Radical Acceptance & Closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

HI Leaving Board,

Randi Kregar (SWOE) has a topic on the staying board that I thought could really help with the closure struggle we have all had at times on the leaving board.

Marsha Linehan (DBT & BPD expert) is the original author of this.

 

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

Can you think of any really serious problems, really serious pain, serious traumas, things that make you really unhappy that you can't change? Maybe you've had a child who's died. People who have had a child who's died never get over it. Maybe you have a permanent disability.

What are your options?  You can be miserable or you can accept the reality that you've got it.  Maybe you've had a really painful childhood.  You know, a lot of people have to live with that; you just have to live with the fact that those happy childhoods you see on tv aren't in your life and there's nothing you can do about it.  Maybe you didn't get a job that you really wanted - there's nothing you can do about it.

These are just not the kind of things you can start being happy about. So what are your options?  You can either be miserable or you can figure out a way to accept the reality of your own life.

So what's Radical Acceptance?  What do I mean by the word 'radical'?  Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete.  

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is.  

The problem is, telling you what it is and telling you how to do it are two different things.  Radical acceptance can't really be completely explained. Why not? Because it's something that is interior - it's something that goes on inside yourself.  But all of us have experienced radical acceptance so what I want you to do right now is to try to focus in on sometime in your life when you've actually accepted something, radically - completely and totally.

So let's think about it. When might that be?  Well, think back in your own life to either something you've lost, perhaps someone you've loved has died, or something that you really wanted that you didn't get - a job you really wanted and you didn't get it.

Think about something you wanted that you either didn't get or something that you had that you've lost.  Now, sit back, close your eyes and go back in time to right before you found out that you've lost what you had or right before you've found out that you weren't going to get what you wanted. Imagine that again.  Kind of go back there. And then go through that period were you weren't accepting it, and then move to imagining when you did accept it.  So kind of like, relive that.

Most people can find some place in their life where that's happened to them and where they've accepted it, and that's what I mean by radical acceptance.

I'm guessing some of you tried that exercise and you just couldn't think of any time when you've accepted something. So you couldn't imagine what it felt like cause you couldn't even remember a time when you have done it. Don't worry about it.  Just try it another time - maybe after the program, today, tomorrow, or some other day. Just see if you can go back to a time when you've accepted.

But for the moment, let me tell you what it might feel like.  Often when you've accepted you have this sense of letting go of the struggle.  It's just like you've been struggling and now you're not.  Sometimes, if you have accepted, you just have this sense of being centered, like you feel centered inside yourself somehow.

You may have a lot of sadness. Acceptance often goes with a lot of sadness actually, but even though you've got sadness, there's a feeling like a burden's lifted. Usually if you've accepted, you feel, well, ready to move on with your life. Sort of feel free, ready to move. So that's what it feels like.  

Let's keep going.  Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance. So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering. Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

What are you struggling to accept?

That you fell for a mentally ill person?

That love for you was different than for them?

That you mattered?

That it is really over?

That you cannot go back now because of the information you have?

That you are powerless?

Something else completely?

[seeking balance]

HI Leaving Board,

Randi Kregar (SWOE) has a topic on the staying board that I thought could really help with the closure struggle we have all had at times on the leaving board.

Marsha Linehan (DBT & BPD expert) is the original author of this.

 

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

Can you think of any really serious problems, really serious pain, serious traumas, things that make you really unhappy that you can't change? Maybe you've had a child who's died. People who have had a child who's died never get over it. Maybe you have a permanent disability.

What are your options?  You can be miserable or you can accept the reality that you've got it.  Maybe you've had a really painful childhood.  You know, a lot of people have to live with that; you just have to live with the fact that those happy childhoods you see on tv aren't in your life and there's nothing you can do about it.  Maybe you didn't get a job that you really wanted - there's nothing you can do about it.

These are just not the kind of things you can start being happy about. So what are your options?  You can either be miserable or you can figure out a way to accept the reality of your own life.

So what's Radical Acceptance?  What do I mean by the word 'radical'?  Radical means complete and total.  It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body.  It's total and complete.  

When you've radically accepted something, you're not fighting it. It's when you stop fighting reality.  That's what radical acceptance is.  

The problem is, telling you what it is and telling you how to do it are two different things.  Radical acceptance can't really be completely explained. Why not? Because it's something that is interior - it's something that goes on inside yourself.  But all of us have experienced radical acceptance so what I want you to do right now is to try to focus in on sometime in your life when you've actually accepted something, radically - completely and totally.

So let's think about it. When might that be?  Well, think back in your own life to either something you've lost, perhaps someone you've loved has died, or something that you really wanted that you didn't get - a job you really wanted and you didn't get it.

Think about something you wanted that you either didn't get or something that you had that you've lost.  Now, sit back, close your eyes and go back in time to right before you found out that you've lost what you had or right before you've found out that you weren't going to get what you wanted. Imagine that again.  Kind of go back there. And then go through that period were you weren't accepting it, and then move to imagining when you did accept it.  So kind of like, relive that.

Most people can find some place in their life where that's happened to them and where they've accepted it, and that's what I mean by radical acceptance.

I'm guessing some of you tried that exercise and you just couldn't think of any time when you've accepted something. So you couldn't imagine what it felt like cause you couldn't even remember a time when you have done it. Don't worry about it.  Just try it another time - maybe after the program, today, tomorrow, or some other day. Just see if you can go back to a time when you've accepted.

But for the moment, let me tell you what it might feel like.  Often when you've accepted you have this sense of letting go of the struggle.  It's just like you've been struggling and now you're not.  Sometimes, if you have accepted, you just have this sense of being centered, like you feel centered inside yourself somehow.

You may have a lot of sadness. Acceptance often goes with a lot of sadness actually, but even though you've got sadness, there's a feeling like a burden's lifted. Usually if you've accepted, you feel, well, ready to move on with your life. Sort of feel free, ready to move. So that's what it feels like.  

Let's keep going.  Pain is pain. Suffering, agony, are pain plus non-acceptance. So if you take pain, add non-acceptance you end up with suffering. Radical acceptance transforms suffering into ordinary pain.

What are you struggling to accept?

That you fell for a mentally ill person?

That love for you was different than for them?

That you mattered?

That it is really over?

That you cannot go back now because of the information you have?

That you are powerless?

Something else completely?

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for this message.

It is what I needed to read today.   I have been wrestling with memories and ghosts and "what ifs" and "should haves" --

I open my heart to radical acceptance.  "Hanging on" has kept me stuck.  "Ruminating" has kept me stuck.  "Wishing it was different" has kept me stuck.  "Beating myself up" has kept me stuck.

This is the message I want to put into the universe right now:

1. I accept myself as is.

2. I accept others as they are.

3. I accept life as it is.

Now I open my heart and mind to the present.  And I breathe. 

[Tincup]

This is a fantastic post, thanks you for posting it.  I think this is exactly what I was looking for.  I think I have done everything except radical acceptance.  Thanks again, I hope this turns around how I process this.

[Rosehip]

Thank you for posting this.

Radical acceptance turns suffering into ordinary pain.

That is so powerful.

[growing_wings]

SB, thanks for this post.

I have not reached radical acceptance yet.

answering the question, What i am struggling to accept?

That i have to let go the person i promised i would support and help forever, no matter what.  I am struggling to accept that at the end of the day, i did abandon her (after i promised i wouldnt)

[seeking balance]

That i have to let go the person i promised i would support and help forever, no matter what.  I am struggling to accept that at the end of the day, i did abandon her (after i promised i wouldnt)

So, it sounds like one of your core values is to honor your word - ie a promise?

Reconciling my core value (marriage is forever) with the fact I got a divorce was a challenge for me too.  I had to look at why/what that core value really meant to me... . then I had to look at reality, it takes 2.

It takes 2 for a promise to be fulfilled - what part of the promise did your ex not honor?

[seeking balance]

This is the message I want to put into the universe right now:

1. I accept myself as is.

2. I accept others as they are.

3. I accept life as it is.

Now I open my heart and mind to the present.  And I breathe. 

 good stuff   

[Rosehip]

It is hard to accept that whilst we gave so much it was never enough.

I have to accept that I did the best I could. I tried really hard at great expense to my well being.

It's so sad that so many of us keep forgetting that it takes two to make a relationship work. That there is supposed to be mutual trust and support.

It's hard to accept that our partners are damaged people and that no matter what we did, we could never heal them or make them happy.

That we put up with so much pain in an effort to make them feel better.

That is the suffering. I really want to embrace the radical acceptance to be able to move on.

It will take work but it has to be worth doing. What is the alternative ?

[seeking balance]

It will take work but it has to be worth doing. What is the alternative ?

Bitter, jaded, angry - "party of 1, your table is ready" 

Grief is different than suffering - feeling sadness is a part of life.

Thanks for sharing Rosehip.

[growing_wings]

I have to accept that I did the best I could. I tried really hard at great expense to my well being.

Rosehip, thanks for sharing above.  that makes sense for me. I tried really hard, but i was getting lost and falling into the dark hole myself.

that makes me feel less guilty for "abandoning" her.

Radical acceptance... my destination  

[charred]

Good stuff... I am thinking a lot of acceptance is self discipline. Read that a lot of self esteem is self discipline. Basically that you have the will to force yourself to keep true to yourself. Mindfulness was hard as it took constant self discipline to stay firmly grounded in the present. Diets are hard, as they require the same kind of discipline. I can remember thinking I should just give up my false hope the BPD r/s would work... . and then feeling weak and seeking to rationalize how I must be mistaken somehow. Toward the end I was working hard to justify the unjustifiable.

Accepting the reality of the situation, and refusing to get wrapped up in the egoic (false self... coming from fear/dreams/unknown) BPD drama, but rather forcing myself to stay present in reality (mindfulness)... gave me the closure I didn't want... . because I really wanted my dream of the BPD r/s to work... but it couldn't, didn't and won't ever. That nightmarish dream served as an excuse for over 20 yrs for all sorts of evasions of reality.

Accepting things radically is the simple direct path to closure... . we don't get it from them, we give it to ourselves.

[growing_wings]

That i have to let go the person i promised i would support and help forever, no matter what.  I am struggling to accept that at the end of the day, i did abandon her (after i promised i wouldnt)

So, it sounds like one of your core values is to honor your word - ie a promise?

Reconciling my core value (marriage is forever) with the fact I got a divorce was a challenge for me too.  I had to look at why/what that core value really meant to me... . then I had to look at reality, it takes 2.

It takes 2 for a promise to be fulfilled - what part of the promise did your ex not honor?

SB, yes, one of my core values is honor my word.

mmmm good question. What part of the promise did my ex not honor?, a lot, but the biggest: she did lie a lot. a lot.  She abused the "trust"...

good point!

thanks SB good food for thought.

[seeking balance]

Accepting things radically is the simple direct path to closure... . we don't get it from them, we give it to ourselves.

Can I get an "amen" to that!

[NyGirl8]

I Love this thread!  Thanks all!  And thanks SB for sharing!  It is nice to think of suffering as something I have the power to end... .

[winston72]

SB, thank you for this thread. 

That line from Maya Angelou, Never make someone a priority when to them you are only an option" sums up the better part of why people are on this site.  Diagnosed or not, this describes one fundamental aspect of such a relationship.  Thanks, ShadowDancer.

Just so many good quotes on this thread. 

Amen!

[Landslide2014]

Thank you so much for the powerful thread. I'm struggling today and it is exactly the reassurance I needed to read.  I just sat completely absorbed in each comment as if my higher power was delivering it personally. It seems that I was convinced that I had it in the bag... . Radical Acceptance; and then a moment (actually more than a moment) of doubt threatens my confidence.  I am able to understand that I need to accept that my plan is not necessarily THE plan. I know that if I let go that my plan will unfold exactly as it is meant to be. Even though I know this, I still sometimes look down to see my fists clenched tightly. Practice. I need to believe, trust and continue to practice. Thank you.  I am so grateful for the topic and it's timing.

[Allmessedup]

Forgive me in advance for this very long post.

I was struck back to old memories when I contemplated the question of what I have ever had to radically accept.

For me it was my daughters congenital heart defects.

I expected a healthy beautiful baby.  I did not get the healthy part.  I was forced to let go of so many dreams by no fault of hers or mine.  I never got to hold her until she was 10 days old.  I never got to breast feed her.  I didn't get to nurse her in my bed.  My days were not filled with the wonderful but exhausting days of a new mom.  We didn't get to do the play dates.  Cards that came were not of congratulations but of sympathy and get well soon.

The days we should have spent cuddling and bonding in the privacy of our home were instead filled in with the noisy cubicles in the NICU with what seemed like a million wires and tubes separating us.  :)ecisions on what cute outfit to wear were replaced with decisions that no parent should have to face with outcomes that no parent should have to hear.  What should have been happy family visits instead were long endless tearful waits in surgical waiting rooms.

This was the loss of the fantasy that had been created in my head.  I was thrust into a world where I didn't want to be and had no idea how to navigate it.

But I had no choice.  I had to learn that world.  I had to accept it as my own journey.  And I raged, and I sobbed, I blamed, and I bargained and I was so incredibly lonely.

But I survived and so did she.

Those endless days are a memory to me now.  And in looking at the memory I see the important lessons it taught me.  Lessons that changed me in ways I can't even begin to explain. The strength I gained, the way i grew... .  Because I accepted.

This poem by Emily Perl Kingsley applies to raising a disabled child... . but I find that I can also apply it to my current circumstances as well to be honest... . so I thought I would share

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this... .

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?" you say. "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around... . and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills... . and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... . and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... . because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... . if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... . about Holland."



So for me... . I shall let go of my fantasy of Italy and work more on finding the hidden beauty of Holland

[Landslide2014]

What a beautiful concept. And truth. I will meet you in Holland and we'll do lunch.

[crazied_on]

this does help.  Im still stuck in the disbelief that my dream was merely a dream though.  That she didnt really "love" me.  That it was just the intensity of her internal "war" that she made me a part of.  Ive always questioned her love for me.  People DO NOT treat people they love like this. i will srive for radical acceptance.  I MUST!

[seeking balance]

These responses to this post have been so powerful - thank you all for sharing your strength, honesty and hope combined with resilience.

Crazied_on - Welcome to bpdfamily.com, you will be ok.

Landslide - can I join you and AMU in Holland for lunch?

AMU - simply, thank you for sharing YOU.

Winston & NYGirl - you are welcome, I appreciate you chiming in as well.  Sometimes (believe it or not) I wonder if the things I find powerful will translate - being validated feels good.