Hope for DD17 - transition from RTC (cont'd from Hope for DD16)

[swampped]

Dear Crumbling dad:  No wisdom here, but I want to let you know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.  Your devotion to your dd and your persistence in seeking help for her are amazing.  Please be kind to yourself as you deal with these new boundaries.  Sending you     Swampped

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

crumblingdad, I am so sorry for this setback 

What has been your daughter's stated reasons for this whole thing? Just to come home and leave California?

One thing that my son now admits was a trigger for his relapses after the first 2 Rehabs he completed (within a 3 year period, prior to his success with the Dual Diagnosis Program he completed almost a year ago, now) was a fear of success. Once he was successfully clean and sober for a length of time, he panicked that everyone would expect him to be "fixed" and "normal", and he was scared to death of remaining sober and on-the-ball in the outside world. He was afraid of failing, of letting everyone down, of trying to live a "normal" life.

In his particular case, he has Hepatitis C from heroine addiction, and needing treatment for that, by wrecking the 6-month clean-and-sober requirement for the dreaded treatment for it, he could also circumvent that outcome. In his head, if he voluntarily started using again then it was his decision to mess up, and not a personal failing (go figure!) if he couldn't make it sober in an outside world he feared.

We've actually had this discussion: he feared not being able to make it in the outside world long-term (besides fearing the Hep C treatments), feared disappointing everyone if we got our hopes up because of a long-term sobriety, so he decided to mess up on purpose. He is amazed at the logic in that, now that he's been clean and sober for more than a year, but at the time it seemed like a good idea to him. 

Maybe you can have a serious discussion with your daughter at some point to figure out what motivated this relapse; my son was able to overcome this fear of success/failure dichotomy when we could let him know that we gave him one day at a time to recover, and we didn't expect him to be "normal" with a "normal" life until he was ready for it. He is still not "normal" in his own mind (though he is now the most normal he's ever been in his whole life!), and we are letting him get used to the idea of success without undue pressure to perform.

[raytamtay3]

My heart truly goes out to you CD. You have really put a lot of effort into this. As we've dicussed, we can only do so much and it's up to our kids to continue on the path we are trying to set for them.  Take care of yourself and take comfort in knowing that you gave it your all.  

T

[jellibeans]

dear crumbling dad

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am to read your recent post about your dd... . I do think heroin is one tough drug to kick and your dd is tired of fighting... . I agree that she has to want it but at the same time I feel she needs to know that she still has your support in some way. I think it is good you have that boundary in place and I know you are exhausted from all you have been doing... . I just wish there was a way to help her... . there has to be a place for her somewhere. I just don't understand why she has taken this turn and has given up... . I am so sorry

[qcarolr]

Crumblingdad - this boundary is so painful. The powerlessness of not being able to compel our child to seek help to stop the self-destructive behaviors.   

I can hear my DD27 saying over and over to me as she is starting to find more calm from her meltdown at detox - waiting for the police to come take her back to jail:  Mom, I only take drugs because I WANT TO!... .

There are ways to show you love your D and keep to your boundary. You have been inside-out with these - validation, mindfulness... . Take a break from searching for solutions.  Please find ways to be kind to yourself. What does your support network look like? Seek it out.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

To say she's committed to her recovery when she is sitting in an ER with tubes in her arms after being alive only thanks to some narcon and a quick ambulance and looking me in the eyes saying "no dad I'm not going back to any sort of rehab."

Is not someone committed to her recovery.  I get that it's difficult and I have plenty of empathy for her disease(s) and will always love her.

I've been in the middle ground and avoided highs and lows of expectations for her for quite some time.  

I haven't lost hope but I won't be a part of it and she's not welcome in my life until she comes and asks for help again.  She will always be loved and always have a place to go if she truly wants help.  But that help will not be some version that her disease is demanding it'll be help that is what she needs and is based on her commitment to recovery.

[peaceplease]

I am sorry for what happened with your dd.  Heroin addiction really sucks!  My son(32) was doing heroin when he lived in my town.  Now, he lives about 8 hours away.  I am not sure how he is doing, but he has not been asking for any money.  I am taking that as a positive sign.  He had an enabling grandma.  However, she had a stroke and in a nursing home.  He no longer has an enabling grandma to help him out.

I think you are right in taking a firm stand.  I hope she will be ready for help in the near future.