DD stormed out of here the other day. Enjoying some peace

[peaceplease]

A few days ago, my dd stormed out of here, and I am so enjoying the peace. She has been so obnoxious. She was coming here everyday, as she uses wifi.  She has no internet at home. 

Soo, what caused her to storm out of here.  I discovered that she took $20 out of my wallet.  If she was not here, I would have probably let it go.  I know that accusing her will never get her to admit it.

I was angry with her, anyways, due to her tone with my mother.  She was demeaning to my mother, and talking to her like she was a child  It is my mother's home! My mother and I were both at point that we wanted her gone.

One day, last week, my dh suspected that my dd took my debit card.  I checked the bank, and sure enough, the amount of two packs of cigs was debited from my account.   He said that he went to grab my little wallet out of my coat pocket.  And, he saw my card was loose.  He told me that he had it tucked in the wallet.  So, we confirmed the suspicions, but I told him that we had no proof, so let it go.  We would be more careful.

I know for a fact that I had a twenty dollar bill in my wallet.  I just came back from drugstore, and I remembered taking it out of my pants pocket and placing in my wallet.  I went nowhere else.  And, nobody else could have taken it. 

I realized that I left my purse alone on table.  I checked my wallet and it was gone.  I told her that I knew she took it.  Of curse, she denied it, and said that I lose things all the time.  I do misplace my debit card a lot.  So true, and gives her so much reason to steal and blame my careless and forgetfulness. 

She was yelling that she is sick of being accused every time something is missing.  She threw her laptop on the floor and stormed out of here.  I was baffled why she would do that, as she could have broken it.  Was it that she was trying to impress on me that she was mad at being accused of something she didn't do.  I never questioned that she took it.  I know that she must have taken it.  I have no proof.  I always tell my dh that if we cant prove it, then why bother mentioning it.  she will only deny. 

I reacted in emotional mind.  However, I am enjoying the end result.    I have to question why she does these things.  She has stolen from me numerous times.  She will always deny it, unless I can prove it.  The one time, I told her to give me my card.  I saw her walking back from store... Had I not seen her, she would have denied it.  I wonder if she dissociates herself from taking it.  It is so bizarre, that she turns it around like she is being falsely accused.   It is just so crazy!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[yogablue]

I am so sorry to hear what you're going through peaceplease, it's like your dd lives in a parallel universe, denying and blaming you.  The old patterns.  Doesn't make them less frustrating though.  I can just feel your relief that she's left the house.  They cause so much havoc and destruction that it feel so much better when they are away from you.  Sad but true.

Hugs

yogablue

[crumblingdad]

Hard to say why our borderline kids do what they do but in my experience it feels like it usually revolves around guilt and shame.

 She threw her laptop on the floor and stormed out of here.  I was baffled why she would do that, as she could have broken it.  Was it that she was trying to impress on me that she was mad at being accused of something she didn't do.  

I wonder if it could be an inability to regulate emotions and self loathing that she messed up?

Either way its good that you had a boundary and set it then followed thru and having some peace and quiet to yourself is something you shouldn't feel guilty about.  I know I felt horrible guilt at the peace and quiet and ability to finally relax I felt when our dd went to RTC but in time it was so helpful to spend that time learning skills to better communicate with her now and understand her.  We all need breaks from time to time and it's a nice reset and opportunity to do things for yourself.

[jellibeans]

if you dd is anything like my dd she will hang on to her lie way after it has been proven that she is not telling the truth... . I have had countless times of confronting her and she will lie very easily straight to my face. I think this goes back to never taking responsibility and blaming others. They can not accept fault in themselves.

I think it is best to have proof before confronting them and I make sure my purse is away and hid. Some of the lying is just not worth the aurgement so I try and focus on the big ones. I think the trap you need to try and aviod is the circling aurgement of "yes you did, no I didn't" I would simply state the truth as you know it and aviod the aurgement. If I felt very strongly about it I might of called the police... . seems she is really crossing the line with taking debt cards etc... .

[peaceplease]

if you dd is anything like my dd she will hang on to her lie way after it has been proven that she is not telling the truth... . I have had countless times of confronting her and she will lie very easily straight to my face. I think this goes back to never taking responsibility and blaming others. They can not accept fault in themselves.



I think it is best to have proof before confronting them and I make sure my purse is away and hid. Some of the lying is just not worth the aurgement so I try and focus on the big ones. I think the trap you need to try and aviod is the circling aurgement of "yes you did, no I didn't" I would simply state the truth as you know it and aviod the aurgement. If I felt very strongly about it I might of called the police... . seems she is really crossing the line with taking debt cards etc... .

I agree.  There have been numerous times that she has helped herself around here.(cash, winning lottery tickets, jewelry)  I normally get angry with myself for getting careless.  

I know better not to confront her, but I acted in emotional mind.  I was already upset with her and walking on eggshells . This is my mother's home and I did  not like the way she was interacting with my mother.  My mother has dementia, and my daughter gets frustrated when she asks the same questions repeatedly.  I tell my dd that she does not remember, and not to make her feel bad about reminding.  I tell her to answer like it is the first time she asked.  It is true that my mom has some annoying habits, but my dd is so rude to her.  I think that my dd is jealous of time spent with my mother, and it is time I can't spend with her.  

And, with all that I said, my dd can be such a "mother Teresa".  She helps old people with groceries, will unload them and bring back carts.  She can be such a sweet heart.  She is very sympathetic at times.  And, there are a "few" times that she is actually sweet to my mother.  My dd has no patience and does not understand  "dementia".  I have explained to her, and asked het to read a book I have.

It is a shame that I always have to hide money, debit card.  And, I always do, but sometimes, I will forget and get careless.  It seems like she has a radar or those times.

Oh well, it is what it is.  And, I am loving my peace.  

[Eclaire5]

I am glad you are enjoying some peace now. We all need that at least for a little while because taking care of our children can be so overwhelming. My husband and I have decided to put a lock in our closet for me to hide my jewelry and some other valuables because we don’t want to run the risk. I totally agree with jellibeans, when they are confronted they cannot take responsibility for their actions and automatically deny any wrongdoing. So, for the most part, it’s better to not even confront them because it does not go anywhere.  It’s so frustrating because we do not really understand how their minds work (since they operate at a very different level) and we often want to see their mechanisms based on how ours operate. I usually tell myself that getting our DD21 to understand some things, it would be like expecting a 4th grader to solve a calculus equation. So frustrating!

[theplotthickens]

Sounds like my house!  Mine also steals bizarre items like measuring spoons.  When items are missing, I have decided they are hers and I charge her for replacements.  It drives me crazy to never have measuring spoons, cash, forks, scissors, mascara, etc when I need them.  And the lies and accusations that fly when I just want my items back!

The stealing irks me, but then again I am so used to it!  It is sad when nothing surprises us.  I actually blame myself for leaving something out - how messed up is that.