Some more insight

[loz1982]

I went to a clinical psychologist yesterday which I have been doing since I left my ex. I thought to myself I didn't know what I was going to say as I hadn't got really upset in awhile so thought I was on my way to recovery. Well I'm glad I did, hadn't seen her before so had to give her the whole story and I cried a few times, made me realise that the grief was still just below the surface. One thing that I had found very sad and thought it was proof he didn't really love me, is that he didn't do a thing to get me back. Yes he told me he loved me and missed me terribly and wanted me to come home, life doesn't hold any excitement without you here etc but he never fought for me, just sat back and wanted me to take the biggest risk of my life and come back without any actions from him. Well the psychologist pointed out that would be him letting go of control, giving it to me and he is just not capable, after all the whole relationship was about control for him, how I should handle my parents, how I should treat my friends, how I should be around the house, who is going to look after our unborn baby that isn't even conceived yet and I was even to an extent controlled by money. I just thought it was about his pride and he said its just that both of us are stubborn but mine is self preservation and his is control, I can see that now. It must be exhausting trying to maintain control all the time. Would therapy even help someone who is controlling or will they never change?

I have decided to make the move interstate so its the first thing I have been excited about in 5 months, I can't go back to the same city as him at the moment, I would be set back before I start. The NC is getting easier, we have done the longest time of it lately, with him saying he wants someone different to me, we had a father daughter relationship and I haven't respected you for some time. Its funny he did say I was the love of his life, talk about paint me black when he isn't getting his own way. I have been on a couple of dates with a guy but Im moving away anyway but its such a relief to meet someone decent, know they are out there even though its not going to continue. I do get close to him but then put my walls up, can't work out if its too soon, or just my situation at the moment, think I'm confusing him a bit, hope I can get over this in the future!

[drxap]

Glad you're taking some very positive steps in your life. I can relate to dealing with the control issues of a pwBPD. They can really say the nastiest things to you when you deny them control over your life. It really makes you question your self worth when someone you loved is so hurtful towards you.

My exBPDgf would get furious when I stopped doing everything she commanded.

[loz1982]

I'm hearing you drxap mine would always say I need to be more decisive, speak my mind and be more confident but he wouldn't like it if it was something he didn't agree with it and the names and emotional abuse I copped didn't enhance my self confidence I became a shell of my former self. I think deep down you know you are worth more but you can't help take onboard the hurtful things they say, I called that person the evil twin. His words contradicted themselves all the time I still don't know what to believe or who was the real him. The one thing I do know no one deserves to be controlled and no one should want to control someone!

[drxap]

I think all of the abuse is part of the real them. They have intense feelings and they do not know how to deal with them, so they deflect them onto the people who love them. They fear that if they don't control us they will lose us. But succeeding in controlling us does not alleviate their fears, so they act out and create chaos. Its all really weird and totally nuts, and I don't miss it at all. The abuse and control is wrong and immoral, but we did allow things to get bad.

[loz1982]

Yes we did allow it to happen a lot of that for me is my low self esteem going into it so I allowed such behaviour because I initially thought flattered for wanting me to himself, never had anyone so focused on me before. It is messed up the more you show you love them the more they push you away and accuse you of not being 100% committed! It's a no win situation and that is what I have struggled with for so long but have worked out I'll never work them out so why bother trying. I can go into bigger and better things and unfort they can't, I was waiting for the anger to come but it's just sadness for them for us and what I believe could've been if it wasn't for BPD. The person outside of the BPD was the one I loved! How long did you persevere for before it became too much?

[drxap]

My relationship was an endurance test from day 1. I'm not entirely sure how I allowed myself to be guilted so deeply into a relationship. I have felt a lot of anger at her for everything she did and I have pitied her situation as a pwBPD. I am finally starting to realize that what we had was not healthy and it was not romantic love. Every step "forward" in our relationship was taken through manipulation and deceit. How long have you been broken up? It took me a long time before I started to feel angry.

[loz1982]

I left towards the end of September but have been in contact up until a couple of weeks ago and I believe if I had done NC from Sep I would've been a lot further along in the grieving process. Instead responded to his texts trying to make him see sense but getting nowhere! I still miss him every day but am confused what I miss as it wasn't good the past year! The first year and a half was lovely between us it was only after we got engaged that things got bad. Maybe that triggered him or maybe he felt he had more of a right to control me!

[drxap]

My engagement didn't help matters either. You will start to see how lucky you were that things did get bad enough for you to leave before you got married. I was lucky in that regard too. Can you imagine having kids with a pwBPD? The distress would be a killer.

[Allmessedup]

My relationship was also much better before our ceremony.  It was shortly thereafter that all heck started breaking loose.  I think although that was what she wanted she couldn't actually handle the commitment.  It scared her too much

[loz1982]

I know very scary if they are afraid of being abandoned what would happen if you are focussing your energy on a baby initially. They would also try to control how it is raised, I would not have been able to be the mother I wanted to be, my actions would be judged all the time like my cleaning was and would not have my parents for support. Also maybe the child will inherit BPD or some of those traits or at least see their dad being controlling and in turn become that way with partners in the future! Dodged a bullet as everyone tells me I'm slowly realising it.