I have this feeling things are not going well for dd

[jellibeans]

I received an email from her english teacher telling me of all the classes she has missed. It has been a lot and for some reason it has not showed up on her attendance when I check. I think she has been able to fool her teachers and she tells them they are going to the nurse or counselor.

Last week I was out of town and it always seems to happen that something goes wrong. My dd16 called me to tell me her roommate from residential shot herself and died. The girl turned 18 and signed herself out of RTC and went home and shot herself within the first few days of release. Sad story for sure and my dd was very upset but I also feel it triggered her and she is now not doing well.

I am going to confront her when she gets home about her missed school... .I am thinking I need to take her car away for a week until I can get some garantee that she will not miss school anymore... .just looking for input and how else I could deal with this because I know she is not well. I believe when she has her car she just leaves school but without a car it will make it harder.

I feel her consequences should be to lose the car... .if she wants to continue to miss school all I can do is tell the school and they need to correct this in someway by giving her detention etc... .I just get this feeling in my stomach that it is not going to go well... .any advise would be appreciated... .I feel a bit paralyzed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

aww jellibeans, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.  You definitely have the skills and know the words to use to keep the situation from getting out of control.  First find out why she is skipping.  I would also contact the guidance counselor and have him/her ask other teachers how much she is missing. I think it would be a good idea to have full knowledge before any confrontation.  Otherwise it will be dragged out over time and make things worse for everyone.  It's not a bad idea to take her car.  She knows that her car usage is tied to her grades.  Good luck!

[theplotthickens]

I have found it is best to delay consequences if they are not doing well.  Let her process the roommate's death first-hand is HUGE.  Attendance issues can wait.  That is my thought, anyway.  I am sorry your daughter is having this added to her plate... .which adds to YOUR plate as a caregiver! 

[jellibeans]

All is well... .there was no showdown but then again there were no consequences. I have contacted all her teachers and asked that they contact me if she leaves their class for any reason. I have asked her school counselor to contact me if she visit her at any time and to notify her teachers if DD comes to see her. I just need to talk with the nurse tomorrow and close that loophole.

I went to the school today and found my dd in the car with a friend... .I found out later she had left her last class early to go to nurse and was late getting to her next class because she told her teacher she was at the nurse... .I think my dd likes an hour lunch and has found a way to make it so. so sneaky but very typical.

I bought her flowers today and put them in her room... .she was happy I thought of her... .I hope to overwhelm her with kindness for the next few days while at the same time telling her that her teachers will be contacting me if she misses any more classes... .this should be interesting... .a little experiment.

[peaceplease]

jellibeans,

Your dd must be devastated over the death of roommate from RTC.  How did your dd find out the news of her former roommate's suicide?

It sounds like you have a good handle on all matters.  I can understand your concern about your dd.  It is scary when something like this happens.

What about grief counseling for your dd? 

[jellibeans]

I emailed her therapist but of course I have not heard back... .I will text her and I might get a quicker response. She is struggling with this girls death and I am not sure how to help her. Tonight she talked about changing schools... .yet another school she is not happy with... .I told I would look into it tomorrow. This has really derailed my dd and she is sad and crying  a lot but I am not sure what I can really do but I will check into a new school tomorrow that only has morning classes. I told her not to get her hopes up but that I would try. There are only three months left of school and it would make more sense to just wait until next year... .but that is hard for my dd to hear.

As far as I know the girls mother called her... .I am not sure that is the truth but someone has told her all of this. I just have a hard time blieving a mother would call my daughter while she was at school to tell her that her daughter was dead... .something doesn't ring true but that is the least of my concerns right now.

I will talk to therapist about grief counseling and see. thanks

[crumblingdad]

Sorry for this setback.  Thinking of you and your dd.

Glad you're following up to be sure she's attending school.

I'm  confused as you said it seems odd that the mother would call your daughter - Just curious have you been able to confirm this girls death?

I remember a similar meltdown with my dd where a friend of hers went to jail and someone spoke to his mom who was upset and said "they took my son."  Turns out it  meant the police to jail but this person took it as death. For about 24-48 hours social media ran with the false belief he had overdosed.  My dd had a major meltdown from it then found out it was all untrue.

[lever.]

I always think that adolescents can make up for missed educational opportunities later if they can achieve some stability with their mental health.  Although setting limits with school attendance is important the emotional aspect is even more important. From what you have written in other posts I am sure you will see it that way. I think listening to what is going on for her and validating her feelings is the first step.

If you then find that having the car is facilitating her missing lessons restricting its use until things improve would be a natural and logical consequence.

[jellibeans]

crumblingdad - you are right about this story is has changed again to that another girl that was at the RTC some how got the journal of the roommate that killed herself and called everyone in the book... .I have looked for hours to try and find a mention of this girl's death and I just can't find anything yet... .I will try again today now that I have been given more details... .I just am not sure this info is correct.

Lever- I have not taken her car as I was planning to... .I am trying a new approach and I think it is best given her emotional state right now. She has been crying a lot and I really do feel badly for her. She is a very sensitive girl and I think she feels somewhat responsible in some way.

Thanks for your advise... .I am hoping to get through this week and hope she improves as it goes by.

[theplotthickens]

I was wondering how the week went?  How is everything going?

Does your dd know what she plans to do after high school? Does she have a passion for something?  I am wondering if she found a reason within herself to go to school and improve her grades.  Also, if she is seeing some negative consequences from the teacher for cutting class, such as points lost, would that motivate her?  Some kids are motivated by points and grades and some aren't, but just throwing it out there.

Also wondering about taking her to visit college or technical school campuses.  Would that gently shift her attention at all?

Perhaps if she keeps cutting class, you could offer to "help" by homeschooling her the remainder of the year so that she would not get side-tracked by a busy school environment.  Maybe that would get her back to class in a hurry, LOL!

[jellibeans]

Dear theplotthickens

Thank you for checking in on me... .I am really luck to find such a caring place and people who have their hands full still reach out to support me here... .it has helped me so many times.

My dd16 managed to go to school all week but did go to the counselor on Monday because she says she is still struggling with the death of her friend... .now I know she is sad about this but I also know she had a history test Monday that she didn't study for and I do beleive she went to the counselor so she could sit and study before her test. My dd lies a lot... .like really a lot so it is hard to know what the truth is.

She finsihed the week well and I did reminder that I would know if she was skipping school and that if she wants her car she will make an effort to attend. School has always been stressful for her. I did go and visit an alternative High School and have made out an application for next year. My dd wanted to start right now which is just not possible. I will let her change schools again if that is what she wants but she needs to finish this year out. She has also summited paperwork for next year for the school she is going to now so she can decide in the summer what she wants to do.

Unfortunately my dd really has no interests... .she is in a class at school that prepares them for college and they often take trips to different school. My dd never goes on these trips. I am signing her up of a community college this summer to take one class. I hope that will help her see what life can be like. I have sent her to see her sister at college to spend the weekend so she could see the college life so I am trying to get her motivated but it really needs to come from her. I really can't push too hard. For now my focus is getting her through high school. I have to take things in small portions and so does she.

I am afriad I could never homeschool her... .I would really just lose my mind if I had to spend all day with her... .the only peace I get is when she is at school and even then there is drama. If she stayed home she would sleep the day away and not do her work.

Her motivation for getting good grades is access to her car the the ability to drive so she is passing everything but with minimal effort. She is trying to cheat her way through school but it always catches up with her come test day. This summer we will discuss more options for school... .technical college or beauty school... .we will support her any way we can but if she decides to stop school after high school that is her decision. I won't push for anything else but she will be on her own then. No financial support from us.

I hope you had a good week too... Mondays are my favorite day... .that is when I get the house to myself! My day to recover.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders