A bit confused now...

[JMS]

So over the last several days, I've learned a few things.

I've found that I pick up on my wife's anxiety and over the last week, I guess it was almost like it was amplified.

When she settles down, I settle down.  I had noticed it a bit before, i.e., when we were in the car or house and she was simmering, I could feel it and it amped me up.  

I finally realized that it was why I was getting so angry so fast during our fights, I would pick up on her agitation and it would get my blood pressure up, she would say something in the right tone of voice and I would go off.

After I figured that out and started making a conscious effort to not let myself get fired up, it helped.

This past week, if she was just uncomfortable, it would come across in the way she was and I picked up on it big time.  I just got the best sleep that I've had in the past week

To what I'm confused about.

Last week, my wife admitted that she has an anger problem (finally), but even though she admitted to that, she says she can't control it, when I say she can, she says she doesn't want to.

Her answer is that I shouldn't make her angry in the first place.

Regarding me being jealous, after talking with my wife this weekend, she said that she didn't think I was serious, that's why she was acting the way she was.  

I asked her about deleting the texts, she gave me an excuse for why, but it wasn't quite accurate (she told me she deleted everything, but she only deleted certain ones), but I took a look at her old phone and she had deleted most of her old texts on that one, not just co-workers, but mine, other friends, etc., so she has been basically cleaning out her inbox.  

So a lot of miscommunication this past week (and over the years).

The fights, her response to me last week, the way she handles getting anxious, I could go on and on, it's like dealing with a child.

Lack of self control or what I think most people would agree are inappropriate ways of responding to situations or people (Saying "Boo hoo hoo, such a sissy la la" because I had cried the day before about our son and the the stress I was going through over her).

But, when she's pushed me too far, she will finally admit that what she was doing was wrong and she didn't want to hurt me, but she has no explanation for why she did it or why she didn't stop before then.

Of course, I don't know if she's not just blowing smoke up my rear end.

I guess I'm kind of answering myself as I write this.

She still has all the traits, but it's like at times she actually recognizes that what she does is wrong and has some remorse for it.

I guess that makes me second guess myself about whether she has NPD.

Then, I remember that she's done it repeatedly and she flat out admits that she has no intention of doing anything about it.

The good news is that I don't think that she's cheating on me, I know that I got jealous (I've never gotten that jealous in years) and the way she responded put me on an emotional rocket.

She has actually been somewhat nonchalant about the whole thing, pretty much like she expects me to get over it and life will go on as if it never happened.  

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the thinking that I wasn't serious and just wanting to press on as if it didn't even happen just screams lack of empathy to me (I just want to make sure that I'm seeing things correctly).

Thanks for listening.

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[an0ught]

I guess I'm kind of answering myself as I write this.

Her answer is that I shouldn't make her angry in the first place.

Avoid invalidating her when you can but don't loose sleep over it if it happens. She has no right to be treated like a brittle porcelain figure and you have no right to step on her toes. There will be days she is too sensitive and is unjustifiable escalating and there will be moments when your boots are on her toes. This is called normal life and persistent validation and boundaries will allow you to move the handling of these situations over time to a process that works for both of you and leaves the mutual respect intact.

[bruceli]

So over the last several days, I've learned a few things.

I've found that I pick up on my wife's anxiety and over the last week, I guess it was almost like it was amplified.

When she settles down, I settle down.  I had noticed it a bit before, i.e., when we were in the car or house and she was simmering, I could feel it and it amped me up.  

I finally realized that it was why I was getting so angry so fast during our fights, I would pick up on her agitation and it would get my blood pressure up, she would say something in the right tone of voice and I would go off.

After I figured that out and started making a conscious effort to not let myself get fired up, it helped.

This past week, if she was just uncomfortable, it would come across in the way she was and I picked up on it big time.  I just got the best sleep that I've had in the past week

To what I'm confused about.

Last week, my wife admitted that she has an anger problem (finally), but even though she admitted to that, she says she can't control it, when I say she can, she says she doesn't want to.

Her answer is that I shouldn't make her angry in the first place.

Regarding me being jealous, after talking with my wife this weekend, she said that she didn't think I was serious, that's why she was acting the way she was.  

I asked her about deleting the texts, she gave me an excuse for why, but it wasn't quite accurate (she told me she deleted everything, but she only deleted certain ones), but I took a look at her old phone and she had deleted most of her old texts on that one, not just co-workers, but mine, other friends, etc., so she has been basically cleaning out her inbox.  

So a lot of miscommunication this past week (and over the years).

The fights, her response to me last week, the way she handles getting anxious, I could go on and on, it's like dealing with a child.

Lack of self control or what I think most people would agree are inappropriate ways of responding to situations or people (Saying "Boo hoo hoo, such a sissy la la" because I had cried the day before about our son and the the stress I was going through over her).

But, when she's pushed me too far, she will finally admit that what she was doing was wrong and she didn't want to hurt me, but she has no explanation for why she did it or why she didn't stop before then.

Of course, I don't know if she's not just blowing smoke up my rear end.

I guess I'm kind of answering myself as I write this.

She still has all the traits, but it's like at times she actually recognizes that what she does is wrong and has some remorse for it.

I guess that makes me second guess myself about whether she has NPD.

Then, I remember that she's done it repeatedly and she flat out admits that she has no intention of doing anything about it.

The good news is that I don't think that she's cheating on me, I know that I got jealous (I've never gotten that jealous in years) and the way she responded put me on an emotional rocket.

She has actually been somewhat nonchalant about the whole thing, pretty much like she expects me to get over it and life will go on as if it never happened.  

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the thinking that I wasn't serious and just wanting to press on as if it didn't even happen just screams lack of empathy to me (I just want to make sure that I'm seeing things correctly).

Thanks for listening.

Sounds like we are with the same person however, my pwpd is actively seeking therapy at this time except I believe it is to show me how I am the one who needs help because I have been setting boundries lately.  Just yesterday after a heated Wednesday night, she texts me Thursday morning saying that it is OK for me to get angry with her... . "it's allowed" she tells me.  As I have said in the past... . the only way to win the game is not to play.