Did I just do a mistake?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone!

I broke with my ex 6 month ago and have NC since 4 month... . our last contact was when she told me that she has a new boyfriend and that it's her new life and she doesn't want me to be in it and what not.

I didn't do well until December, when I moved back to my parents place for a while a recovered while having some distance. I did very well from new years on when I decided to leave things behind and work on myself (in terms of doing spots and losing some weight), because I noticed I wouldn't have stayed with her for so long if I had a healthy self-esteem.

My ex wasn't like most of the other here, she was the waif type who would always make me feel guilty and acted passiv aggressively. She raged out only once and I can still see the stains of the food that she spilled over me carpet.

Anyway, I did quite well until last week and distracted myself with sports and parties. But Valentines Day triggered me even though the one and only Valentines Day that I spend with her last year was not nice at all. I met someone we both know randomly on a party last week and she told me that my ex moved to another country. So I contacted someone who is (or used to be) a friend of her to confirm it its true. It not though. Anyway, that person I contacted and my ex are going to meet next Friday and I asked that person to find out about the new relationship of my ex.

I took my ex around 4 month to switch from idealization to devaluation and ever since then our relationship got worse and worse. Now I am wondering if she is doing the same thing with my replacement or if they are still in the honeymoon. I know that I actually shouldn't care because I wasn't happy with my ex over the last 6 month of our relationship anyways. But since she is undiagnosed I really wonder if she treating her new boyfriend the same way as she treated me, or if they still together at all.

Now I wonder if I maybe did I mistake and if I will be down again if I hear that they are actually doing fine.

[dansure]

Hey everyone!

I broke with my ex 6 month ago and have NC since 4 month... . our last contact was when she told me that she has a new boyfriend and that it's her new life and she doesn't want me to be in it and what not.

I didn't do well until December, when I moved back to my parents place for a while a recovered while having some distance. I did very well from new years on when I decided to leave things behind and work on myself (in terms of doing spots and losing some weight), because I noticed I wouldn't have stayed with her for so long if I had a healthy self-esteem.

My ex wasn't like most of the other here, she was the waif type who would always make me feel guilty and acted passiv aggressively. She raged out only once and I can still see the stains of the food that she spilled over me carpet.

Anyway, I did quite well until last week and distracted myself with sports and parties. But Valentines Day triggered me even though the one and only Valentines Day that I spend with her last year was not nice at all. I met someone we both know randomly on a party last week and she told me that my ex moved to another country. So I contacted someone who is (or used to be) a friend of her to confirm it its true. It not though. Anyway, that person I contacted and my ex are going to meet next Friday and I asked that person to find out about the new relationship of my ex.

I took my ex around 4 month to switch from idealization to devaluation and ever since then our relationship got worse and worse. Now I am wondering if she is doing the same thing with my replacement or if they are still in the honeymoon. I know that I actually shouldn't care because I wasn't happy with my ex over the last 6 month of our relationship anyways. But since she is undiagnosed I really wonder if she treating her new boyfriend the same way as she treated me, or if they still together at all.

Now I wonder if I maybe did I mistake and if I will be down again if I hear that they are actually doing fine.

[LA4610]

I don't think you made a mistake. You are human. You had a moment where you missed her and acted out on it. You def aren't the first to do something like this. In regards to  hearing about how things are going with the new bf, it might be going well and it might be going not so well. The thing I can tell you though is that eventually things will go way south. There is no other way for these people. Take comfort in knowing that it isn't you... . no man on earth can have any normal relationship with this woman.

[Popcorn71]

It is so difficult to deal with a situation like this.  You want to know and I think it is natural to be interested but I don't think it does any good to find out.  It's a reall catch 22.  I had a conversation with friends yesterday and hearing that everything seems to be going so well for my ex and the replacement, hurt me like hell.  It has really set me back and today I feel so fed up.

I understand how you feel and hope you feel better soon.

[dansure]

Thanks for replying!

I am a little scared that the same thing that happened to Popcorn71 happens to me. That is that I will hear that things are going well with the new guy and that I will just get hurt.

But even if things are (still) going well it doesn't mean it will stay like this. I am a strong person, so when she started to be abusive or passiv aggressiv I actually picked up the fight. I also have my temper to when she treated too poorly I would let her know. It might be that her new guy just doesn't have the guts to stand up to her (yet) or that he is simply didn't trigger her crazy side yet.

[NyGirl8]

I can relate.  This was actually the topic during my last therapy session.  What my therapist said made a lot of sense.  He said, don't ever assume how things are really going in the relationship by looking at the outward appearance.  This made so much sense.  Especially because out of the almost 10 years of our marriage... . the last 6 were hell... . and nobody knew.  I covered it so well and kept up appearances to everyone, even my closest friends.  Since I know my exUBPD/NPDh has found another codependent woman, I know the outward appearance will never match the hell she is going to be living in at some point.  He can't help it.  I hate that my children are going to be witnessing it again, but, I just hope my example of life will prove the better example for them.  And, even though I seem calm now, this is all much easier said than done.  I struggle with detaching.

Good Luck!  And I don't think you did anything "wrong".  You are you, you are human, you have emotions and insecurities, you were hurt, and you are healing (just like the rest of us:-).  Go easy on yourself and take care!

[dansure]

@NyGirl8

True, I actually didn't look at it that way. Just today I scrolled through some of our pictures and by looking at them it looks like we were having a great relationship. I pretty sure to people who saw us outside it looked like we were a happy couple. But no one saw what was going on behind the curtains and no one could look inside me and see that most of the time I really wasn't happy with her because I was always mad deep inside that she broke up with me for the smallest things. She always never really cared about what I want from a relationship and things that are important to me.

So even if she says things are going well with her and her new guy, no one knows how things are really going between them and how that guy is feeling in this relationship.

Good point!

[heartandwhole]

Hi dansure,

I don't think you made a mistake, either.  Finding out what she is doing, and with whom, sounds like a recipe for hurt, in my opinion.  It's just another way of making how you feel dependent on her. 

Congratulations on getting into sports and social events – those are great activities to benefit you, while taking your mind off your ex, but distraction is not the same as detachment.  Where do you think are you with that process?

Hang in there.  You are doing well for 6 months out! 

[dansure]

Hi dansure,

Finding out what she is doing, and with whom, sounds like a recipe for hurt, in my opinion.  It's just another way of making how you feel dependent on her. 

That actually sounds like I did a mistake. But I can't help, I am really wondering if she is really repeating the same cycle with her new guy. I am especially curious if there are still together at all. Because what I hated most about the relationship with her was that she broke for every fight that we had. I wonder if she is still doing it and if the other guy has the guts to not take her back.

[NyGirl8]

I stay with you did not make a mistake.  It is a learning process and you have to learn from your actions.  What actions make you feel good, which actions make you feel terrible, sad, attached, unattached, happy, free... . etc. 

I get it though.  I initially wanted a set schedule and list of rules of how to do this detaching thing.  Guess what?  I got it.  I got it in the form a controlling therapist who didn't let me reach places on my own.  Rather, she told me what to do and went so far as to rant at me if I didn't follow her "advice".  Ultimately I left that therapist, and I had many, many regrets of how I handled the initial split with my husband.  Those regrets were strong.  I did try again because I was unsure of all my progress because I finally saw that my ex-therapist was just as controlling as my husband.  I tried again with my husband, with support from a new and trusted therapist with a very non-controlling style.  I now have no regrets because I did it at my pace, with my own feelings and thoughts about it, with a therapist who supported me without telling me what to do. 

Your healing is your journey dansure.  You have all the ability in you to heal and work through it.  I personally do not believe in right or wrong, I believe in the journey.

I can relate to the obsessing thoughts.  I have reached the stage in my healing where I am working on how to control these better because I know they are not healthy for me.  My therapist is helping a lot with that.

So, good luck to you!  Stay strong.  Stay on your journey.  You deserve happiness and well being!

[santa]

If you don't have any kids with her, forget you ever met her and don't look back.

Having a kid with a borderline is the worst thing in the world. Don't put yourself through it. Just cut your losses and find a sane girl. This one will wreck your life for as long as you let her.

[dansure]

Last night a had a moment of clarity.

When I remembered how she treated me after our break up, I actually don't care anymore what and how she is doing with my replacement.

3 weeks after our break up she already forgot that it was our anniversary and when I told her she said "happy anniversary, I am glad it's over!".

When I called he and told her that I missed her (as she usually did during our previous break up) she didn't care at all and told me to move on. No matter how but our break ups were I never treated her that way when she called me and told me that she misses me. I would always give her another chance and try to work things out.

2 month after our break up she didn't even send me a message on my birthday and started to date someone else. Even if I wanted I wouldn't be able to do that!

So wondered: Why do I even care how things are going with my replacement? It doesn't change what happened between us and I actually wouldn't want her back.

So I told my friend today to not tell me what they'll talk about when they meet in Friday, because no matter what happens with my replacement:

Considering the way that she treated me at the end I don't want to have her in my life ever again.

[State85]

Last night a had a moment of clarity.

When I remembered how she treated me after our break up, I actually don't care anymore what and how she is doing with my replacement.

3 weeks after our break up she already forgot that it was our anniversary and when I told her she said "happy anniversary, I am glad it's over!".

When I called he and told her that I missed her (as she usually did during our previous break up) she didn't care at all and told me to move on. No matter how but our break ups were I never treated her that way when she called me and told me that she misses me. I would always give her another chance and try to work things out.

2 month after our break up she didn't even send me a message on my birthday and started to date someone else. Even if I wanted I wouldn't be able to do that!

So wondered: Why do I even care how things are going with my replacement? It doesn't change what happened between us and I actually wouldn't want her back.

So I told my friend today to not tell me what they'll talk about when they meet in Friday, because no matter what happens with my replacement:

Considering the way that she treated me at the end I don't want to have her in my life ever again.

Now, you're thinking correctly... . Well Said

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  Hi "dansure",  Thanks for the post this morning, Ive been thinking about it all day.  Yes our BPDex's sound very similar, mine was a total waif.  Very shy and innocent and never ever blew up at me, but there was a torment deep down in her soul.  So much pain, anger and fear.  I would have sold my soul to be able to help her and love and care for her, but she would never give me the chance.  I used to tell her to stop running away and give us a chance, give us longer than 4-5 weeks at a time to really work on us and our r/s but she wouldnt, she ran away many times and there was never anything I could do... I GUESS THAT WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE FEEL WE DESERVE!  My co-dependency made me low hanging fruit for her, she knew it and she used me till there was nothing left, then one day when we were on the other side of the state, (back in her hometown), she just walked out on me, no good-bye's, no Im sorry but this isnt working out, no, I love you, nothing and its been two months now.  Ive gotten passed wanting to blow my brains out, now I just exist, I still cry for her everyday and while my biggest fear is that I may hear from her again one day and be thrown back to the edge, I also fear that I will never see or hear from her again.  She is the most beautiful, perfect, sexy little thing Ive ever known and I pray for her health and happiness everyday, but I fear that I am forever broken and will carry her "cross" for the rest of my life.  I often wonder what kind of P.O.S. I must have been in another life to deserve having to go thru this and have my heart ripped out by the roots and shoved in my face. Never in my life have I ever loved anyone as much, or tried as hard as I did for her.  I realize that finding someone else would probably help, but I dont want anyone else, certainly not right now. A really pretty girl was flirting with me big time the other day, but all I kept thinking was, "just hurry up and give me my ___ing reciept, I wanted nothing to do with her.  I found myself getting really scared, I just dont want to get hurt again, I dont want to feel anything for another woman right now, besides, I literally have nothing left to give, my heart and my soul are with my baby in Memphis, on the other side of tennessee.