Hi sadinsweden,
And now we are on to the passive-aggressive stuff which completely infuriates me and exhausts me. I don't know how to handle it.
I've been locked out of our bedroom for three days. I've been sleeping on a tiny little couch while that SOB sleeps in our king size bed. He turned the Internet off so I couldn't work. On the second night, I got into the bedroom, got into bed, minding my own business, watching a video on my computer. He comes in, gets in bed, takes the sheets and turns the TV on blasting so now I can't hear my computer. I leave and go to the living room. While I'm in the living room watching TV, he turns the lights off on me. Repeatedly. (He does this from the bedroom. We have remotes for the lighting.) And tonight he has disconnected the TV so I can't watch Netflix (everything else on TV is in Swedish). He bought for me a heart bracelet for Valentines day. I took it off and placed it on the living room table. It's gone now. He locked the doors to the kitchen and spare room because he says that will insure that I will not slam them. Now I have to walk around thru various paths to get to the other kitchen door. Or unlock the door with a special skeleton key which hangs in the closet. He leaves the water pitcher empty. Leaves empty containers in the refrigerator ... . milk, cheese, cat food. Empties the garbage under the sink and leaves in there so every time I open the doors under the sink garbage falls out (I told him that if he messes up stuff, he cleans it up. I once had pizza on my kitchen wall for a week. I absolutely refuse to touch that garbage.)
In order to insure that I have PJs, I must go into the bedroom while he is at work and fetch them and put them into the drier in the bathroom so they are available to me. Same with my laptop and personal belongings. I actually have to prepare for the next day because I never know what he's going to hide or sabotage next or whether or not I'll be able to access my clothes in the bedroom. If I leave the house I have to hide my stuff or he'll take it. To ensure I have coffee in the morning, I have to take scoops out of the container and put it away somewhere so that I can make coffee in the morning. In the past, he has hidden the coffee or the coffee maker and left me a note saying "Enjoy your coffee".
some of what you describe is not passive aggressive but simply aggressive. This active sabotage needs to be stopped with boundaries as the last thing you need is for him to further escalate.
On the communication side there are a few tweaks to the messages you send that can make them more effective.
*sigh* So he just got home from work. He's still very angry. I was in the kitchen making myself a sandwich. I didn't say a word. He gets some groceries out of his bag and slams the paper towel down on the counter. It made me flinch. I say to him, very calmly, "Is that really necessary?". "Yesssss" He scowls at me, "because you are always in my way."
I say to him, "Please stop with the anger. If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all."
He continues muttering and swearing under his breath. I say to him "I just want a peaceful weekend with you. If we can't have that, will I have to check into a hotel for the night?"
He says "Yes, do that."
I'm not going anywhere unless I have to, but I'm so upset AGAIN that I'm shaking.
This is an very tough situation . I really get what you want to say but the way you go about it tends to backfire as you have noticed. So here is a more detailed analysis of what you say, what impact it typically has and how to get the same said and done in a more effective manner.
You: very calmly, "Is that really necessary?"
Impact: The situation is anything but calm. So projecting calmness is invalidating. A validating response would need to raise to the slam provocation in some form. Also your question is not a question but a statement telling him off. Again Invalidating. As a result the situation will not get better.
Alternative: HEY <loud>. You are <fill favorite swearword> angry, I'm making myself a sandwich.
Notes: React loud but take it a notch down towards the end
You: "Please stop with the anger. If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all."
Impact: Begging showing weakness in light of aggression - invalidating. Telling him what to do is controlling - invalidating again.
Alternative: "Your way is blasting out all your anger. As if alone on the world."
Notes: Validates what he is doing and validates his sense of acting out and being alone.
You: I say to him "I just want a peaceful weekend with you. If we can't have that, will I have to check into a hotel for the night?"
Impact: Your want for peace is absolutely invalidating as he is super angry. The question hands control to him. Control needs to be on your side - boundaries are under your control. Threats (as which your statement might be received) are not at all helpful - they are perceived as controlling and also can make bad behavior more persistent as they may be providing intermittent feedback.
Alternative: Until you cool down in some time I'll do something else. <walk out>
Notes: After a few exchanges with no progress it is time to save our breath.
He is behaving in an unacceptable manner . Validation is not cuddling him but focusing exactly on his anger and spelling it out. When being under attack and exhausted as you are it is natural and tempting to just say what you want - sadly when dealing with a pwBPD this is not optimal. Avoiding invalidation is very important to get the situation under control.
