Dealing With My Own Protective Instincts

[Legacymaker]

So today I found out that my oldest son will be traveling next week to see my mother and her husband. I am still VLC with with my mother, following her last Christmas rage.

His Grandparents are paying for my son to drive the 8 hours to their house. I am feeling very sad. This is her golden grandson and I know my mom will be picking his brain about me and pitting him against his brothers, which is something I am always deflecting for them.  This son is still pretty naive to her manipulation because I have kept silent about the kind of behaviors that go on behind his back.

This particular son has been trying to get a business started for the past year. His dad and I have taught him financial management since he was 14.  He purchased his first home at the age of 23. Unbeknownst to him, this is a serious point of jealousy for my mother.  

My husband and I have  developed and successfully run 2 companies for over 25 years. We have taught all of our kids to be entrepreneurial. Now my mother and her husband are acting like they are financial/business experts. (That is why they are having him come down).

Since neither my brother or myself are having much to do with my mom at the moment, I believe my mother's next "chess move" is to try to have a "do over" in parenting with this grandson  I see her goal as trying to get him to leave us and his brothers and move to the "big city" where THEY will be able to take credit for MAKING him successful.

I hate that I am feeling so protective.  Of course I want my son to have every opportunity for success that he can.  I know this is just another of my mothers ploys to outplay me. This time my son is the pawn and he's about to get hurt.  I worry it is going to cost him everything he has already worked so hard to obtain.

I am having so much trouble processing my emotions tonight. I feel like my mom is now unravelling the family that I have fought so hard to protect.

[Sitara]

If they don't know much about business, it should be fairly apparent to your son pretty quickly if they don't. Perhaps when he comes back you could talk to him about the business things they talked about in an open way, giving him all the options he has for this new business (or maybe you already have discussed it with him).

I can understand the do-over part.  My mom was doing this with her grandkids, and although they're much younger, she was repeating patterns from the past - picking one of each set of two as her favorite and attempting to enmesh them.

I don't know if it matters if she actually helps or not, you mom might take credit for making him successful anyway.

Of course you're protective, you're his mom. But he's an adult, you can support him as much as possible, and as much as it hurts, if he makes a mistake all you can do is be there and help him pick up the pieces. It seems many in your family have wised up to your mom, hopefully he will too.  And thankfully him owning a house will make it much more difficult to just up and move like if he were just renting an apartment.

I feel for you.  That has to be hard.  I do not look forward to the day my mom tries to sneak into my son's life behind my back - I know it's only a matter of time.  But just trust that you raised healthy kids and that they will be able to handle themselves. 

[Legacymaker]

Can you hear me screaming! ARGH!

My mother is now flooding my middle childs fb!  This is the child she always paints black.

He is 24.  For the past 36 hours, he has been on a countdown about a big surprise. It turned out he was excited to take a new female friend on a date. (He's kept the relationship very private). He finally announced tonight that they were going on their first date!  That's when my mother lit his newsfeed up!  She was commenting to "remember how much fun they had, had when he was little and how he should keep that in mind as he is on his date." (Ugh, excuse me mother, I don't think that is exactly what is on his mind this evening). Then she reminded him to call his Grandmother because she misses hearing from him.

This is the same child who nearly left his family home on Christmas night, because she had tormented him so much throughout the day that he was in tears.

To top my night off, my oldest son broke up with his girlfriend on Sunday.  Today my mom is also being super chummy and over the top with his ex on fb!

(See my earlier post about the behavior she is also currently showing with my oldest child)

I know all of this is a form of acting out, trying to get me to call her or confront her behavior. Trying to get me to change back to the way I use to be. (I'm still mostly NC since Christmas).

So here I am tonight; trying to release my frustrations and inner turmoil, trying to let my kids handle themselves and form their own opinions, trying not to "fix/control" everything, trying so desperately to maintain NC for a little while longer because it has been so peaceful in this space inside my head.