Day 5 - feel terrible

[janey62]

I woke up with panic in my stomach this morning and then came the tears.  I just can't stop!

I feel so lost and alone and there's just this feeling of panic running through me.  I decided I would get in the car and go see him, take him his stereo which ended up getting loaded into the moving truck, and collect a casserole dish I left at the old place.  I imagined trying to see him, which would only happen at his convenience and then imagined how it would go. 

I will cry a lot, he will be anxious and pale and probably cry too.  We could even end up holding each other, and then, would the pain go away?

I know this is my sickness, needing someone.  Last night I was on a dating site and talked to a guy who I met on there ages ago.  We didn't meet then because of the distance, but now we are 40 mins apart.  I felt a bit guilty, knowing I probably shouldn't be even talking to anyone yet, but it felt ok.  I had what I was craving, attention and human contact.  I felt less alone.

I know I'm probably like everyone else, but do we all feel this terrible aloneness?  Am I sick?  If I didn't know better I'd think I've got a bit of BPD myself.  I've done the feeling empty, having relationships to try to fill the void, discarding people abruptly, getting a new one straight away.  What I've not done is the nasty stuff, the cruel words or behaviour.  I've been dramatic, but never personally cruel.  Does that mean I'm not BPD? 

That was when I was younger, these days I am much more balanced.  I've had long periods of time when I didn't have a relationship, although my son was always at home.

I am going through a lot!  I should give myself a break.  My only son left home in September, I left my home and job to move with this man to a new town, I am going through the menopause, and I've been dealing with his crazy BPD behaviours.  Also, I've just moved again and am about to start a new job! 

Janey x

[NoCRV]

Hi Janey,

Sorry you are going through this but it gets better with time.  It's still really fresh for you but try to be good to yourself.  Congrats on the new job!

[Surnia]

Janey62

I am so sorry to hear this. 

You are dealing really with a lot of things coming together like a new job, moving, menopause.

Panic is a tough feeling - I am  worried about your wellbeing. If it does not stop, perhaps it would be good to see a professional.

Do you have a really good friend or a close family member near you?

[janey62]

Perhaps I need to just spend the day crying!  :'(

[Surnia]

Yes, one day crying is okay. You are in my thoughts, Janey.

[Arctic Monkey]

Hi Janey

I know things may seem horrendous now, but they will get better, honestly. My son only left home 3 months before my break-up and I was a bit worried I'd be lonely, but now I love living on my own, and can honestly say its helped me recover from the break-up. I've had a lot of thinking time in peace, time for reflection, to do whatever I like, whenever I like and its fantastic. And when I want to socialise I can do. Or I can read for hours, watch boxed sets of DVD's, spend hours pampering myself in the bathroom, anything I want.

What I would say is focus, focus, focus on your new job. Putting 100% into my work helped my recovery no end. There's nothing like a sense of achievement for building damaged self-esteem back up after a full blown BPD assault. It sounds as if you've already made sacrifices for the sake of your ex. Don't sacrifice your career as well. You need stability now and I would suggest distance until you feel stronger. If you can't do no contact, then just take care of yourself for a while. You don't need to be dragged into any more BPD chaos whilst you're feeling so low. Be by yourself, or see friends and family, whatever works. It will get better, even though you can't imagine that now. 

[janey62]

I don't have a close friend of family member near me.  I can reach them on the phone or computer, but not in person.  

I have seen a doctor and been prescribed beta blockers for the panic and anxiety physical symptoms such as palpitations and tight chest.  These help a bit, certainly take away the worrying physical sensations.  But the feelings and thoughts are still there.  

Thank you for your concern Surnia.  I will be ok, just got to go through this.  Moving here was a bit of a risk in terms of not having anyone nearby.  I am in the middle of nowhere, literally!  Where I moved from I'd made some friends who were very supportive.  But I had to move to get away from pwBPD and the misery of that relationship.

The whole situation has arisen because I blindly followed my heart and my pwBPD into a new life, one which he very quickly excluded me from and so I will have to start to build my own life again, from the beginning.   This will take time.  I may have to move again to be nearer to other people but can't now do that for 6 months.  I'm joining the local amateur dramatics group which will help I hope.  

Janey x

[janey62]

Thanks Arctic Monkey, 

I was expecting to feel like this.  Just didn't expect it to be quite so intense. 

I'm hoping the new job will start next week; I've been waiting on security checks before they can give me a start date.

I have my dogs!  Thank goodness for their dear little furry faces.  They are sat one each side of me right now and I don't know what I'd do without them.  They are my companions and give love and cuddles whenever I need them. 

Also, it can't do any harm just chatting to someone.  I've not said anything about my situation, just been talking about our pets and places we live.  I'm scared of where it will lead, but also now armed with the knowledge of what BPD is and looks like, I can guard against falling into that trap!  Talking doesn't equal a new relationship, just talking... .

It's just the missing my ex that is the thing.  I keep getting these waves of panic.  Is he ok?  Have I done the right thing?  Was it really that bad? (yes) We were so close in so many ways and it feels as if I've lost someone very important.  I think that's what's commonly referred to as FOG... .

Think my feelings are yo yoing at the moment.

Janey x

[babyducks]

Hi Janey,

Day 5 is not a long time.  Perhaps you can work on being gentle with yourself for a little while.   A relationship like we have all been in is damaging in ways that are very difficult to cope with.

After my breakup I lost 13 pounds and couldn't sleep through the night for quite a while.   

I would suggest that this early in your recovery you concentrate on doing simple things that are good for you.  Eating healthy,  drinking water,  getting a little exercise.  getting outside if at all possible.

If you can find a way to combat the ruminations that helps.  I know how hard it is to stop the run away thinking.   I would say a little mantra.   I would try to focus on other things.

You have become conditioned to the push/pull cycle like we all once were.  Takes a while to break that.

I know it feels like climbing Mount Everest.   Its one day at a time and one small step at a time.

You can do this.

'ducks

[janey62]

Thank you babyducks,

I made it through the day and feel ok.  Did some unpacking, walking and had plenty of rest too.

One day at a time... .

Janey xx

[Surnia]

Great to hear you are better, Janey. 

Yes, one day at a time, little steps. Walking is a good idea too. 

[arn131arn]

Janey,

Congratulations on 5 days of NC.  I was there not too long ago.  And boy can I tell you, it gets better, much much better. I am 2 months out... . I am not completely out of the FOG bc there are some things legally my ex and I have to work out; but I'm getting there.

I want you to know that there is noone on this forum that will not help you. We have all been there, and I know exactly how you feel because I felt that I was BPD too. Search "fleas BPD", you will learn as the FOG lifts, that yes, of course we did have a part to play in the RS; we may have been a caretaker or co-dependent.  Being that way can certainly be a little crazy, Jane. But we didn't lie all the time, cheat, verbally, physically abuse.  Withold sex as a punishment, let resentments fester, or alienate and enmesh our children.

It's going to take a little bit. That's all, Jane. You will get there; but you have to take care of you.  There's a snake running around here that's always saying that, and he's right.  Do something for you everyday, take care of yourself.  You may stumble and fall; but we WILL pick you up and carry you, we will shoulder some of that pain for you, and the next thing you know; you will have you back.  Maybe not all of you, just yet, but you WILL start recognizing yourself again.  You will stay in today, and start hoping for the future.


Arn

[janey62]

Thank you Arn, your words are so encouraging.   

But what do you, or anyone, think about starting to date someone new?  I've been chatting to someone I met ages ago on a dating site.  My ex and I had broken up and had NC for 3 months and I went on the site then and spoke to him, though at the time we decided we lived too far apart.  As fate would have it we are now less than 45 mins apart.

I've effectively been alone for months, my exBPDbf was virtually never around and I've lived alone in a strange town for 4 months feeling alone and lonely.  Is it too soon?  I kind of think it is, mostly because I'm analysing every word this guy says and watching for signs of idealisation and  ... . but also I find myself wanting some sane male company! 

I suppose no one can really say whether it's too soon or not.  I'm not the kind of person that has no gaps between relationships, in fact I was single for over a year before I met the pwBPD and quite happy with my own company. 

Whatever I decide there will be no rushing! 

I can already tell that I'm a bit fragile and could really do with time alone, but where I've just moved to I am so completely alone with no family or friends around to support me, just my dogs... . who are getting kissed and cuddled a lot! 

And, should I be honest and tell this guy about my recent history 

All opinions will be gratefully received.

Janey xx

[arn131arn]

Thank you Arn, your words are so encouraging.  

But what do you, or anyone, think about starting to date someone new?  I've been chatting to someone I met ages ago on a dating site.  My ex and I had broken up and had NC for 3 months and I went on the site then and spoke to him, though at the time we decided we lived too far apart.  As fate would have it we are now less than 45 mins apart.

I've effectively been alone for months, my exBPDbf was virtually never around and I've lived alone in a strange town for 4 months feeling alone and lonely.  Is it too soon?  I kind of think it is, mostly because I'm analysing every word this guy says and watching for signs of idealisation and   ... . but also I find myself wanting some sane male company!  

I suppose no one can really say whether it's too soon or not.  I'm not the kind of person that has no gaps between relationships, in fact I was single for over a year before I met the pwBPD and quite happy with my own company.  

Whatever I decide there will be no rushing!  

I can already tell that I'm a bit fragile and could really do with time alone, but where I've just moved to I am so completely alone with no family or friends around to support me, just my dogs... . who are getting kissed and cuddled a lot!  

And, should I be honest and tell this guy about my recent history  

All opinions will be gratefully received.

Janey xx

Janey, I don't want to tell you what to do or not do.  I, personally, am going to allow myself enough time (1 year, maybe more) to get into another RS.  I don't think I am available for anyone right now, including myself.  I read on here that hurt people hurt people.  I do not want to get into a RS when I have the ability to hurt someone.  Nor do I want to be hurt this badly again.

It's up to you; but I want to be emotionally sound before I get into a RS. I do, however, see nothing wrong with hanging out, talking, having good times, and enjoying the company of other people. Trust me, I'm not going to be single and sober and not have fun... .

[Popcorn71]

I feel so lost and alone and there's just this feeling of panic running through me. 

I get this feeling too.  I don't want to be alone.  I liked being married.  I liked having somebody I thought I could rely on.  Now I feel so alone and totally responsible for everything.  I hate it.  I guess we just have to wait until we get used to it.  Then maybe it won't feel so bad?

I imagined trying to see him, which would only happen at his convenience and then imagined how it would go.

I do this too.  I am getting fed up with myself now.  I am sick of these stupid little fantasies that will never happen.  I must face it - he doesn't want me!  Maybe it is just a phase we have to go through?

I know this is my sickness, needing someone.  Last night I was on a dating site and talked to a guy who I met on there ages ago. 

I have done this too.  I even went on 3 dates.  I am proud to say that I recognised  with one guy.  He texted me far too often after just one meeting and started talking about trips away etc.  I didn't see him again.  The others seemed to be nice guys but there was just no 'spark'.  Then I realised that I am not ready for any other man yet.  My mind is still with someone else.  I will leave this dating stuff alone for a while.  Maybe you will find that too if you meet up with one of the dating site men?

I know I'm probably like everyone else, but do we all feel this terrible aloneness?  Am I sick?  If I didn't know better I'd think I've got a bit of BPD myself. 

Again, I feel the same.  I ask the same questions.  I have been told by others on here that this is normal and that by us asking this, it shows we are not BPD.

I hope you feel a bit better today.

[janey62]

It's sad that we are experiencing these things but good that there are others we can share it with... .

Popcorn, thanks for being so supportive.   

The one thing that's different about our situations is that I've left him, though I had no choice because although he professed undying love he was never there!  He hasn't got anyone new, that I'm aware of and we aren't exactly NC, just detaching.  He is too.

Today was better.  It started off with tears and feelings of despair but I pulled myself together and went out.  I sorted out financial stuff, did a bit of food shopping and bought a load of logs for my fire. 

It felt good. 

I also decided, having had far too many texts from internet dating guy, the last one saying he didn't sleep well because he was thinking about me  that it's way too soon, so I texted him saying I wasn't ready and thanks but no thanks.   

Then I had Haribo, chocolate biscuits and bananas for my dinner! One of the pleasures of being a) single and b) now childless is that I can eat whatever and whenever I like... .   I like it!

I heard something tonight on a film I was watching.  A woman said to another who had lost a loved one in an accident,

'... . you will feel better than this, maybe not yet, but you will; you just have to keep living until you are alive again'.

That's what I'm going to try to do.

Janey xx