I sincerely can not take one more day of this...

[Slave to the binary]

I sincerely can not take one more day of this life. I do not know where to turn for help. Something needs to be changed now and I do not have the support system to do it. Sorry I did not post in the Introductions thread-but I am in a crisis and wonder if I should call a crisis line.

My situation:

Live-in boyfriend of 6+ years has adult ad/hd and borderline personality disorder. He is unmedicated and untreated. Everyday is a disaster.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Sttb, my pwBPD has BPD, ADHD, bipolar, OCD, PTSD, a whole fruit salad of issues too... . There are definitely times where it does seem like I'm just going from one disaster to another.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a bad day. Is there something specific bothering you, or just the whole situation a big downer getting you down today?

[Tausk]

Yes, welcome to the board. It's very difficult to be with someone wBPD.  Can you share any more?

Are you safe?  Why are you in crisis?  There are resources to help you.  Keep on the board and posting.

[Slave to the binary]

Thanks for replying learning_curve. Yeah, something caused it. Realizing no matter who you are, you will never be enough for them. He creates situations where he will put something in the middle of us to avoid intimacy. In the past its been porn/masturbation addiction, coming home to tell me someone at the office is interested in him, telling me he stares at women at work, to him secretly meeting a girl at work to smoke (he deleted emails from her asking him to go outside and meet for smoke), now a new person is slated to join his team at work and yup, you guessed it... he made an objectifying comment about her last night and this morning he is taking forever to get dressed claiming he wants to wear something different (this is odd since he has hygiene issues). I calmly ask him if he is fixating and he says "maybe", I break down and tell him the usual... I do not deserve to sit back and experience this anymore. I ask him what he thinks I should do... . he says I should move on from him. Guess what? He lives in MY home and I've been asking to leave for years and he refuses. He leaves for work and nothing ever gets resolved and rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, day after day. It is always something... .

[ShadowDancer]

Your description doesn't describe much of a keeper.

The action that worked for me was an enforced 30 day eviction notice.

[ogopogodude]

Your description doesn't describe much of a keeper.

I agree... .

Sounds like a loser to me. 

(why are females seemingly attracted to such undesirable qualities? ... . this totally bewilders me, really it does... . )

[Moonie75]

Your description doesn't describe much of a keeper.

I agree... .

Sounds like a loser to me. 

(why are females seemingly attracted to such undesirable qualities? ... . this totally bewilders me, really it does... . )

Rebellious types often have little to show for their 'alternative ways'. But the very fact they don't live to conform can be very romantic & seductive.

Take it from me, been there. Full time musician for 6 years & earned very little, drank too much & took a lot of drugs. Grown out of it to a large extent & play for pleasure now, don't take drugs & drink far less.

generally got my $hit together a bit.

But hands down gotta admit, the hedonistic rebellious, skint days, banging drums for just enough to stay drunk & stay high... . Mother of god, did it attract people!

[Slave to the binary]

Thanks for responding, guys! Actually, like most Borderlines, he wore a mask in the beginning and pretended to be someone else, someone that I would be attracted to. Fast forward, the mask wore off and all the drama started (push/pull, passive-aggressive behaviors, addictions, etc.). I can assure you I am not attracted to this type of emotionally unavailable person. I can recognize healthy love and want that in my life. Sadly, by "BF" (not sure what he is to be honest), does not fit the bill of the kind of person I want to share my life with. Obviously, he is not partner material. His behavior paints me like I am someone I am not... . if you saw us together you would not understand on what green planet we are doing together. We are opposites in appearances. Which causes this stuff to hurt even more thinking its me, thankfully I've learned it has nothing to do with me and he will do this to anyone in his life. He is afraid of intimacy. I am not. Our only "glue" is childhood dysfunction. Its what brought us together and eventually destroyed us.

[Turkish]

Your description doesn't describe much of a keeper.

The action that worked for me was an enforced 30 day eviction notice.

I second this. Evict. This may trigger either bad behavior, so it would be a good thing to have a safe place to retreat to in the meantime, or he may cycle back and put on the mask again, being good until another trigger inevitably occurs. But it sounds like you see it for what it is.

[Mutt]

I second this. Evict. This may trigger either bad behavior, so it would be a good thing to have a safe place to retreat to in the meantime, or he may cycle back and put on the mask again, being good until another trigger inevitably occurs. But it sounds like you see it for what it is.

Our only "glue" is childhood dysfunction. Its what brought us together and eventually destroyed us.

Hello Slave to the binary.  

I agree with Turk. It sounds like you have an understanding of his dysfunction / disorder / behaviors and you can see the forest for the trees.

It's frustrating living in close proximity with a person with a mental illness for a long period of time.

Have you decided on what your going to do with this r/s?

I agree, this is your place =>

I second this. Evict.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Sttb, it sounds like you recognize he is not partner material for you. How he talks about other women is objectionable, it sounds like he entertains the idea of being a cheater, or at the very least is playing a strong push/pull game with you.

It does sound like you may have to take stronger action to remove him from your house. If that is your desire, you should probably formulate a plan and make sure you cover all the possibilities. You might want to consider selling living in separate places to him as a form of "therapeutic separation". If he cannot afford it, you may even want to fork out the security deposit for him to rent a new place just to help get the ball rolling. Depending on what he's like, that may be easier and less drama than an eviction.

Remember to take care of yourself too! What kind of things do you have going on in your life separate from him? Do you go out with friends, go to church, play in sports league? What is your social circle like?

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, Slave to the binary,

I am glad you have decided to join us. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed. These are very common feelings for someone who is in a relationship with a person who has BPD, so you are not alone. The good news is, there are solutions available. It can get much better.

You came up with a good solution on your own, which is to reach out for help. We can support you in learning tools to help with your relationship. Your idea to phone a crisis line is also a good one. If you are feeling suicidal or dealing with domestic abuse, we are able to help you locate a number that may be local to you. Sometimes it helps to call, even just to chat.

We care about you and want you to stay safe. Can you take a look at this link Safety First, and let us know how you are doing?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[scallops]

Dear Slave to the Binary

I just wanted to to welcome you... . I am sorry today is such a bad one for you. You have been given a lot of good advise here... . I wanted to suggest some reading which might help you as well


How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

Therapeutic Separation

I am glad you found us... . sending a hug your way

[Slave to the binary]

I want to personally thank each and every one of you who took the time to read or respond to my post today. This morning, I was so alone and unable to see any purpose to the events in my life.

The wonderful advice I have received today restored my faith in humanity. I have resources and I have options. I've been inspired to take care of ME and I have all of you to thank. 

[Mutt]

I want to personally thank each and every one of you who took the time to read or respond to my post today. This morning, I was so alone and unable to see any purpose to the events in my life.

The wonderful advice I have received today restored my faith in humanity. I have resources and I have options. I've been inspired to take care of ME and I have all of you to thank. 

Thank you for sharing Slave to the binary. 

We're here for you 

Hang in there.


- Mutt

[janey62]

Hi Slave,

It sounds as if you want out of this?  If he's living in your house and refuses to leave then you have certain legal rights, it might be a good idea to find out what they are. 

Adding to what Scallops said, there is a very good article on here about how to go about detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD which helped me a lot.  It's called, 'Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder'.  If you go to the opening page and click on the Articles tab it is article 09.  The next article, 10:  Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder is a good one to read too, very practical.

From what you've said today it seems as if he is unravelling and the cycle has got shorter and shorter, without much respite?  This is bound to be affecting you badly; I know what that's like, I really do.  I am today on day 7 having left my pwBPD and I already feel tons better!  I hardly recognise myself in such a short time... .

There is lots of support here for you, I couldn't have got where I am now without the help and support of the wonderful people on this forum; make use of us and make it easier on yourself.  Whenever I felt that I was getting to the point of not being able to cope any more, someone always had words of wisdom or encouragement for me.  There is a lot you can learn about the illness which will help you realise that you're not alone, that there are many others in similar boats to you.

Good luck and sending you a big 

Janey xx