Another part of her twisted game?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220496.0

Hi!

The link above will give you a bit of background on my current situation and how I think my ex has BPD traits, coupled with other confirmed mental illness.

Anyway, I've not contacted her for a week or so, the only contact we've had has been in regards to our child. Now early on in the break up, there was the talk of possible mediation, to come up with an agreement in regards to when I see our child. This wasn't needed, we have a good arrangement which suits both parties, in terms of work and things.

Now, after having N/C or very very limited contact, I receive a call from a local mediation service, inviting me to partake in a session to agree child care arrangements. I asked when my ex had requested the mediation service (on the off chance that she may have contacted weeks ago - when the break up was raw). She contacted them today.

What is this? This has left me VERY confused. I was quite angry too as I have done really well to not contact her and really start to feel better about myself!

[BookFace]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220496.0

Hi!

The link above will give you a bit of background on my current situation and how I think my ex has BPD traits, coupled with other confirmed mental illness.

Anyway, I've not contacted her for a week or so, the only contact we've had has been in regards to our child. Now early on in the break up, there was the talk of possible mediation, to come up with an agreement in regards to when I see our child. This wasn't needed, we have a good arrangement which suits both parties, in terms of work and things.

Now, after having N/C or very very limited contact, I receive a call from a local mediation service, inviting me to partake in a session to agree child care arrangements. I asked when my ex had requested the mediation service (on the off chance that she may have contacted weeks ago - when the break up was raw). She contacted them today.

What is this? This has left me VERY confused. I was quite angry too as I have done really well to not contact her and really start to feel better about myself!

[maxen]

hi BookFace and  

i saw your post on the intro board and i'm happy that you've begun exchanging with other posters here. this is a strong support community. can i also suggest that you have a look at the Family law, divorce and custody board. there are posters there who have had to face many mediation questions and will be able to give you advice from another perspective.

keep posting BookFace! (great screenname - sounds like a Dick Tracy character!)

[questioncentral]

Hi BookFace

I can't say which is the right or wrong approach to this. I'm new here too and only learning about BPD and PA.

I can say that I wish I'd have listened to my lawyer and the counsellor I had when I left my ex - when they recommended mediation. If I could turn back the clock, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. It may have changed all that's happened since then.

I thought I knew my exH, I thought we'd be able to work it out on our own to find a shared custody arrangement, and I thought our children would be able to make up their own minds. Wrong on all of it. Every possible accusation has been made against me, every possible form of maliciousness he has done - and no professionals to help shield the kids from him. I wish I could turn back the clock, because the first thing I'd have done was bring in the mediator.

Your daughter is a baby, that's a long stretch of years to have to try to deal with an ex that might have BPD. PA, at it's worst, is the most painful, heartbreaking thing for both the children and the alienated parent. It's hell on earth tbh. Once it starts, once it progresses the damage can't be undone and it's very hard to reverse.

So, it may be best to let in the people who know how to help - welcome them with open arms and work with them in every possible way. It may not always go your way, it may not always work out to be 100 % the way you want it to be - but it is a buffer, it is protection for you and daughter. It is someone on the outside to turn to, to talk to and to lean on for support. And, working with them may save you a lot of grief through the yrs of trying to work with your ex, especially if she does have BPD.

Best of luck

[BookFace]

It's a strange situation as we have a good plan in place for our child, she just says she cannot trust me to stick to it - which I know I absolutely will.

We talked on the phone for nearly an hour because of it and mainly about her blaming me for the relationship break down! This makes me think it could possibly have been for her to gain some attention.

[Nope]

It's a strange situation as we have a good plan in place for our child, she just says she cannot trust me to stick to it - which I know I absolutely will.

We talked on the phone for nearly an hour because of it and mainly about her blaming me for the relationship break down! Thits makes me think it could possibly have been for her to gain some attention.

Mediation is a great idea. A pwBPD will often do a lot of projection. What that means is that when she says she can't trust you to stick to it what she really means is that you can't trust her to stick to it. Don't see this as an attention getting ploy (though it very well may be that also) see it as a warning. She will fight just to fight so the sooner you get things in writing the better. Do it now, while she's at least willing to talk. Later if/when she decides to pull the rug out from under you and deny visitation will be too late.