Restraining Order

[ts919]

I'm thinking of filing a RO - stbxuBPDw flipped out again last night; slammed a desk into me, slammed my arm in a fridge door, dumped beer all over the kitchen floor (like actually cracked one open and poured it out), threw cookies and icing all over the floor... . an all out rage.  Anyone know how RO's work in Ohio?  Are they a good idea?  Her and her attorney are currently stalling the proceedings... . I'm keeping the house but uBPDw is currently unwilling to leave, claiming she has nowhere to go (her entire family lives 30 minutes from us).  And she's just freeloading on top of the abusive behavior... . I am just at my wits end!

[ForeverDad]

Record all incidents.  (Ohio is a one party state, so don't worry about that.  While court may be reluctant to listen to recordings, they can save your butt when you play them for the police.)  No one will believe what you say (he-said + she-said = hearsay) unless you have documentation and even then it can be an uphill struggle.  Beware and be aware that when you call 911 and they come then she will have had time to calm herself and pose as the target/victim.  That's what my ex did when I called 911.  I suspect the police were about to cart me away until they saw my preschooler was clinging to me, sobbing the whole time in my arms and screamed when I tried to pass him to his mother as the officer instructed.  What kid won't go to his mother?  I have concluded my son saved me that day.  overall, recording has been a protection for me, a special sort of insurance.

Of course, record without telling her.  You don't want her to make a scene and fake or play-act as the victim as though you're being aggressive just because she knows you're recording.

[momtara]

If you file, she can file against you too.  Anyone would tell you to file if you believe you are in danger.  If you aren't in immediate danger, yes, it can sometimes be a strategy, but if you have no evidence, it can backfire.  Your bruises may show up in a day... . you can take pics, go to the doc, go to family court to show the bruises, show them to the cops and make a report.  The last two could have implications - not sure what - you might ask a lawyer.  Some lawyers don't even know the right answers, but you could try.  You can also post on avvo.com and get comments from local lawyers for free.

[ts919]

Thanks for the responses guys - I'm currently waiting to hear back from my attorney to see what he says.  I just know I can't live with her anymore and we either get her out of the house some how, some way, or I'm leaving.  She's so volatile and unpredictable - it's not healthy for me and it's certainly not healthy for my son.  I did some research last night; it seems I could file a RO against her and I would immediately have a temporary for 10 days.  At that point we would have a court date where I would need to convince a judge of the danger.  I have some video and tons of photos... . and I certainly have a LOT of people that would vouch for me.  Guess I'll wait and see what my attorney says. 

This is just so frustrating.  On top of the major stuff, there's all kinds of minor, passive-aggressive crap she does... . little things (like removing the spray cap on my cologne bottle?) just to irritate me.  It's certainly like living with an out of control toddler.  Only this toddler can do some serious damage if she wants to and seems to have no problem doing it.

[ForeverDad]

Very important - do not advertise your intentions or options.  Why?  Because then your spouse is likely to obstruct those options.  In other words, at this final stage sharing information with your spouse would be self-sabotaging.

If you record yourself when in any sort of contact or proximity to your spouse, do so quietly, don't tell not stick a recorder in anyone's face.  Remember, the hope is that nothing happens.  Waving a recorder around would only inflame conflict and make your spouse become even more devious, suspicious, oppositional and accusatory.

Sadly, your marriage is failing.  Marriage mates should have deep respect and trust with one another if the relationship is to prosper.  Sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and information all help that bond.  However, your marriage is not healthy and is failing.  Sharing information is not advised when a marriage is imploding, that information could be used to wage war against you.  So if she wants to interrogate you (as mine did) and trying to make you feel guilty (blame-shifting) then you have to hold to your boundaries of proper behavior.

[ts919]

Sadly, your marriage is failing.  Marriage mates should have deep respect and trust with one another if the relationship is to prosper.  Sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and information all help that bond.  However, your marriage is not healthy and is failing.  Sharing information is not advised when a marriage is imploding, that information could be used to wage war against you.  So if she wants to interrogate you (as mine did) and trying to make you feel guilty (blame-shifting) then you have to hold to your boundaries of proper behavior.

Good advice ForeverDad... . thank you.  I've stopped sharing anything with her; it's very strange at my home.  She's certainly figured out that she can live there for free for the time being, which is super stressful and frustrating for myself.  I have a 7 year old son that lives with us every other week... . it's stressful on both of us.  I'm at the point where I'm about ready to say screw it and just move out into a rental house and do my best to sell this one as quickly as possible without too much damage being done to my credit... . if only for my mental health.  Truthfully, she's never been much of an interrogator, but she's certainly a pro at blame shifting.  Current example, her car.  The loan is in both of our names and it's title to both of us.  She has recently decided that she is not going to pay for anything, including her car payment (I pay for almost everything as is).  I simply cannot afford to pay for everything + her car payment.  It would be very easy for her to make her car payment.  But guess who's fault it is?  Mine.  If she didn't have to "pay for an attorney (she didn't have to... . I originally offered her the dissolution agreement of a lifetime and she literally flushed the paperwork down the toilet)" she would then make her car payment.  Ugh... . it's exhausting.