Detaching but Stuck

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I very been in the process of detaching from my BPDw. Long story short she cheated on me over the holidays (1st time ) and I'm privy to information that she was seeing someone new AND recycling an ex that she was involved with for 9 years.

I am journaling like crazy and have gone NC which has helped tremendously.  BUT

I am struggling and ruminating a great deal about the fact that she seemed to just slip back into this relationship after spending the better part of 4 years trashing her ex and telling me how much " I was who'd she'd been waiting for" all of her life.

My brain so struggles with this right now... . especially with the fact that she could just toss me aside like it meant absolutely nothing to her... .

Emotionally it's devastating... .

I am so in a place where I realize that our relationship was toxic and I have no desire to recycle like I did several times over the last few years but this seems to be the biggest hurdle for me... . the fact that she can move to this place so easily... .

I know many of you here can probably relate... .

This hurts so much... . I can't get my head around it... . even though I feel good to be free from that life I once shared with her!

[Cimbaruns]

I very been in the process of detaching from my BPDw. Long story short she cheated on me over the holidays (1st time ) and I'm privy to information that she was seeing someone new AND recycling an ex that she was involved with for 9 years.

I am journaling like crazy and have gone NC which has helped tremendously.  BUT

I am struggling and ruminating a great deal about the fact that she seemed to just slip back into this relationship after spending the better part of 4 years trashing her ex and telling me how much " I was who'd she'd been waiting for" all of her life.

My brain so struggles with this right now... . especially with the fact that she could just toss me aside like it meant absolutely nothing to her... .

Emotionally it's devastating... .

I am so in a place where I realize that our relationship was toxic and I have no desire to recycle like I did several times over the last few years but this seems to be the biggest hurdle for me... . the fact that she can move to this place so easily... .

I know many of you here can probably relate... .

This hurts so much... . I can't get my head around it... . even though I feel good to be free from that life I once shared with her!

[seeking balance]

I understand totally and you are not alone in this.

When I would get stuck (it happens a lot the early part of this process, be patient) - I always went back to article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

(I know, you have seem me post this before, but it worked for me)  It was one of these things I had to accept - to accept meant I had to grieve my old dream.

My brain so struggles with this right now... . especially with the fact that she could just toss me aside like it meant absolutely nothing to her... .

Emotionally it's devastating... .

Of course you struggle - you are rational and you loved her despite the fact things were not perfect... . for someone to not show that same respect ... . it hurts.

Hang in there, focus on the facts so you can depersonalize... . remember though, depersonalizing doesn't mean we wont grieve, we definitely will shed tears.

Peace,

SB

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks SB

I haven't read that thread or it's discussions in a while... . probably the last time was the last break up last year!

I find myself in a place where I think it was me that was crazy. And maybe was the cause of the r/s failure... . typical thinking if I felt like I was the " fixer" or the one to make it all right.

I had a therapist all throughout our  break ups and she assured me that I wasn't the BPD here... . my wife's behavior was so typical and textbook!,... . however now I find myself truly in this place of finally being done ... . and I have to try therapy with someone new as mine retired. Although I really like this new T , I feel there is so much of what transpired that she isn't filled in on... .

I am so ready to heal but I feel I have so much grieving ahead... .

It hurts so much :'(

[seeking balance]

I find myself in a place where I think it was me that was crazy. And maybe was the cause of the r/s failure... . typical thinking if I felt like I was the " fixer" or the one to make it all right.

I printed out the 10 False Beliefs and carried them around for about a year throughout the divorce.  It was my "go to" for quick sanity reboot... . honestly, I totally understand and this one thing really helped me a bunch in those tough moments.

I had a therapist all throughout our  break ups and she assured me that I wasn't the BPD here... . my wife's behavior was so typical and textbook!,... . however now I find myself truly in this place of finally being done ... . and I have to try therapy with someone new as mine retired. Although I really like this new T , I feel there is so much of what transpired that she isn't filled in on... .

I am so ready to heal but I feel I have so much grieving ahead... .

It hurts so much :'(

My T didn't know much about BPD, but she was great with ptsd and trauma which was what I needed to heal in myself.  We focused on facts of BPD and what that looked like in the relationship and how that caused trauma to me and my core stuff - not so much on BPD itself.

I became a bit obsessive with BPD because I was still a stayer at first.  I was lucky that my neighbor was trained in dbt, so I had someone really qualified to "chat" with when I had those "am I crazy" times.  Recently we were having coffee and laughing about it - I only say this so you can see some hope - it will get better, honestly.

I am sorry you hurt 

SB

[NyGirl8]

I can so relate!  I just got duped into the fourth recycle of this marriage (uBPDh).  He admitted to rage and anger issues and even got on anti-depressants.  He even had his doc up the dose after 3 weeks because he didn't "feel" a difference.  Blah, blah, after 2 months he did his backtrack on all his promises that he made to my bottom lines to even contemplate this again.

Now, I feel like I am starting all over.  The anger is so raw.  And he drops the kids off saying "hi" to me like we were best buds.  Kills me.  I don't respond though.

Anyway!  I get it, he was back to his recycle within 3 days!  Kills me how he just tossed me aside.  But, I am learning this is his disordered personality.  It isn't right, it isn't sane, it isn't even human... . it is the hell in which he lives because of his fragile to non-existent sense of self and self-esteem.

My point is, you can do this.  It is her and not you.  The fact that you are having a difficult time wrapping your brain and heart around her behavior... . well, you are steps ahead of sitting next to her in the chaos of it all... . keep going, keep going (I say this to myself as I say it to you:-)

[Cimbaruns]

Thank you NyGirl for your uplifting and kind words 

I tend to delve too deeply sometimes... . when I should just be with the fact, that yes, I am not beside her any longer and that feels a whole lot healthier to me right now.

I am sorry that you have had to be in this place as well, with all it's emotional difficulties.

I try and think that even though I ask myself that question over and over... . "how can she just walk away and appear to be so happy"... that she will always be a prisoner to her dysfunction and that in itself must be a constant painful struggle of which it is ... . my choice... . that I no longer have to be apart of... .

Someday I know... . as you will... . we ll get to that place where it hurts less and we re good with it... . someday... . I just know that it will take more acceptance on my part, a lot of tears, and time

Peace to you who share in where we have to go...

[NyGirl8]

Peace right back!  Time, tears, support... . we'll get there 

[node4]

Cimbaruns,

I have a Technic that I created a while ago. I call it "say it out loud". When you "say things out loud" the thought or the situation is no longer deep in your mind, and you cannot deny it, or dissociate the reality of what is happening to you, or what has happened to you.

So the epiphany that I had today was the following... .

The elephant in the room, that is so obvious and yet we all seem to forget it.

BPDs are MENTALLY ILL... . say it out loud... . my ex is MENTALLY ILL. I am not being hurtful but they are MENTALLY ILL. For healthy people they hear that and realize that any form of normal behavior from the MENTALLY ILL person is no longer expected, and yet we somehow hear this, and acknowledge it, and we expect them to act like a normal person, when they are MENTALLY ILL.

There are no rules, no boundaries, they are fueled by chaos, and fear, and primitive survival. There are no rules in the BPD world. We are in no mans land. We are testing the boundaries of our human condition.

They awaken connections, and feelings that we never new before, the expose our raw souls to the world, and just when are ok with being exposed to the world, they bolt because you become everything that they ever wanted, and they hit their pants, and run... the are so afraid that you are going to leave them... then... . repeat... . you... . someone... . or you give them the American dream like I did, house, money, car, everything a person could want, and they choose chaos of normal. They don't want to be saved. They only know destruction.