A good reason to get rid of triggers

[Turkish]

Was depressed at work today. Then some hs kids came through for a lab tour. I love doing these. Showing young pups our high end toys (S4 calls the electron microscopes "robots" and he's partially correct). The guys were wet blankets, but the few girls were smiling and obviously enthusiastic. Maybe there is hope for high tech in the USA yet... . then I got kind of depressed again.

My boss noticed this earlier in the day, he knows the whole sick story. I told him yes, and id probably be that way for a while, but I was ok. I told him I couldn't just "forget about her!" as one of our coworkers told me. Six years and two little kids, I'd like to see how he'd do.

Later, Boss asked me for something. I had to do digging through my computer and email folders. That's when I came upon a series of messages uBPDx had sent to her paramour over a few days period. Telling him she needed to know she was doing the right thing, asking him to wait for her, fearful that he would not. Saying Turkish is all a woman could ever want in a man, but she just couldnt love him. Saying how good she felt kissing him, and he with him, things were "simple" and boiled down to their "essence" *gag* I guess that's easy when you neglect your children to persue teen love. Echoes of what she told me in the beginning "I feel I can be myself around you." With me, she actually could, as much as that is possible. With him, it was like living with a dysphoric teenager. Whatever... . That was the month she physically stopped seeing him, and in later weeks I thought we might salvage it, but I ultimately ended the r/s, which was already over, the first week in Oct.  She was still texting and emailng him. Maybe I should have been more patient like my T suggested "these things usually take a while to die down" but I know how she attaches to men. He would always be the fallback. No. I refused to be second. I finally valued myself! The dark gift of a r/s with someone like this... .

Of course this triggered me. I left work early. Didn't even answer emails that needed answers. I could log on from home, but didn't. Dangerous for me... . the grace for me at work has almost run out.

Better at home. Talked to the neighbors about watching my place this weekend. They told me how beautiful my children were and how I'd better watch D22mos. Thanks! But if I model a secure and loving attachment for her, I doubt she'll turn out like her mom, susceptible to the lies of narc man boys. I didn't say any of this of course... . my goal is to do this for both. They already have it better so far than either of their parents did. Well, S4 for sure. They are both so irreverent!   Their mother didn't even talk until 4 or 5. Her wounds were forged that early... . I feel sad about that, and empathetic. Such a wounded creature.

I did the evening call. D1 kept saying Daddy! on the phone. S4 was brief (he's like that with both of us, "ok, bye!" He's past that crucial attachment stage. Thank God.

I prepped our bags for the weekend. Picking them up early tomorrow to go out of town to visit my friends and family (I really need to find more friends where I live). Barring disaster, we'll take them to their first real snow on Sat. Their mom will miss this, but then she will miss a lot of things. I'm out, about, adventure! I know she appreciates this though. I might be merciful and send her some pics, even if she criticizes me for dressing them wrong like last time when I shared some pics. I grew up in snow. I know what I am doing, and maybe I'm immune at this point to her criticisms.

All in all, I'm ok... I need to realize this takes time. Be patient. Its still hard to come home to what seems to be a very large and empty house (my house is small, but i was in a small studio for 7 years before I moved in with the kid's mom), but it's mostly full when my little angel monsters are here. They seem good about sleeping in their own beds now though I was worried the first two weeks.

I wish I could fast forward 3 months, or better yet, 20 years, but reality holds me firm. I need to slow my mind down and accept this on an emotional level. It's hard, but all I can do is sleep, wake, sleep, and take it one day at a time. I have no choice in that, and it's ok. It reminds me I am human. To live, to dream, to wake and live again. Each day. And then the next. Don't fight, but accept. In accepting, conserve strength to fight the chalenges that will come.

Peace,

Turkish

[NyGirl8]

Peace to you Turkish.  You are going through lots of changes, I can relate.  The changes were not chosen... . they were just dealt, and it really isn't fair.  Sorry you found the emails... . my exes FB brought me to my knees, seeing him with my replacement.  But, it also had a reality check effect.  It is too difficult to deny a picture... . to deny thenpain it brought me.

Enjoy those kids in their first snow.  Enjoy every moment!  Go easy on yourself and take care!

[Turkish]

Peace to you Turkish.  You are going through lots of changes, I can relate.  The changes were not chosen... . they were just dealt, and it really isn't fair.  Sorry you found the emails... . my exes FB brought me to my knees, seeing him with my replacement.  But, it also had a reality check effect.  It is too difficult to deny a picture... . to deny thenpain it brought me.

Enjoy those kids in their first snow.  Enjoy every moment!  Go easy on yourself and take care!

Hi NyGirl8... . I probably have it a little easier than you. Mines not NPD, despite the narc traits. I will never unblock though. Don't want to see the subtle devaluations. I suppose she may come out at some point, maybe she already has. So painful... . I hope you and your girls are doing well. I feel guilty. Our Exes are already focused in on themselves, when is it time for us? Not some empty r/s, but really. I kind of don't know what to do yet, but I suppose I will find it sometime. Delay gratification, find a goal and focus upon it. Maybe multiple goals. I really don't know at this point, and I suppose... . that's ok.

[NyGirl8]

I suppose the not knowing is ok.  A tad scary, but really ok.  I don't know either.  We are in the same boat.  I do not want an empty R/S just to occupy my mind and time while I heal.  I never wanted that.  I do want to heal so that I can be open when a healthy option for a r/s comes along.  I have hope for us both.  We will get there.  In the mean time we will be the best parents we can be and we will heal and grow and move beyond the pain... . one day at a time :-)

[DiamondSW]

Dear Turkish,

I'm so sorry that you discovered those emails.  They must have been terribly hurtful and I know that I would have done just what you did and left -There's no one who could just get on with their day.  It's the sneakyness and the childishness of them as well which is so unpleasant. 

It's 11.23 here in the UK and I know exactly where my exBPDgf is to the inch... . her psychiatrists room in London.  I'm struggling to get out of bed and it's time for me to face reality and up my meds as 4mths NC is still keeping me from holding my head up high and liking myself too.

I don't have any words of wisdom, just I'm sorry you are going through this.  I really am.  I wish I could help you. 

[NyGirl8]

Dear Diamond,

Hang in there!  You'll get this, you'll get there!  I have been readilyng your posts and I am impressed and amazed over and over again by your strength.  I know you do not feel strong.  I know you feel as if you are going to break I to tiny little pieces at any moment.  I know, I have been there... . and really only have a little lead on you.  But hang on.  I promise you, you have strength beyond what you can feel.  I promisese you, the pain you are feeling would kill most people.  You are still here, you are still struggling to move forward, you are here!  That is immeasurable strength... . that is self love.  Keep going, keep posing, breathe.