Why can't I let go of the expectations?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't posted for some time because I found myself getting depressed and angry every time I read anything that had to do with BPD.  I found it interfering with my work and my responsibilities at home.  I got to the point where I just couldn't function in day-to-day life because I couldn't focus or concentrate.  So I stepped away from the books and the boards and worked on myself in other ways.  Around that time, my husband flew across country to be with his sick father.  Originally, he was only to be gone for a week but his father passed, so his stayed for another week. 

I'm sure I was subconsciously setting myself up for "this" the entire two weeks.  I knew that he would come back even more child-like after being with his extremely dysfunctional family.  I knew that all the work I had done on myself, my home and with my children would be disrupted, particularly because I had to go back to work once he was physically here.

Sidenote: I own a business so have the flexibility to work from home but of course, when I'm single-parenting, I'm not able to work as much since I physically have to be home with my children to get them ready for school, feed them and take them to their activities.  And, I'm sure my mother also BPD so she is absolutely of no help during times like this.

So, now he's home and I'm fuming; feeling a raging inferno unleashing inside.  I know that I shouldn't expect anything of him and I'm setting myself up, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now.  I have 3 children and a business, which he "helps" me with but now that we're in our "slow" season, he isn't taking responsibility for business development or even some administrative functions without me asking him and when I ask him, I'm told that I'm trying to control his life.  He's not picking up slack around the house.  He sits around on his computer all day "writing his book" or writing to who knows who.  He stays up all night watching tv and then when I wake up at 4:30 so that I have time to get everyone, including myself, ready for the day, he goes to sleep, snoring away like a pig on the couch.

I know I'm sounding incoherent and just plain mean right now but I'm feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed.  I can't kick him out because we don't have the money for him to find a place to live but I can't live with him either.  I'm also not presently in the position to see a therapist or even have the time to research therapists.

He had been soliciting sex on Craigslist and I found the emails in Aug and had kicked him out for a month but he was living in my office and I couldn't work.  I find myself going over the last 20 years in my mind and seeing the signs and feeling angry over having allowed myself to accept this type of treatment and abuse.

I know he just lost his father, but we have family to operate, a business to run and bill to pay.  I asked him yesterday what his plan in life was and he said to "help" me with the business and write his book.  What a fortunate life he must have, to be able to sit around and write a book without having to worry about when the mortgage is due or when the car payments are due because it's all in my name.

Before he left, I told him that I am working towards forgiving him and he tried to have sex with me but I told him that I couldn't because I don't know who he is anymore.

He's not being mean right or abusive at this particular moment in time and he obviously knows I'm angry, which is opposite of how I was feeling before he left but I just don't have time for a 4th large child that is confusing and derailing all of my efforts with the real children in the house.

I know that I've created this world for myself and I'm working so hard to get to a place of stability but his physical presence is impeding and oppressive.

[looking4myself]

I haven't posted for some time because I found myself getting depressed and angry every time I read anything that had to do with BPD.  I found it interfering with my work and my responsibilities at home.  I got to the point where I just couldn't function in day-to-day life because I couldn't focus or concentrate.  So I stepped away from the books and the boards and worked on myself in other ways.  Around that time, my husband flew across country to be with his sick father.  Originally, he was only to be gone for a week but his father passed, so his stayed for another week. 

I'm sure I was subconsciously setting myself up for "this" the entire two weeks.  I knew that he would come back even more child-like after being with his extremely dysfunctional family.  I knew that all the work I had done on myself, my home and with my children would be disrupted, particularly because I had to go back to work once he was physically here.

Sidenote: I own a business so have the flexibility to work from home but of course, when I'm single-parenting, I'm not able to work as much since I physically have to be home with my children to get them ready for school, feed them and take them to their activities.  And, I'm sure my mother also BPD so she is absolutely of no help during times like this.

So, now he's home and I'm fuming; feeling a raging inferno unleashing inside.  I know that I shouldn't expect anything of him and I'm setting myself up, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now.  I have 3 children and a business, which he "helps" me with but now that we're in our "slow" season, he isn't taking responsibility for business development or even some administrative functions without me asking him and when I ask him, I'm told that I'm trying to control his life.  He's not picking up slack around the house.  He sits around on his computer all day "writing his book" or writing to who knows who.  He stays up all night watching tv and then when I wake up at 4:30 so that I have time to get everyone, including myself, ready for the day, he goes to sleep, snoring away like a pig on the couch.

I know I'm sounding incoherent and just plain mean right now but I'm feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed.  I can't kick him out because we don't have the money for him to find a place to live but I can't live with him either.  I'm also not presently in the position to see a therapist or even have the time to research therapists.

He had been soliciting sex on Craigslist and I found the emails in Aug and had kicked him out for a month but he was living in my office and I couldn't work.  I find myself going over the last 20 years in my mind and seeing the signs and feeling angry over having allowed myself to accept this type of treatment and abuse.

I know he just lost his father, but we have family to operate, a business to run and bill to pay.  I asked him yesterday what his plan in life was and he said to "help" me with the business and write his book.  What a fortunate life he must have, to be able to sit around and write a book without having to worry about when the mortgage is due or when the car payments are due because it's all in my name.

Before he left, I told him that I am working towards forgiving him and he tried to have sex with me but I told him that I couldn't because I don't know who he is anymore.

He's not being mean right or abusive at this particular moment in time and he obviously knows I'm angry, which is opposite of how I was feeling before he left but I just don't have time for a 4th large child that is confusing and derailing all of my efforts with the real children in the house.

I know that I've created this world for myself and I'm working so hard to get to a place of stability but his physical presence is impeding and oppressive.

[Want2know]

I hear your frustration, and realize that you are in a tough spot, having to manage the business and care for your children.

You say your mom is little help - do you have friends that could help?  Maybe watch the kids for a few hours while you do something for yourself?  If you take a look at the steps to the right in 'Choosing a Path', it is very important to take a step back and create some space for yourself.  I know that with all you have on your plate, it may be difficult - not impossible, though.

What are some things that you enjoy doing that make you feel good?

Letting go of your expectations is a hard one, as what you might normally expect from a partner is much more difficult to expect from a person who is mentally ill.  Have you read much about Radical Acceptance?  This is key to letting go of unrealistic expectations.

[looking4myself]

Thank you so much for your response, Want2know.  I have read "Choosing a Path" and Radical Acceptance several times but I seem to be stuck in the anger stage and can't move past it to "stop the bleeding'. 

My husband was posting ads on Craigslist soliciting sex for at least the last year and quite possible engaging in relationships outside of ours for the last 19 years.  I'm sure, oftentimes, he engaged in conversations with multiple women as I sat on the couch right next to him and while our children played near us. I kicked him out for a month this past August when I caught him sneaking out to meet with one of the women.  He did not and has not accepted responsibility and blames me for his actions and calls me heartless and cruel for kicking him out.  I was so heartless and cruel that I allowed him to stay at my office and drive my car around.

We have 3 children and I'm working as hard as I possibly can to provide for them while he sits on the couch on his computer doing God knows what.

I told him that he has until the end of this year (the end of our contractual obligations for work) to find a job and get himself into a position where he can take care of himself and move out.  He has not begun that process.

I feel like an idiot for not opening my eyes to the signs through the years.  For forgiving him over and over, just to be hurt again.

I realize that I have unrealistic expectation of him and this is why I continue to feel the way I do.

The complicated aspect of all of this is that we have 3 children and the law is not on my side.  If I chose to move forward with a divorce, it'll be difficult to prove that he has a personality disorder if he is unwilling to accept responsibility and that can make it ugly and messy for the kids.

I know I'll have to share custody and I'm not sure that he'll be able to provide a warm, caring, nurturing, safe environment for them and that's not what I want for them.

I also don't want to be stuck in a loveless, unhappy marriage that sends all the wrong messages to my children.

[Want2know]

I told him that he has until the end of this year (the end of our contractual obligations for work) to find a job and get himself into a position where he can take care of himself and move out.  He has not begun that process.

If this is what you want, to divorce or at least start with a legal separation, then it would be best to create a back-up plan. 

I was in a very similar situation as yours, from the soliciting sex, to laying on the couch, and not taking any action to get a job.  I wrote about what you are writing about 4 years ago on this site, and nothing seemed to go as I wanted it when it came to the logistics of ending the relationship (we lived together for 4 years, in my house, with his son from a previous marriage).

I gave him a timeframe about getting a job and moving out.  I was trying to wait till the end of the school year, so it wouldn't disrupt his son.  That was the plan.  It didn't go that way, and got messy in the end.

First, from the moment I told him that's what I wanted, he started to leave the house with me to care for his son while he went out partying and carousing.  That ate away at me.  Even though I knew the r/s had to end, I still felt I loved him, and to see him go off with other women while he was living with me was heartbreaking.

Second, he never got a job.  It was all he could do to hang on, and use it for me to not kick him out.  He either didn't think I was serious or felt he could play the victim card and I would succumb - which I'd done so many times before.

It came down to me escalating the time for him to move out, and doing it even though he hadn't gotten a job yet.  It was my mental stability vs. trying to be nice.  I opted for my mental stability.  He took his son to his friends house and lived there.  He had options.  Not the best ones, but he wasn't living on the street.

What would you do if he didn't have a job by December?

The complicated aspect of all of this is that we have 3 children and the law is not on my side.  If I chose to move forward with a divorce, it'll be difficult to prove that he has a personality disorder if he is unwilling to accept responsibility and that can make it ugly and messy for the kids.

I know I'll have to share custody and I'm not sure that he'll be able to provide a warm, caring, nurturing, safe environment for them and that's not what I want for them.

I would suggest that you start a thread about this aspect on our Family Law board.  The members there can suggest steps for you to take so that you are doing the most you can regarding custody.  There are things you may be able to do to strengthen your case.  You can access that board here, and start a new topic:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I also don't want to be stuck in a loveless, unhappy marriage that sends all the wrong messages to my children.

I hear you, and respect that you recognize by staying in such a relationship it can have a detrimental effect on your children, in addition to being a dissatisfying way to live your life.