I want to call her

[buddy1226]

I don't know if it's that I've been snowed in for a few days of what. I want to call her so bad. I wake up and immediately start thinking about her. I think about the severity of her actions. I think she regrets it and would do it different if she could.

See the thing is, she went way too far. She always did. We had just moved and the drama started. She started alliance building with hr family and her ex. They all supported her and she spit on a dime. It was an awful thing to do because she had a 5 year old that loved me and I did him. Our life was moving in a good direction except for the fact that she couldn't allow happiness. She is miserable now. I can feel it. I am miserable. She can't go back because her family would be upset and wash their hands. Mine would too to be be honest.

I don't know what to do. So what if the pain goes away after time. I have to live my life knowing we threw away what could have been great?...

Look, she is borderline, and an extreme case at that. No doubt. My T called it after seeing me for a couple of months. I ewas lamenting and crying in his office when he told me to google it. I already had a clue and had been researching it but everything is spot on. She hasn't moved on although I think she is trying. No takers yet. She has had casual sex though and that eats me up.

I know this is an attachment issue thing but that doesn't make it easier. I use to laugh and tease her when she would walk around in Ice Princess mode. Call her Nurse Ratchet...

God I miss her! It's like I can't move forward in my life without her. Never thought I'd find myself here over her dumb ass...

[seeking balance]

Sorry Buddy - calling her isn't really going to make your pain go away, unfortunately.  It might delay it some or give you some other focus... . but that crazy, obsession you have right now goes away when we look at it for what it truly is.

What it truly is?

Possibly your dream of the family, the 5 year - the life and dream you saw with her that made you feel... . (fill in the blank).

It hurts grieving this stuff - honestly, I am sorry you have to go through this.   

Peace,

SB

[PuzzledMate]

Take a deep breath.  Remember the turmoil and uncertainty being with her and how it made you feel.  It would be more of the same.  Try to let go.  Calling her will set you back.  You want a Band-Aid but what you need is stitches in your heart to permanently fix what being with her caused.

Be strong.  It's tough but it is worth it.

[santa]

I feel the same sometimes, believe me.

The fallacy of your thinking is that you think she threw away something that "could have been great". The reality is that it couldn't have been great, because she is mentally disturbed. Nothing will ever be great with her. She's just going to do the same old nonsense over and over again for the rest of her life. It's going to be chaos. There's nothing that could have happened differently that would have changed that.

[buddy1226]

Thanks, Santa. that's what my mind seems to want to forget no mater how much I live on these sites telling me the truth. Her normal front that she puts up on facebook. (yes I peeked during the snow days). Playing with her kid, etc... does not elude to the chaos that is there. This really is an addiction. To the point that I can make the agrument that life is better with her.

I hate this damn disorder. It's like it hold someone you love captive and brain washes them.

[santa]

Thanks, Santa. that's what my mind seems to want to forget no mater how much I live on these sites telling me the truth. Her normal front that she puts up on facebook. (yes I peeked during the snow days). Playing with her kid, etc... does not elude to the chaos that is there. This really is an addiction. To the point that I can make the agrument that life is better with her.

I hate this damn disorder. It's like it hold someone you love captive and brain washes them.

It's awful. I know you're hurting. I feel the same way. It's unbelievable what these people throw away. That's just who they are though. It's sad. There's no changing them though. They're going to do what they do, whether it makes any sense or not.

[myself]

An ex of my ex said he had the same problems with her twenty years ago that I had with her recently. That helps me not call her. He is a nice guy too, and felt she'd thrown away something good. Only thing that had changed was her hairstyle.

[growing_wings]

This really is an addiction.

.

i have come to think this myself. although i havent experienced substance addiction, i would imagine it is like i feel at times... so you are right... . if is an addiction, then you need to go through "rehab" ... and that is nothing more but cleaning yourself from the substance you are addicted to as a first step. It is not easy, it is EASIER to get another hit of the drug... . the hard work is to stay away and let the "addiction" clear your system.

sorry you are hurting.  is bad stuff... . but i have come to think of the pain as if is needed to heal.

easier said that done.

as i go through this myself, i saw this quote and been reading it a lot:

"To love yourself, truly love yourself, is to finally discover the essence of personal courage, self-respect, integrity, and self-esteem. These are the qualities of grace that come directly from a soul with stamina." Caroline myss... .

personnally, i want to have a soul with stamina

[coastalfog1]

The fallacy of your thinking is that you think she threw away something that "could have been great". The reality is that it couldn't have been great, because she is mentally disturbed. Nothing will ever be great with her. She's just going to do the same old nonsense over and over again for the rest of her life. It's going to be chaos. There's nothing that could have happened differently that would have changed that.

This thought is the one thing that helps me move from day to day.

[ynguns2]

I feel the same way my friend. My exBPD had my life in shambles and I have since then met a great woman and now I am having a child and scared to death. I often think of my ex and put her on a pedestal but you know as well as I do these people cannot function without drama in their lives and as hard as it is we need to accept it.

I see my therapist today and he always tells me the reason I think of my ex is because we as caring people try the hardest to make sure things are good and treat others with kindness and respect however when we come across a broken woman or individual suffering from a mental illness they mirror themselves onto us and we are their punching bags so to speak.

I hope you do not contact her I am here for you if you need a friend to talk too and I relate to your pain and sorrow. 

[Johnny Alias]

I feel the same sometimes, believe me.

The fallacy of your thinking is that you think she threw away something that "could have been great". The reality is that it couldn't have been great, because she is mentally disturbed. Nothing will ever be great with her. She's just going to do the same old nonsense over and over again for the rest of her life. It's going to be chaos. There's nothing that could have happened differently that would have changed that.

This is VERY true.  Before you she was the same way.  After this she will be the same way.  

She destroys everything good that comes into her life.  This is what she knows.  This is how she was raised.  If there is calm she will create drama and chaos.  You know this.  There isn't any fixing it.  You say she's miserable now... . she always has been and always will be.  Without noise to surround her of lovers, alcohol, drugs, and admirers her existence is EMPTY.  She literally panics when she has to confront herself.  This is why they get anxious.  This is why they get depressed.  

If mine dropped by my door I would be HARD pressed not to let her in... . and she'd have to since I've blocked her six ways to sunday via every other form of communication.  And guess what... . if I did let her in it would ruin me!  My white knight codependent side would fully take over.  She'd probably have a sob story about how miserable she is with her guy or something... . and I'd blame him and not her.  

IT'S HER.  He might be a major douche but she's miserable no matter what she gets.  Always.  It's just a matter of time before anyone or anything loses its shine.  

If you call it will hurt you.  What possible outcomes are there?  She asks to get back together, you demand she gets into therapy, she half asses it, and all the other behavior returns and you've wasted more time.  She tells you to leave her alone... . you're heartbroken.  She says lets just have a fling and pointless sex... . you hit the crackpipe and want more and are heartbroken knowing it will destroy you.  

Deep breaths.  Find something to take your mind off this.  :)on't care what.  Food, videogame, movie, friend (dont talk about her), date, gym... . anything.  

At the end of the day when you speak of the future... . she doesn't really understand what that is.  She doesn't understand planning, responsibility, or consequences to her actions.  That's why they keep doing what they do.  They don't understand that their raging can affect things in the long term.  They don't.  They don't understand that spending money they don't have affects their lives... .  

All they care about is this moment and their personal satisfaction in it.  That's it.  She doesn't want your help.  She doesn't want anyone's help.  She wants to be enabled to do whatever the hell she feels like and then for you to kiss her feet and clean up her messes.  Once you're used up she finds someone else to do the SAME THING.  

It's harsh but man it is true.  You hang in there.    :)ONT CALL. 

[Johnny Alias]

God I miss her! It's like I can't move forward in my life without her. Never thought I'd find myself here over her dumb ass...

I get it, but you move backwards, not forwards.  She's a vampire.  A leech.  A taker.  You're a giver.  You can't possibly go forward if she's taking everything.  Really.  And... . when you guys get that white picket fence and maybe a kid... . she gets bored... . cheats on you... . wears you down into the ground with seething anger... . and then takes everything... .

Then my friend... . you have gone BACKWARDS.

[winston72]

Buddy!  So sorry you are wrestling with this... . been there way too often myself.  I would like to reiterate what others have already posted.


This is your relationship... . the way it was, the way it evolved, the way it is now... . your relationship is not what you wish it to be.  And, really, was it moving in such a good direction?  I bet Thelma and Louise thought the car was running smoothly, the sky was beautiful and the tunes were good as they headed for that cliff... .

Our life was moving in a good direction except for the fact that she couldn't allow happiness. She is miserable now. I can feel it. I am miserable.


Come on, Buddy!  Double check this thought... . or like me, check it and revisit that check about 783 time... . but just about everyone reading this post have felt and thought the same thing... . and just about everyone reading it now sees how inaccurate it it.  You will more likely live your life with a growing awareness and comfort with what happened.

I have to live my life knowing we threw away what could have been great?

You have likely already read this article, but worth reading again... . and again... . and again.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[irishmarmot]

Hi buddy, you know my situation and its been 6 weeks with seeing her once.  I can tell you how I feel and it is getting better.   The FOG is lifting it still hurts but not as bad.  So i agree it is drug witdrawal.  I can never go back to her and I'm goin through the stages of grieving.   It will soon come to acceptance.  But it's your life and your decision there is no right or wrong but if she is borderline then you know what your dealing with.  She filled a great need in me at the time and that is what i wanted.  But who doesn't want to be loved and accepted?   It's just with her, she also abused me horribly and never truly loved me in the first place so it is better for me to be without her.