Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 12:15:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Am I doing this right? A few questions about exBPD behavior  (Read 427 times)
16YearBetrayal

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 31



« on: February 17, 2014, 10:40:36 AM »

I met with stbxBPDh last night to discuss our divorce and his moving away (apparently happening in less than 6 weeks).  The conversation went much better than I could have hoped.   I was able to make my peace with him - I made him just listen and spoke my mind about how our r/s made me feel and how his treatment of me (cheating on me and moving right on with the replacement) made me feel very betrayed because I gave him my trust and he knew that and betrayed it.  He did not blame much, mildly took ownership, while still suggesting that he just was not aware of what he was doing when he was doing it and did not end up forming a r/s with someone else on purpose – it just happened.  I know that is complete BS and made it clear that he is the only person that can held responsible for his actions and I hold him responsible.  I know he mentally justifies everything he does much more than what he would say. Nonetheless, just making my peace made me feel SLIGHTLY better.   

We ended up being able to agree that our r/s ending was necessary no matter what as I wanted a healthy relationship and he wanted a codependency.  He literally says that - "I want a codependent relationship."  I restated it back every time as - yes I wanted a healthy relationship and you want an unhealthy one.  That made him say he didn't think it was unhealthy for him as it is what he wants.  I just stared at him and said nothing. 

I definitely got that feeling that he wanted my approval that I hear other people talking about on these boards.  He kept saying how he was here to support me and wanted to be friends.  I would just say nothing.  I have already made it clear that I would never chose a friend who is willing to hurt me in the way he does and how can the person who hurt me be the one to support me.  He was definitely putting up his best front for me last night.  I have to remind myself how charming he can be, and how quickly it goes the other direction. 

A few questions:

1.   Is it okay for me to make him know how I feel if I am not seeking anything back from him when I tell him these things?  I decided to do it because I thought it would make me feel better, but I am also afraid he gets joy from knowing I am sad and struggling.  He likes to tell me all the time how worried he is about me. I just don’t respond to those statements.  But I was feel like he is baiting me to share my struggles like it gives him pleasure. 

2.   Why exactly do pwBPD seek approval from an ex?  I presume because you are an important “object” to them and they are consistently seeking validation?

3.   Why do they turn back on the charm? Just to make you remember them positively to hurt you more that they are gone? Or because they are just crazy and you never know what you are going to get with a pwBPD? 

Logged
Popcorn71
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 483



« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2014, 12:16:20 PM »

 I was able to make my peace with him - I made him just listen and spoke my mind about how our r/s made me feel and how his treatment of me (cheating on me and moving right on with the replacement) made me feel very betrayed because I gave him my trust and he knew that and betrayed it.  He did not blame much, mildly took ownership, while still suggesting that he just was not aware of what he was doing when he was doing it and did not end up forming a r/s with someone else on purpose – it just happened.  I know that is complete BS and made it clear that he is the only person that can held responsible for his actions and I hold him responsible.  I know he mentally justifies everything he does much more than what he would say. Nonetheless, just making my peace made me feel SLIGHTLY better.   

I had a similar conversation with my exh.  It left me more confused than ever.  He left me for another woman and hurt me in the worst way possible then wants to be friends and keep in touch!  Not possible, from my point of view.

I definitely got that feeling that he wanted my approval that I hear other people talking about on these boards.  He kept saying how he was here to support me and wanted to be friends.  I would just say nothing.  I have already made it clear that I would never chose a friend who is willing to hurt me in the way he does and how can the person who hurt me be the one to support me.  He was definitely putting up his best front for me last night.  I have to remind myself how charming he can be, and how quickly it goes the other direction. 

Exactly the same here.  I think it was his way of keeping me on his side and not telling the truth to family and friends.  He did not want his reputation ruined, especially as he was given so much support and sympathy a few years ago when his ex wife left him in exactly the same way.  He has carried out the actions that he has always condemned her for and he knows that everyone else will be thinking badly of him.


1.   Is it okay for me to make him know how I feel if I am not seeking anything back from him when I tell him these things?  I decided to do it because I thought it would make me feel better, but I am also afraid he gets joy from knowing I am sad and struggling.  He likes to tell me all the time how worried he is about me. I just don’t respond to those statements.  But I was feel like he is baiting me to share my struggles like it gives him pleasure.

I have the exact same feeling so I would say you are correct in thinking he is getting some kind of kick out of knowing you are hurt and not having an easy time.  I told my exBPDh that I would never speak to him or acknowledge him again once our divorce was through.  He got very angry at that. 

2.   Why exactly do pwBPD seek approval from an ex?  I presume because you are an important “object” to them and they are consistently seeking validation?

I think it is to lessen their feelings of guilt and shame.  They think that if you are friends then they can't be all bad.

3.   Why do they turn back on the charm? Just to make you remember them positively to hurt you more that they are gone? Or because they are just crazy and you never know what you are going to get with a pwBPD?

Maybe it is a combination of hurting you more, and also keeping you in reserve in case they ever want to recycle.  Possibly, as in the case of my ex, I think they think it looks better to the outside world if they can be perceived as a 'nice guy'. 

Logged
winston72
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 688



« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2014, 12:28:18 PM »

My post is traversing the ethernet with Popcorn... . but I am sending anyway as I need to sign off!

Hello 16... .

I will offer comment on just a bit of your post... . as I am sure that others will have more insight on the other parts.

As to your question 1., I trust your use of the phrase "make him feel" is more mistake than intentional given the balance of your post, but I will note anyway that we cannot make anyone else feel or think anything.  I highlight this because you mentioned previously that you spent tremendous energy managing your husband's BPD traits over the years, knowingly or otherwise.  The behaviors of a partner with BPD lead us to focus on them rather than ourselves, so this is an easy pattern to adopt and maintain.  The process of establishing boundaries for ourselves and allowing the other person to live within their own boundaries/limitations/resources can be new for us, and hard to accomplish.

As to your expressing your feelings, thoughts, perspectives to him honestly and directly... . well, of course!  The guiding principles are likely common sense to you in other relationships, although quite distorted with him given your history.  In other words, you should feel the freedom to speak honestly to him while being conscious of his limitations and being mindful of protecting yourself.  By this I mean that it would be unwise to expose yourself to him in a manner that leaves you vulnerable to ongoing emotional betrayal.  I think this topic also relates to boundaries and values.  You need to act consistent with your own values and boundaries without feeling the need to tap-dance around him or manage him, but also careful to protect your own emotions.  

Your questions 2 and 3 I will leave to others for responses.  But, simply stated, and as you seem to already know, his inner world is very different from yours.  For me, the realization of this (and I am still realizing what this means) was a kind of death.  It meant the loss of a partner; the loss of a fellow traveler in this life.  It was/is so hard because my ex could appear to be along with me, seem to be processing life as I was, could be so lucid and present at some times... . and then wasn't.  It is a loss, and a very confounding one at that.  In some ways his connection to another woman and his pending departure from your city is the tangible manifestation of this deeper but invisible departure/loss.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!