And now he comes with confessions?

[Kifazes]

Hi all,


I told you guys before that we were done, and that I was disconnected emotionally and physically.

That's still the case :-) But last night, he came with a bunch of confessions, and I was shocked, almost couldn't grasp how he could be so 'real' (if that was what it was).

He came to me and asked if we could talk. I reinforced my boundaries by saying that I'm more than willing to talk, but whenever the situation would escalate, I'd remove myself from the room. He was fine with that, even said he understood why I would do that.

Then he begain talking... .

Saying he understands why I do not want to marry him, cause he knows he'll probably change his mind about that during the engagement, said he understood that that wasn't the way to go. He talked about the fact that I didn't want to have a kids together, and that he knew he would be the worst person during the pregnancy, wanting the baby - not wanting the baby - wanting the baby - not wanting the baby. He said that he wouldn't even be able to pick a name for the kid, and stick with it. And if he let me choose the name, he'd probably hate me for it in the end because he wouldn't like that name anymore. He was talking about how hard it must have been for me, not being able to have a safe home, security in the future, living day by day. Telling me it wasn't fair on me, putting all his issues on top of mine, whilest never being there for me, and actually making me feel worse by treating me like ___. He found that I deserve so much more.

He said that he should probably talk about it with a T, but didn't feel like it, and probably never will. So he said that it was my every right to leave, since he was not willing to work on himself and that he would love to promise me that all those things above were in the past and wouldn't occur anymore, but that he knew he would telling me lies when he would promise me that. Cause he knows he'll do them again to me.

Told me he would pack his bags and would stay at his parents house most of the time. Until his mom will fall back on her traits she shows.

I thanked him for being honest, and that I was glad we could have a conversations. Told him that if he wanted to go live with his parents is ok for me, but told him that if things were getting worse over there, he'd always be welcome to stay here for the next two years, since we're paying both for the loan I only think that's fair of me.

I was amazed with how well he saw through his own motives!

None of this has pulled me back in though... . Like he said on his own: nothing will ever change. But this talk was nice for once. I felt like I was talking to an adult for the first time in our lives together.

[heartandwhole]

Kifazes,

It sure is nice to have those conversations, isn't it?  I had some like it with pwBPD, too.  As humans we need to feel connected and understood, so I'm glad that you had a moment like that with your ex-partner.

Does it help you have some closure and confidence in your decision?

[Kifazes]

It was nice indeed, although I know he won't or can't keep up with it.

I was already over the fact that I needed closure. By reading on the board regularly, and experience telling me I'd probably never have closure, I got past that. Don't misunderstand me, it was nice to have this conversation. But I could have gone without this closure :-)

[growing_wings]

It was nice indeed, although I know he won't or can't keep up with it.

I was already over the fact that I needed closure. By reading on the board regularly, and experience telling me I'd probably never have closure, I got past that. Don't misunderstand me, it was nice to have this conversation. But I could have gone without this closure :-)

Hi Kifazes...

is great to read you are very determined!.

Living with him for 2 years will have its challenges. Wish you well 

[fromheeltoheal]

My take is that he wasn't triggered; mine could sound pretty darn lucid during non-triggered times, although I always got the sense she was reciting what she heard somewhere, some romantic comedy maybe, and if I tried to have a deeper conversation about something she would get defensive or rage, there wasn't any more there.  There's also the possibility that he was telling you what you wanted to hear to try and affect an attachment, or reestablish the old one.  You sound strong and mention none of it pulled you back, which is good, I do think that living with him won't be rosy though.

[Kifazes]

Thank you guys for your replies!

I know that the upcoming 2 years will be rough at times, and surely will have its ups and downs. But I'm not willing to get in dept because of him. I rather stick it out, so I can make a clean fresh start :-)

Mine would be triggered at almost every occasion we would try and talk. And ofcourse, there is the chance that he was saying this because he thought I wanted to here that. Or to pull me back in.

But I've made up my mind: this is no way to live. And he'll just have to deal with that.

At this time (I can predict the future) everything is going smoothly, and there were no rages for 4 days. Which is very peacefull for me :-)

[Tausk]

Thank you guys for your replies!

I know that the upcoming 2 years will be rough at times, and surely will have its ups and downs. But I'm not willing to get in dept because of him. I rather stick it out, so I can make a clean fresh start :-)

Mine would be triggered at almost every occasion we would try and talk. And ofcourse, there is the chance that he was saying this because he thought I wanted to here that. Or to pull me back in.

But I've made up my mind: this is no way to live. And he'll just have to deal with that.

At this time (I can predict the future) everything is going smoothly, and there were no rages for 4 days. Which is very peacefull for me :-)

I'm glad that you understand that this might be an attempt to reengage you.  My ex did this many times after I left.  She would apologize (sort of) and say that she wanted to respect my boundaries, wanted to change, ... . And she honestly did want all those things.  Her intent was real.  And I got lured back only to be left in much worse shape than if I had never ever seen her again.

It's not that she was being sociopathic.  She wanted all the things she said, as the Disorder, forced her to act in a manner that might stop the abandonment.  But the Disorder also in the next breathe wanted to be free of the fear of abandonment, so she had to cultivate more men.

As 2010 said in an earlier post, once the partner leaves, the pwBPD will never really trust them again, and the Disorder will only cycle.  

You know the consequences. Move toward the light.  Move toward recovery.  Move toward living the live that you deserve.

I just read a thing on the web... . 37 thing dying people regret.  

#3.   Staying in a bad relationship too long.  

Leaving and trying to never look back other than to learn has been the best thing I've done in my time with my ex wBPD.