Trivial little dilemna but would welcome opinions

[lever.]

I'm sorry if this is a bit trivial. I know some of you are grappling with much bigger problems ( been there in the past) but I'm not sure what to do.

You may remember that my DD broke off contact with me following a family argument at Christmas.  I sent a validation letter end of Jan and got a rather angry response.

Part of response said " do not even think of contacting me on my birthday - it would ruin my day".

Birthday is coming up next week. I know I have to respect her wishes but I suspect she may be upset when she gets no recognition at all from FOO. Also we think she will possibly use it as an example to her husband of how we hold grudges.

My DH wants to msg her husband to say we have been told definitively not to contact her on her birthday and it is not a decision taken by us.

DD hates anyone going behind her back and I think we might be better just leaving it.

I don't want to make situation worse, I am getting concerned re lack of contact with my 3 young GC as well as hoping to re-establish some contact with DD.

I have 5 days to decide. Any opinions?  Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

lever- this doesn't seem trivial at all!

If it were me, I would send a gift with a card with my name (or yours and your husband's name... . whatever appropriate) but no "message" because she has said no contact and a gift with a card that says "Happy Birthday" isn't exactly contact. If she likes flowers, I would send flowers, her favorite kind if you know.

She cannot stop you from thinking about her. She cannot stop you from loving and caring about her... .

Good luck and hope you get time with your Gkids soon.

thursday

[lever.]

Thank-you Thursday. I felt a bit guilty posting this while others are dealing with life or death situations but it is worrying me.

I spoke to a therapist who says I am disrespecting my DD if I contact her and keeps questioning why I feel compelled to ignore DD's instructions. DD did specifically say NOT EVEN A CARD. I would find this difficult to do.

This is a real "push/pull" situation. I will think about flowers.

Thank-you for understanding that this is not trivial to me.

[lost and found]

It's damned if you do, damned if you don't, isn't it? If you do contact her, then you went against what she specifically said and she can say that you disrespected her. If you don't contact her, she can say you didn't care enough. But, she is an adult, and you said that she was very specific. If it were me, I would not contact her. If she said that upsets her, I'd tell her I was honoring her request. You can't be a mindreader, and part of being an adult and setting boundaries and all of that is living with the consequences of what you create. So if you say don't send a card, the result is no birthday card or present. It's the day-to-day stuff that creates the whole relationship, so I don't think this is trivial either. I would find it difficult too. Best of luck you.

[jellibeans]

Dear Lever

I think I would be prone to send something with no message BUT also I think it might mean more to her that you didn't. It might send more of a message that you repect her wishes... . maybe that will open the door in the future? I have a dd16 right now and when she moves out and asks me not to send a gift or card I would probably not. I would not want to give her the opportunity to hurt me by rejecting it and secondly it would not be respecting her wishes. I might send a shout out on facebook to all to see that it was her bday... . but nothing direct

[lever.]

Your input is so helpful. If I ignore her birthday do you think DHs intention to msg her husband would be inflammatory?

She has blocked me from facebook and all other social media.

I am now leaning towards making no contact.

[jellibeans]

I think the more you fight her on this the more she will fight back. Even though you are blocked she is probably still friends with some of the same people so she might she your post... . I would stop making this a power struggle... . take the conflict out of it and give it some time... .

[lever.]

Thank-you. I think I will play it her way and let her feel in control. If her husband thinks we are horrible.

... that can't be helped.

DD has done similar things before and then tells everyone how unkind we are, I think its a form of projection and puts us in the wrong so she can avoid shame and be angry.

I think I'll leave it quite a bit longer and then try another validation letter. I have reflected hard on how I may have hurt her in the past but the most recent argument was difficult and I don't know what I could have done differently

[jellibeans]

sadly lever there is sometimes nothing we can do... . I think that is a good plan... . wait a while and see about another letter... . the letter can be tricky to write but each attempt show your willingness to try.

[Verbena]

I would do exactly as she instructed you to do.  She doesn't want you to call, so don't call or initiate any communication either with her or her husband.  If she's blocked you from social media and said you will ruin her day by calling on her birthday, then I wouldn't do anything.  It's all part of the BPD game, and you will be wrong no matter what you do anyway. 

[peppersnap]

You could send something in advance, with a note saying 'I know you don't want me to contact you on your birthday and I want to respect your wishes. However I'd like you to have this card/gift with my love.'

That way you're sending something, letting you know you care but respecting her wish for no contact on the day.

P

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[six]

hi Lever

I also agree that this is not trivial and is exactly the kind of question that we need to get answered on this board.  

I am leaning toward the idea of respecting her wishes for no contact.  don't forget there will be future birthdays when hopefully your relationship with her will be improved and you can do something different.

as far as her DH goes, by now, he must know the reality of being in a relationship with her and he should not judge you.  i  would not spend a lot of energy worrying about what he will think of you. he will either see the situation rationally, or else he will look at it thru her twisted eyes, which tells you something about his emotional health.

[LAHdedah]

My first reaction is to send a signed card with no personal message, but if you strongly feel you should not contact her, then go to your own facebook page and post to your status something like,   "Today X number of years ago my DD was born.  It was a  joyous day.  yada, yada, yada".  I realize she has blocked you so unless she is lurking she will not see it, if she does see it she can't say you contacted her.  In any case you will have acknowledged the significance of the day and hopefully that will give you some personal comfort.

[lever.]

Thank-you all for taking the trouble to reply. I have decided to make no contact on her birthday but send a bit of money afterwards for them to take the children out for the day instead of a present.

I agree with those who say that whatever I do won't be right and that I need to drop the rope so that it isn't a power struggle. I do feel more comfortable with it after hearing your opinions. People on here seem to understand more than anyone I know in "real life".

[peaceplease]

lever,

Oh my, what a dilemma!  I would not send anything on her birthday.  I would do like you mentioned.  Perhaps, a day later, send her a card, and saying that you hope she had a good Birthday.  It definitely sounds like a test, and your are darned, no  matter what you do.  I think the day after is good because it is not on her birthday. 


I hope you get to enjoy sometime with your grandchildren!

peaceplease