In new house, PSA has been signed, and I feel sad

[atcrossroads]

Since my hearing in December when stb ex was ordered to pay our full mortgage (I moved out a year ago and had been living with my parents; I purchased a house in the fall and closed in Jan.), I've been in a legal and emotional whirlwind.

Husband has been more dysregulated and difficult than ever regarding selling our house, and he was admitted to hospital for suicidal ideation about 3 weeks ago.  Since he got out, I have learned he is back in counseling, which is good for him, at least to keep him stable.  About 1.5 weeks ago, out of the blue, he made me another offer to buy me out on the house, and I accepted.  He had fired his attorney, so mine added everything to the PSA, and we both signed last week.  My attorney was in utter shock, as we have been preparing for litigation, and my husband has been so incredibly difficult.  It seemed a miracle after all we've been through last year.

So, now it's done.  It will be 6 weeks to 90 days until everything is filed and a divorce decree is issued, but for all intents and purposes, it's over.  And, I feel sad and alone.  And maybe regretful. 

I moved into my new house Feb. 1, and I've been busy and ok, but this weekend I've been incredibly lethargic and sad.    Today I realized I'm depressed. While unpacking, I keep coming across pictures and love letters from our marriage (which was quite happy until about 3-4 years ago when things began to unravel).

I even feel like I abandoned him and maybe should've stuck with him and continued to try to get him help. 

Last week was such a relief -- PSA was finally signed and it was a big step toward closure.  Has anyone else experience this type high and low when legal closure finally comes.  I was not expecting it!   

[NyGirl8]

Yes, I can relate.  Once I moved and was able to relax, the depression and the thoughts of him began... .

It has been a very long road since then.  Trying three more times, and finally a counselor mentions BPD/NPD to me to explain his behavior.  Learning has helped me immensely.  I need to stay away, this isn't getting better.  I now know there is nothing I can do to help him or fix this relationship. 

Now, this final time, the depression hasn' set in, but, like I said we attempted to "fix " this marriage three previous times... . so, I maybe a pro at sailing through the depression by now... . or, it's on the way and hasn't arrived .  But, I DO know this is the final time so I need to get my butt to the land of the healed:-)

But yes, I can relate.  Good luck!  Are seeing a therapist?  Mine has helped amazingly!

[atcrossroads]

I need to stay away, this isn't getting better.  I now know there is nothing I can do to help him or fix this relationship. 

Now, this final time, the depression hasn' set in, but, like I said we attempted to "fix " this marriage three previous times... . so, I maybe a pro at sailing through the depression by now... . or, it's on the way and hasn't arrived .  But, I DO know this is the final time so I need to get my butt to the land of the healed:-)

But yes, I can relate.  Good luck!  Are seeing a therapist?  Mine has helped amazingly!

Thanks, NYGirl.  I know everything you say is correct -- I had to go, it (he) couldn't be fixed, I had to fix myself.  Fixing myself is a work in progress, I suppose.  I've been feeling quite strong and collected getting through all the legal stuff and all the conflict he's thrown at me and my attorney (we've actually been separated almost 1.5 years -- just now living on my own though).  I did a lot of therapy leading up to and during the first half of our separation.  I largely credit my therapist with helping me see the toxicity and helping me gain the strength to leave.  I tapered off therapy mid summer and think it's time to go back.  Maybe now that things have quieted down, I can really dig deep and do some work on myself.

Thank you! 

[ForeverDad]

Recovery and closure and so much else are a process and not events.  Why not look up the Five Stages of Grief, quite a few web sites describe how grieving a loss takes time but is a journey well worth the effort.  You may bounce around from one to another for a while as you become acclimated to your new life.

[atcrossroads]

Thank you, FD.  I needed to hear this:  "Recovery and closure and so much else are a process and not events." 

[momtara]

It's funny.  I posted something similar last week.  The divorce became final for me in December and all of a sudden I am depressed and missing the good parts of the relationship.  There WERE reasons my exH and I got married.  We had things in common.  When things were good, it was really nice.  It's so hard when you are offered a glimpse of a normal relationship, and a terrible disorder takes it away.

It is easy to forget that sickening feeling of seeing his other side, though.

When I posted here, people told me that after the divorce becomes final, suddenly you start feeling melancholy because you're not in crisis mode anymore, and have to face the present.  So I know just how you feel.

Just trust your instincts.  There were probably some really hurtful events that pushed you out.  It is very hard for someone to change the way he's been all his life.  Yes, it is lonely being a divorced woman.  I never wanted to be that person.  The idea of it sickens me.  All the divorced women when I was growing up seemed kind of helpless and dateless.  So there's that, on top of missing the good parts of our relationship.

How hard did he really fight for you, though?  We all deserve someone we can rely on, at least a little bit.  Or to not be in a relationship full of lies and hurt and fears.  I used to literally get diarrheah when he was in his bad moods.  I don't know if I want that back.

[momtara]

Also, you say you abandoned him.  Was he ever willing to get real help?  Few are.  And if they do, they often can't change all the big issues.

[seeking balance]

  Has anyone else experience this type high and low when legal closure finally comes.  I was not expecting it!   

yes

The legal process kept a certain amount of anger and focus that was necessary to get through.  It was months later when it was all really calm that my loss (not panic, just depressed/acceptance) hit.

It really is a process as FD said

[livednlearned]

Reading letters and looking at photos literally kept me in the marriage for 4 extra years. I kept looking at that stuff during the worst of the rages, wondering how to reconcile Jekyll with Hyde. I sat in my lawyer's office the day I retained her, all weepy after reading letters from N/BPDx right before meeting with her. Such a brilliant, funny man. Love of my life. Cruelest person I know.

It doesn't seem to go away entirely, the melancholy. Isn't that normal? I still think about N/BPDx being old, alone and dying of some terrible disease in a hospital and no one to care for him.

It's ok to be tender hearted, to feel all the feelings. Use boundaries and actions to take care of yourself, and let your feelings be what they need to be. 

[momtara]

Livednlearned, does that mean your x hasn't moved on or had girlfriends?  Seems like many of these guys recover quickly.  And I guess there are some who just can't be in a relationship, who just push everyone away.

[atcrossroads]

All,

Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words.  It DOES help to know that others have had nearly identical experiences.  It's painful, but like FD said, I do realize grieving is process.  I  have been thinking that I need to strike a balance with my emotions.  I am trying to feel the pain and grief and not stuff it down because yes, like Momtara said, there were many reasons I loved him and why we were married so long.  I am grieving the dismantling of my whole life in a way.  So, I want to feel the pain, but... . I do NOT want to wallow in it or get stuck there.

Hearing all of your stories and advice is just what I needed.  While I think it's ok to pull out the pics once in a while, I know it's unhealthy to dwell in them.  And, sometimes, I have to to force my mind to go to the dark places... . to remind me of how bad it had become and remind me of why I left.  It was not a hasty or light decision and it was not made without lots of trying. 

So, thank you, all for your responses that helped me put my feelings into perspective.   

[livednlearned]

Livednlearned, does that mean your x hasn't moved on or had girlfriends?  Seems like many of these guys recover quickly.  And I guess there are some who just can't be in a relationship, who just push everyone away.

No girlfriends that I know of. He was bitter when I met him, but it was cloaked in humor. I imagine he is even more bitter now, and that might work to effectively keep women out. He does get a lot of narcissistic supply from women on two public social media platforms that he's part of.

[momtara]

Interesting.  I guess some of these guys can't hide their problems and others can (at least at first!)