Had to Go Sleep On the Couch Last Night

[gary seven]

Well she was back in full rage mode last night.  Th0e combination of me being out of town 4 days at a conference, her getting ill, having the three kids home for a 4 day weekend and her parents (her Mother is uBPD) set up a perfect storm:

back to the yelling and carrying on, the blame, kept up afor a good part of the night when I just finally told her that's it I'm going to sleep on the couch.

"But we have things to talk about."

Not at 1145pm, we don't.

Earlier in the evening , when she was revving her engines, complaining about everything her parents were doing wrong this trip and how I was not standing up for her, making the kids get off schedule, why the house is not fixed, (another story), I will NEVER be able to get to the cabinet store, EVER, to pick out cabinets,

you had no right leaving us here alone, you should not reward the bad child with your time at the expense of the others... .

I tried the SET techniques.  Really I did.  In a calm, clear manner.  Using the template.  She smashed right through it.  So I left to go sleep on the couch, and guess what, she came right down stairs after me.  I pulled out the electric heater, pulled out a blanket and covered my head.  I would not respond to her.  She finally left after 20 minutes.  My next step was to get the car keys and drive away for a

half hour.

"All that work I did these last 2 months to not yell and scream  you just ruined by catering to my family."  "You always put them over me and never stand up for me."

Folks, I was depressed having to go on a business conference by myself leaving the kids home with her.  I had bad thoughts and reached out to a friend to talk me through things.

Coming back home I felt a little better, but I think I just fell into a sinkhole.  My kids' irrational behaviors I know come from her yelling at the top of her lungs to me.  Her icy, cold, piercing arguments.  Her disrespect for boundaries other than hers.

I knew this would happen with her parents here.  The cost is too much.  They are toxic but she magically thinks they'll help with the kids.  Well, they do: let's eat at burger king or sweet tomatoes today ,kids, let's go to the mall... . nothing sophisticated.  I had to direct them to take them to the public library.

I got to go away to work today, which helped, but am faced with the same sleeping dilemma tonight.

I'm not looking to pick any fights, cause it only makes these people worse.

I'm so battered.  I tried to explain it to her.  I told her I can't take the verbal abuse anymore.

So at one point she said," let's get divorced."  It's part of my exit plan, but I am in so much debt and can't afford to put her in an apartment.  She might just get me  fired .I felt too weak to say yes, because I can't stand to have the children exposed to unopposed her and have her inculcate her illness into them, which is what is already starting to happen.

So tonight I will take my regular prescribed meds, a glass of water, and hope for a better tomorrow.  I can't live anymore of today, and I never want to live another yesterday.  The scars run so deep already.

Thanks for listening.

[GreenMango]

Yikes that was rough.

I liked reading this though it made me chuckle a little:

"But we have things to talk about." 

Not at 1145pm, we don't.

sometimes none of the tools will work when they are revving the engines before you get home.  Just takingthat time out like you did.

In your wise mind you know you aren't responsible for her actions ... . like yelling.  And I'm guessing the accusations about picking her folks over her isn't true either.  These are those emotional impulses of BPD.

How's the boundaries coming along?  Are you definitely making a plan to leave?   

[gary seven]

GreenMango:

Thanks for the support.

My plans to leave are very sticky.

Work had a major shakeup in leadership, now called Stewardship.  "stewardship" is the new "Re-engineering" from the 90's.  Have to wait the storm

In May I have a MAJOR recertification test that I have not passed twice already because she refused to let me study.  No pass= No job.

House has major structural damage due to chimney flood .  Almost a year ago.

She has been horrible with the contractors--we are on #4.  She just wants us to move out in the middle of the night.  She says homeless kids get to go to whatever school they want to. 

Kids have been moved from several schools and cities already because of her

It's not fair to them.

So exit is slow, but likely this summer once I pass the test and get the house fixed to sell.

But her mental health speaks for itself and I document every day what goes on.

Had another bad morning with her already. 

I need to shake it off and concentrate on work and the kids.

[saitek]

But her mental health speaks for itself and I document every day what goes on.

I'm in a similar situation granted not quite as bad as yours friend and i hope you get through it sanity mostly intact. I wanted to ask you how you document her behavior i'm trying to start doing it myself and I'm unsure of the best way to go about it with out getting her suspicious?

[Skip]

Are you done with this relationship?  Committed to end it?

[gary seven]

Saitek:

I am not the best typist, but each day I diary on my office computer that she has no access to (multiple different changing passwords, none of which are related to home) about what happened.

I type it in excel spreadsheets and save each day.

In my state, only one person needs to consent to be recorded.  I have made several movies and recorded her on speakerphone on my cell.

I have my cell backed up to carbonite.

I document conflicts between us, things I remember her saying, things that she is doing.

I think I only have one page in all of these exell documents about me trying to feel better.  One day it was warm here and I got to walk around the office building.  10 minutes max.  I felt good.

Holding onto good feelings I find to be very difficult.  You may research my other posts ( I think someone else said that you can), to see, briefly I joined in November after 10 years of victimization.

I had consulted an attorney last fall, as a result of my calling psychiatrist n+1 for my wife to try.  When the doctor returned my call, and I explained my situation, she plain out told me my wife was "bat-s*&t crazy" and I need to get out.  The doc refused to take my wife as a patient, because in some, treatment for BPD is like hitting your head up against a wall.  Multiple times.  And taking the BPDspouse to a situation where you pay $ for help, a case like mine is helpless.  I'm broke from last year's medical expenses alone.

Ultimately it will involve dissolution of the  marriage for my sanity.

And to Skip:

I gotta end it before it ends me and my three wonderful kids.

It just can't happen as fast as I would desperately want it to do.  That would be  magical thinking.  As much as it sucks, I gotta stay out of La-LA Land.

[Skip]

Have you met with a lawyer?

[gary seven]

Skip:

yeah for a consultation, as recommended by the psychiatrist who refused to accept the appointment.  I went to the Atm and withdrew the cash for the consultation fee. 

I was advised to do the several things I have mentioned.  I have collected documents at work in a safe place.

I am under way too much pressure now, and since finally understanding the condition really in first person, I am awash in a state of personal disgust for not doing something sooner.  I felt to be, like the old Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, " the slave of duty."  I have a tremendous amount of guilt and loss over the opportunities or life if things were different.  Fact is, they ain't.  I really do love my kids.  I waited a long time to have 'em, and thought staying in was the right thing to do until she nearly hit me with the frying pan and instead smashed the glass cooktop to pieces.  I fell  to pieces that very instant.

I am very pressured most days; it is this board I come to at work and late at night  to vent and catch up on the others.  It really helps to know I am not alone.  There have been some times I thought I was the only one.  And that there was no way out but her way. 

I am looking to eek myself, like an inchworm or snail, up the tunnel to get to the light of day.

I have not proceeded with filing any papers because in my county,when you file   you set a 30 day clock to get it done or else its a court battle.  Can't do that to the kids.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey gary seven, I have been in your shoes, my friend, and spent many nights on the couch.  At least you didn't get a gallon of water dumped on your head at 4:00 a.m. like I did!  Not fun, believe me.  I don't mean to make light of your situation, which I understand completely.  I was in the same no-win situation for years over the course of a 16-year marriage.  Much of the time I was sleep-deprived, as you describe.  I had a rule, no serious conversations after 10 p.m., but a pwBPD will ignore rules and boundaries.  Reading your post reminds me of some hellish years with my BPDxW and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Hang in and keep doing what you're doing in terms of documenting events.  At some point, I suggest you try to focus on your needs and, in the meantime, try to be good to yourself.  Lucky Jim

[16YearBetrayal]

I have found yet another pattern.  My stbxBPDh also ALWAYS wanted to discuss all serious things AFTER I went to bed. Even if there were hours and hours available to talk earlier, it was like he would wait on purpose until I was laying in bed, sometimes already starting to fall asleep, to wake me up and say we needed to talk about something.  It never went well because I was always tired and would just stare at him waiting for him to stop so I could go back to sleep.  I know laying in bed let's or mind wander and we occasionally might have that need, but most of our serious conversations would take place under these circumstances. 

In our last few months together, our counselor asked us to come up with a couple things we wanted to request from each other so that we could better work on the things we were individually working on.  One of my things was NO serious conversations at or after bedtime.  It was that annoying to me, and I knew allowed him to have a genuine complaint that I was not engaged – because I wasn’t, because I just wanted to sleep, because I was exhausted. 

Sometimes you just have to laugh at the patterns.