I can't be bought

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Been doing some research on the "cycle of abuse". www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

You know our story - figured out in Dec that h of 11 years has BPD, or many characteristics of. He snooped in my room and found books on BPD, and then the avalanche started. I realized that I'd been party to my own abuse, by accepting it, also, preventing him from making change by not challenging him. I vowed that  I wouldn't take anymore of this, so told the H that I am emotionally separating and we no longer had a r/s, just a partnership for the kids' sake. He is in therapy. And after initially admitting to all of the symptoms and showing great remorse, he has begun to distance himself from that. And we are back to - we've BOTH hurt each other, I (meaning me) am mentally ill and I need help etc. I have told him again and again that I am not interested, have no hope etc. But he keeps trying and it is making me CRAZY. he is bringing me gifts, and expensive chocolates and being super nice to me. And it of course, is very hard to keep my wits about me day in and day out. And realize these are all tricks... . it s all part of the abuse cycle... just like before. He is just piling it on for so long and to such a degree that it brings about such terrible guilt in me for rejecting him.

I spoke to my mom about it yesterday, about my feelings of guilt and having to constantly remind myself of the awfulness. She says "oh yea, they got a lot of tricks don't they? I know all about them." She was a battered woman. I can remember all the bad times with dad, but I guess I hadn't seen that they cycled as well. Come to think of it, there were lots of cards and flowers and jewelry in my youth, alongside the shoves and plate throwing and name calling.

Every morning now, I come out to find he has left an expensive truffle lying on my desk. I used to eat them. Then this past weekend, he sent me an email, shifting blame back on to me for our problems and for causing him pain in the past. I would have laughed were I not crying too hard to see.  :'( Because I realized that no matter how I was fighting it, all the attention and praise and candies were soothing those deeply wounded spots inside. And I was, however minorly, opening myself up a little to the possibility of maybe... down the road... . hope? And then I was thrown right back into reality, landing there with a hard thud. And those chocolates - they are a symbol. The price I am worth to him... . this little bit of work now, so he can have his punching bag back. And now the sight of that candy disgusts me. I pick it up and chuck it into the freezer when I see it everyday. You cannot buy my allegiance. I am not for sale.

[Seneca]

Been doing some research on the "cycle of abuse". www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

You know our story - figured out in Dec that h of 11 years has BPD, or many characteristics of. He snooped in my room and found books on BPD, and then the avalanche started. I realized that I'd been party to my own abuse, by accepting it, also, preventing him from making change by not challenging him. I vowed that  I wouldn't take anymore of this, so told the H that I am emotionally separating and we no longer had a r/s, just a partnership for the kids' sake. He is in therapy. And after initially admitting to all of the symptoms and showing great remorse, he has begun to distance himself from that. And we are back to - we've BOTH hurt each other, I (meaning me) am mentally ill and I need help etc. I have told him again and again that I am not interested, have no hope etc. But he keeps trying and it is making me CRAZY. he is bringing me gifts, and expensive chocolates and being super nice to me. And it of course, is very hard to keep my wits about me day in and day out. And realize these are all tricks... . it s all part of the abuse cycle... just like before. He is just piling it on for so long and to such a degree that it brings about such terrible guilt in me for rejecting him.

I spoke to my mom about it yesterday, about my feelings of guilt and having to constantly remind myself of the awfulness. She says "oh yea, they got a lot of tricks don't they? I know all about them." She was a battered woman. I can remember all the bad times with dad, but I guess I hadn't seen that they cycled as well. Come to think of it, there were lots of cards and flowers and jewelry in my youth, alongside the shoves and plate throwing and name calling.

Every morning now, I come out to find he has left an expensive truffle lying on my desk. I used to eat them. Then this past weekend, he sent me an email, shifting blame back on to me for our problems and for causing him pain in the past. I would have laughed were I not crying too hard to see.  :'( Because I realized that no matter how I was fighting it, all the attention and praise and candies were soothing those deeply wounded spots inside. And I was, however minorly, opening myself up a little to the possibility of maybe... down the road... . hope? And then I was thrown right back into reality, landing there with a hard thud. And those chocolates - they are a symbol. The price I am worth to him... . this little bit of work now, so he can have his punching bag back. And now the sight of that candy disgusts me. I pick it up and chuck it into the freezer when I see it everyday. You cannot buy my allegiance. I am not for sale.

[KateCat]

Seneca,

How powerful that you and your mother share similar experiences. I'm wondering what the two of you draw from the parallels. What choices did your mother eventually make? And how does she feel about the choices that face you?

I can't remember whether you're seeing a counselor yet, but this would be one family dynamic you could kind of serve up to a therapist on a platter, like a neatly packaged box of chocolates. You could possibly make some fairly rapid progress in sorting out challenges and choices in counseling.

[MissyM]

Seneca, I am so sorry.  It is hurtful when we begin to hope.  Do you have your own therapist?  Mine reminded me last week, when I was in turmoil that I know how to handle this.  To expect someone with this mental illness to behave differently, is fantasy.  Accepting the reality that this is who he is and to anticipate the cycles, really helps.  When my dBPDh tries the, oh you are the problem/crazy/difficult, it hurts.  The way I am choosing to respond now is, I have some problems including PTSD and codependency.  These will get triggered from time to time but I am doing this, this and this for my problem.  I can only work on my issues.  I hope you will choose to address yours.  So far, this has stopped him (if I say it kindly and not bhity).  I cannot expect him to behave in a normal way, he just isn't capable.  It is sad, frustrating and disappointing.  However, if I keep doing the same thing and expecting him to be different, I will go insane.  I have to handle myself differently and set boundaries with him.  This is the only way to keep my own mental health.

[Seneca]

Seneca,

How powerful that you and your mother share similar experiences. I'm wondering what the two of you draw from the parallels. What choices did your mother eventually make? And how does she feel about the choices that face you?

I can't remember whether you're seeing a counselor yet, but this would be one family dynamic you could kind of serve up to a therapist on a platter, like a neatly packaged box of chocolates. You could possibly make some fairly rapid progress in sorting out challenges and choices in counseling.

My father was a violent alcoholic. Not personality disordered, just your run of the mill mean drunk a&$):@e. He was also abusive towards us until i was 12 and he quit drinking. She stayed. I remember all through my adolescence wishing they would get divorced. I hated the tension, the fear, the dread every evening when it was time for him to come home. I was confused by the relief and jubilation we all felt when he went hunting for the weekend. They have been married 40 years. They are tight and love each other, but constantly have minor skirmishes.

I know it hurt her, but I had to tell it to her straight - "I am living this life now, because you lived that life then." (We even both have two daughters). I have to stop the cycle. If my daughters end up with men who treat them like their dad treats me, I will consider myself a failure as a mother. My mother agrees. The choice between bad and worse is gradually changing to the worse option being staying here and letting them witness this mess.

Everyone keeps saying I need counseling. Maybe it is time. For my sake, not for his.

[KateCat]

Wow, Seneca, I am seriously impressed with both you and your mom. This is the stuff of the lives of so many of us, but how many can bear to look at it steadily enough to contemplate making those tough changes.

Something tells me that you're going to enjoy working with the right psychologist when the time comes.

[DiamondSW]

Oh Seneca,

What a very well written piece.

I so understand the glimmers of 'hope' your BPD offered... . my exBPDgf actually told me after 4-5mths of not even writing a CV, let alone getting a job, that 'she'd been lazy' and 'wanted to change'... .   she 'wanted to work with children'... .

It was a lightbulb moment for me... . yes!  You HAVE been lazy and you have opportunities others can only dream of regarding your finances (then the support of her mum and me) and location (VERY central London, work all over the place). 

But honestly, a week later, nothing had changed.  No CV, no application for teacher training college, nah all words. 

I did challenge her on this and got blasted... . "I don't like the way you make me feel"... .

Then kaboom... . it was as if she knew i'd found her out, knew I wasn't ever going to be happy with someone who had no job forever, no matter how pretty she was and how much she professed in 'her' culture the women didn't work (in London? c'mon)... . it was ALL over.  TERMINAL PROBLEM. 

I think you are brave to emotionally detach.  Be careful though.  I Felt terrific guilt for ending it, took her back, and then she used that opportunity to destroy!  DONT let your guilt lead you into making the wrong decision xxx