Feeling bad=illusion of unconditional love

[Allmessedup]

I normally post on the leaving board.

This morning I posted there about how I had suffered a huge case of the what ifs yesterday.

Seeking balance brought up a good point and suggested I dig deeper into this over here.

I realized that there is a strong correlation to me not feeling well when I have the worst of my days.

In looking at my relationship with my ex as well as my relationship with my mother I realize that the only time I was treated well was when I was sick.

Even as an adult my mother would want to take care of me if I am not feeling well.

So feeling bad = the illusion of unconditional love for me

Which is interesting... . but I am struggling to figure out why... .

Is it because when I am sick I allow myself to accept that love... . or perhaps even feel I deserve it?

Is it because it is what I would do for anyone else?

Is it because when I am sick I stop care taking long enough to let someone else focus on me... . or that I actually take the time to focus on me then?

I am hugely codependent.  I am a nurse and have huge compassion for those that are sick. 

I don't know if it is any or all of these things or something deeper than that.

What triggers me so much when I am sick.  Is it that then I am at my most vulnerable?

Any thoughts, advice or insight would be hugely appreciated!

[seeking balance]

Is it because when I am sick I allow myself to accept that love... . or perhaps even feel I deserve it?

Is it because it is what I would do for anyone else?

Is it because when I am sick I stop care taking long enough to let someone else focus on me... . or that I actually take the time to focus on me then?

You ask good questions:   Maybe you should answer these questions - they are your feelings 

Remember there is no right or wrong, simply is this sometimes true for you.

[janey62]

Hi Allmessedup,

Your post made me think.  I was just about to start a new thread of my own along similar lines! 

I woke in the night last night feeling hot then cold with sore throat and aching glands and couldn't get back to sleep.  I'm thinking of taking a day off work and staying in bed and I feel incredibly guilty and vulnerable all at the same time.

My mother also was good at caring for me when I was ill.  She was a nurse and it always felt as if she was competent and kind in a no nonsense kind of way when she would look after me. 

She would take my temperature and feed me with mashed potato and poached egg... .

I felt safe.  Often it was the only time I felt safe.

My ex would look after me really well too when I was ill.  I had tonsillitis really badly and he was there all the time, bringing me drinks and cuddling me. 

Perhaps you're right about the unconditional love and feeling bad being so closely connected.  I'm on my own here and have nobody to look after me and that feels awful.

I feel scared and teary and lost.  There isn't really anyone I could call either since I moved away from friends and family to be with exbfwBPD so I'm screwed really.  If I was really ill I cold go to a hospital and would get the medical care, but I am sat here now with all my demons in the room with me!

I was thinking about this, watching myself feeling raw and scared and wondering, trying to work out, why do I feel so scared?

I've had this unnamed fear for a very long time, since I was a kid really.  I know it is the thing I need to work out, it's the thing which holds me back and which stops me from having a healthy relationship.

I've had Chronic Fatigue for years, around 10 years, and I believe its the thing which stops me getting well.  So what is it about?

I want to say fear of annihilation... . it's right there, but I don't know what that really means. 

I lost my father when I was 3, he left.  Once when I was having dinner with him as an adult I asked him what I was like at age 3 and he said, 'you were my little girl'.  When he said that it felt like an answer to a lot of things.  I was daddy's little girl, I adored and loved and trusted him and he left.  He left because of my mother, but I was devastated.

I think the fear is maybe of never finding that again, that safe warm loving place. 

Lots to think about and figure out.

Sorry Allmessedup that I wasn't able to help with your questions.  What you said brought up a lot of questions of my own.

I don't know if you relate to any of them?

[Allmessedup]

i relate to all of it janey.

my dad walked out because of my mother too.  i was 12 but still... . i adored him. and i think you might be on to something actually.

i try so hard because i dont want anyone else to leave... .   i have issues believing i am good enough just by being me.  i am working on it but its so hard!

i am sorry you are sick.  it is the hardest for me when I am ill.  I have found great solace in these boards though.  Especially when I am sick.  and one positive thing that sick does is makes me stop long enough to take the time to think... probably too much though!

i isolated myself from my friends and family for my ex as well... . so i feel incredibly lonely a lot.  I have kids and that helps but it is not the same...   I have been trying to get out and reconnnect and make new friends... . but that too is hard

all of this is so hard!  but know that you are not alone!