How important is diagnosis for a BPD?

[Moselle]

My uBPDw has agreed to attend a treatment session with a couple psychologist.

5 weeks ago we formally separated, and I asked for a psychological assessment for myself, by a highly competent practitioner because my wife had accused me of being everything on the spectrum from adulterer to sex addict to bipolar. So I thought I would find out just what I have.

After the assessment the Psychologist gave me something to read on co-dependency, and she said my wife was likely BPD. This has sparked the most rollercoaster 5 weeks of my life as I've grappled to understand my issues and come to terms with hers.

I want to do everything I can to save the marriage as there are 3 children involved, but this is mainly out of a sense of duty at this point. Normal, mutually beneficial, reciprocal, intimate love has never developed, and I am certainly in no place for Radical Acceptance yet. But I refuse to go back to the emotional nightmare of the BPD cycle.

Although I have only been at this site for a week, I've put in alot of time reading and learning. I honestly don't feel any malice for her. I am sad, angry, frustrated and disappointed, but don't wish her any more pain, and I also realise that her insults are not personal, they are more about her than about me. I have used the boundary setting tool and SET tool, to the point that yesterday she remarked that I sound like the man she married 14 years ago, and where have I been?

I opened up about how I am co-dependent (I really am open about this kind of stuff - If I have got something, lets deal with it) and on the road to recovery. I spared her the details saying I'm nervous to open up in case its used to hurt me later, but I admitted to needing her approval, especially around intimacy. She said she would be a support in my recovery.

She also agreed to meet with the same counsellor about my co-dependency issues and how it affects the relationship. She has previously agreed to be psychologically assessed by this counsellor, but to be honest I am walking on eggshells with this. She has admitted to being BPD before as well and then later completely denied it.

Part of this is as a result of an article talking about taking leadership of the relationship as the BPD never will. Should I set up an assessment for her as she has already agreed to it, and run the risk of her accusing me of trying to diagnose her, or just leave it as a session about my co-dep and see what happens?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

It sounds a bit like there was a crisis and now there are some actions to be worked through. Ideally your partner would take initiative and some T may even insist on her taking the initiative. Doing it for her will be controlling to some extent and might be resisted. Still there is some momentum at this time and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

I would not do anything behind her back but since you have practical experience of calling the T reception you may volunteer to help her book an appointment?

Diagnose is important in the sense that it leads to the right form of treatment. Willingness to learn skills, some ability to self reflect and a relationship with a validating but firm T count. In the end one can only change oneself.

[Moselle]

Thanks An0ught,

She does have a counsellor who she has been seeing for approximately 18 months. And she was diagnosed with an eating disorder, and impulse control disorder. It seems some therapists are either unwilling to diagnose BPD, or are ill equipped to do so.

I have no doubt she is BPD having seen other's experiences on this site, but I agree that she must take the intiative to own this.

[an0ught]

Sounds like she has an existing relationship with a T who works with her on self image, distorted (eating disorder) and emotions/self management (impulse control).

The label BPD has a lot of negative connotation as if something is wrong. I prefer more thinking the person lacks something and needs to learn. Emotional regulation disorder would so much more helpful a name.

As she is working on her side there are pluses and minuses to change the status quo. It is really her choice and if she feels she gets something out of the current T who can know it better?

Maybe focus on your side for the time being?

[Moselle]

That sounds like great counsel. I'll leave it completely to her to initiate if she wants to.

She has over the last 18 months stopped speaking to her parents who she blames for our poor relationship, not teaching her about communication, emotion, love, etc.

Ironically when we separated 5 weeks ago, she suddenly connected with them again as if nothing has happened, and she started blaming me for her separation with her parents :-) They have naturally taken to demonising me too, an interesting shift.

According to my wife she has also recommended that we divorce. Is this normal advice for a therapist to give?