Kicked him out... need support

[karma_gal]

I have been away from here for a while dealing with life stuff -- work, a dog that needed surgery, and just regrouping a bit.  You guys have always been so supportive, so I'm back asking for support now in helping me through these next couple of days.

I have been undecided for so long, just miserably plugging along waiting for "that" moment when I knew I was done.  That moment arrived tonight, and I kicked my uBPDH out of the house and we are filing for divorce.

Ironically, there wasn't any big event that took place or anything that would seem to tip the scales after all the BS of his I have lived through.  It was just yet another day of the same old crap and I finally was just done with all of it.  I was trying to talk to him about an age-old issue -- his laziness -- and he started mocking me, laughing in my face, calling me vulgar names... . and that was it.  I was done.  I told him to get the hell out of my house, that I was not going to be talked to or treated like that one more time.  It really is *my* house because my parents own it, so I don't want anyone to think that I'm kicking him out of a house we bought together.  My parents bought me the house when he kept losing jobs and put us near bankruptcy a few years ago with his financial screw-ups so that they would know the kids and I would always have a place that was safe and cheap enough for me to afford on my own should this ever happen.  Ironically, he tried to kick me out of my house tonight.  I can't figure that out. 

It was probably worse today because of last night.  Last night when we came home, I moved the barricade that we have blocking our living room so he could get in.  Barricade is up because dog just had surgery and has to be confined to a small area so he isn't walking on the leg he just had surgery on.  He yelled at me to move, that he was going to hold the barricade for me.  His hands were full, mine were not, so I told him to just go through the effing barricade before the dog got out.  He started screaming at me, calling me a bhit, and kicked a chair across the room.  I was honestly scared last night that he would hurt me. 

Then today happened.

I have not been happy with this man for ten years.  In fact, I have hated him on many occasions over that time period.  We have not had sex but twice in the last year because I can't be intimate with someone who treats me like crap day in and day out yet expects me to shut those feelings off and have sex whenever he feels like it.  Just thinking of it repulses me.  We have zero conversations outside of, "What's your work schedule today?  Did you pay the light bill?"  We have not gone anywhere as a couple in well over a year, and that was something I planned and he sulked the whole night because he wanted to be at home watching TV instead.  I have drug this guy through life, literally and figuratively, for years, and he has been like a dead weight that I couldn't shake.  A therapist has told me that he is capable of functioning at the level of a four year old and that I could never expect anything more from him.  In essence, this marriage was NEVER going to work and I was never going to be fulfilled in it.

Why then am I sitting here already regretting kicking him out, wondering if I made the right decision?  I'm not feeling any huge sense of relief that he's finally gone and I'm finally rid of him.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. 

The friends I've called already have said this is the best thing that could have ever happened; that he has been a drain for years and that now I finally have the chance to be happy.  I'm sure if I read this post a year from now I will see that they were right.  But how in the hell I am going to get through the next day, the next week, the next month? 

[DiamondSW]

Good for you.

It's your house, your parents would have worked darn hard to earn the money to buy it for you and they and you have no obligation to him if he is unwilling to help himself.

My BPDexgf had every cultural excuse in the book for not working, the BPD reality which she never told me, she just pretended the long term reality of her not working would go away and I wouldn't notice.  The moment I did seem to 'mind' (because I wanted a future with a normal person) and it became a big problem, I was painted black.

It wasn't that I didn't show her love, I couldn't have tried harder, it was that she was almost "found out" in a weird way... . once I 'knew' she'd only worked 7mths in her life up to 29yrs old, it was all over in her eyes.  She devalued me because she couldn't cope with her own shame and couldn't attack me over the same issues as I'd worked f-time for a decade straight. 

I'm in your shoes though.  I have my own home which I worked hard for.  She's relying on others.  as usual. 

Lazyness is a real turn off and relationship deal-breaker in my eyes. 

[Want2know]

Why then am I sitting here already regretting kicking him out, wondering if I made the right decision?  I'm not feeling any huge sense of relief that he's finally gone and I'm finally rid of him.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  

The friends I've called already have said this is the best thing that could have ever happened; that he has been a drain for years and that now I finally have the chance to be happy.  I'm sure if I read this post a year from now I will see that they were right.  But how in the hell I am going to get through the next day, the next week, the next month?  

It's not an easy decision... . I wish it were.  It wasn't for me, either, but now, in hindsight, as you say, it is the best decision I've made.  

Yes, your heart hurts.  That's not an easy thing to heal, but it can be healed and you will be in a better place.  There is hope, even though it may elude you until you can acknowledge and confront what you've experienced (the first stage of detachment).

Getting through the immediate feelings may be the roughest thing you have to deal with.  It was for me.  The folks on this site helped, my therapist helped, and my support network helped.  Even with all that, there are still those moments when you may feel alone.  I'm not going to lie.

Right now, take it day by day, minute by minute, and come here when you have the urge to contact him.  You were in an abusive relationship.  I'm not sure if you've experienced any physical abuse, but daily verbal abuse seems just as bad - I had both.

We're here for you... . 24/7.  

[karma_gal]

Thank you both so much for your responses!  I'm so glad to be able to come back, be welcomed with open arms, and get support and advice from people who have been there, who know what I'm going through.  

I, too, have tried everything, literally.  I have begged and pleaded for him to get help, drug him to therapy when he didn't want to go, taken more than my fair share of blame when he couldn't shoulder any, planned every minute detail of our lives because he said he sucked at it.  I have given him more chances than he deserved, and then a couple more for good measure... . all of this while he gave nothing.  Literally nothing.  He would always say he didn't know how to make changes, he didn't know how to plan anything out, he didn't know how to communicate differently/better/whatever.  He always had an excuse for why he couldn't be anything more than he was, and he was simply unwilling to change anything.  

I think I was painted black for the same reason Diamond said.  He knew I was right, he felt shame about it because he knew I was right, but couldn't handle it so I was made to be the bad guy.  Fair enough... . but I've been the bad guy for the very last time because he screwed up yet again and can't take responsibility.

Want2know, thank you so much for letting me know that it may very well suck for a while.  I sincerely appreciate the honesty because I truly want to know what I'm up against so that I can stay the course and not regress and call him and beg him to come back to abuse me some more.  The funny thing is that every friend I have called up since this all went down has said this is the very best thing that could have happened, it took you long enough, it may suck for a while but you are going to be so much better off just a couple of months from now, once the dust has all settled.  I have yet to hear one person say, "You just made a really big mistake and you better call him on the phone and see if you can talk him into coming back."  Thankfully I have friends that WOULD tell me those things if they thought I was wrong... . but none of them are saying anything like that.  

One minute, one hour at a time... . that's going to be my life for the next few months, I'm sure.  I don't think it has really sunk in yet because we've been here before no less than 20 times -- I kick him out, take him back; rinse, repeat; do it all again.  I will probably drive everyone here crazy in the next few weeks as I settle into a new normal, and while I'm scared to death to be on my own, I honestly can't wait to see how my life changes without the constant verbal and emotional abuse, being able to do things that I want without him making me feel guilty.  In so many ways, I feel like I just got wings today.  Now I just need to figure out how to use them, huh?  

[Tausk]

Wow.  Good for you.  After all years, I had done everything. Given everything. Tried everything. Hoped for change.  Wanted change.  Tried to change.

And in the end nothing changed except that things got worse and worse and worse.   It's a Disorder. 

But first things first.

Are you safe?  If not, do whatever you need to do to be safe.

Are you committed, or is this just a way to hope that things will be different?  Because it's just going to make things worse if you take him back.

So if you are committed, then develop a plan, because it's hard.  Get yourself to therapy.  Let friends and family know your decision and ask them to help you detach. Find any other resources to help yo.

For now, Do not have any interaction alone with your ex unless absolutely necessary.   Always have someone there with you as a buffer.

And stay on the board and detach.  It could get really difficult, such as extinguish burst, but you can do it. 

Congrats.

WE understand, we are here for you... . you are not alone.

[Want2know]

One minute, one hour at a time... . that's going to be my life for the next few months, I'm sure.  I don't think it has really sunk in yet because we've been here before no less than 20 times -- I kick him out, take him back; rinse, repeat; do it all again.  I will probably drive everyone here crazy in the next few weeks as I settle into a new normal, and while I'm scared to death to be on my own, I honestly can't wait to see how my life changes without the constant verbal and emotional abuse, being able to do things that I want without him making me feel guilty.  In so many ways, I feel like I just got wings today.  Now I just need to figure out how to use them, huh?  

20 is a good even number.  Let's leave it at that. 

What I bolded is so true.  Ahhh... . it's like jumping into a cool pool on a hot summer day.  So refreshing, feels so good.  Laying in the sun afterwards to dry off.  Life can't get much better than that. 

No worries about feeling like you are driving anyone crazy here.  We're all a bit crazy and can relate.  Big hugs to you! 

[karma_gal]

Wow.  Good for you.  After all years, I had done everything. Given everything. Tried everything. Hoped for change.  Wanted change.  Tried to change.



And in the end nothing changed except that things got worse and worse and worse.   It's a Disorder. 

But first things first.

Are you safe?  If not, do whatever you need to do to be safe.

Are you committed, or is this just a way to hope that things will be different?  Because it's just going to make things worse if you take him back.

So if you are committed, then develop a plan, because it's hard.  Get yourself to therapy.  Let friends and family know your decision and ask them to help you detach. Find any other resources to help yo.

For now, Do not have any interaction alone with your ex unless absolutely necessary.   Always have someone there with you as a buffer.

And stay on the board and detach.  It could get really difficult, such as extinguish burst, but you can do it. 

Congrats.

WE understand, we are here for you... . you are not alone.

Bolded for truth up there.  That is the story of my life.  It just kept getting worse, and worse, and worse.  It just never, ever, ever got any better.  Seriously, I cannot think of a single day in the last two and a half years where we have had a "good" day.  There was always some kind of drama, something he misinterpreted, made up in his head, or otherwise just created out of thin air.  I have been feeling so beat down lately like I was just empty with nothing, not a single shred of anything, left to give.  He took it all, used it up, and then threw it back at me like it wasn't enough.  For too many years I played the game where I just tried a little harder, did a little more, took on just a bit more responsibility because I was sure that would make things right.  That obviously didn't work. 

I'm safe.  He is gone.  I have his keys.  I am having the locks changed tomorrow just in case.  Besides, he's a "runner," taking off every time something comes up and has never once tried to come back and start any craziness.  Besides, I live in a small village and it literally would take the police less than two minutes to get here from anywhere, and I'm willing to call them if I need to. 

Nope, this time I'm committed.  This time it's different because I'm different.  I have gotten pretty wise these last few years, recognizing that he had some pretty deep issues and everything wasn't my fault as he wanted me to believe.  Even then, though, I did the above -- tried more, harder, better.  I came here to this board a few months ago and literally sat at the computer with my mouth hanging open as I read story after story.  They were my story.  I knew then that things would never, ever change, because he would never -- could never -- change.  He was who he was.  And I can't unknow everything I know -- that he's passive-aggressive, seeks revenge on me when I call him out on his screw-ups, the verbal abuse, the name calling, the empty feeling after sex.  I can't forget any of that.  It literally left me a shell of who I once was... . and now that I've started finding that girl again, I don't ever want to let her go.  I don't ever want to own his hit ever again because he can't or won't. 

I was PM'ing with a friend here and told her something that I feel so guilty about, but I'm going to share it here, too, because it is part of the reason that I'm committed this time, rather than just paying lip service to it.  The last time my H and I tried to have sex, I threw up.  I was *that* repulsed by him touching me, because sex always left me feeling so used up and empty.  I started seriously thinking about getting out earlier this year and have had it in the back of my mind that the moment was coming soon.  I could feel it.  One of my fears has been that I would be alone forever if I walked away for good.  For kicks, and maybe to prove myself wrong, I put a profile up on a dating website, just to see what would happen.  Within three days I had hundreds of men messaging me, saying things I haven't heard in years.  I took the profile down, knowing that my fear was just that -- a fear, and not reality.  There really ARE plenty of other men out there, normal men, who absolutely would want to date me and be with me, regardless of what my H has tried to get me to believe for years. It helped bolster my self-esteem a bit, and that led to me going to get my hair done, working out, and doing me for the first time in years.  I can't tell you how good that has felt. 

I am so glad that this board, and all of you awesome posters, are here to help me and all the others here every step of the way through this.  I have had breakups before, but getting away from this craziness has seriously been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.  I can't figure out why I stayed for so long. 

For the first time in a long time, I'm smiling, my son is smiling, and my house is a happy place to be tonight.  All that tension that has permeated the air for so many years is gone, and I'm breathing much better -- rather than holding my breath. 

I'm sure there are obstacles and trials and tribulations that lie ahead, but I feel like maybe I'm strong enough now to deal with them, whereas before I literally had nothing left to give -- not to him, this marriage, or even myself. 

[ShakinMyHead]

Karma,

        You are going to get through it, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. You are going to be scared and in pain and withdrawal, and you are going to do it anyway. You are in pain in this relationship or out. There is no hope in it, why not have some hope with your pain? We are here for you, we are proud of you. Keep taking small steps toward your freedom and us, and don't expect it not to hurt. The only reason we return is to end our pain. It's only a feeling, it's not a fact. AND IT ALWAYS PASSES. I PROMISE! Bug hug, SMH xo

[LA4610]

 But how in the hell I am going to get through the next day, the next week, the next month?

one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. it is hard as hell, but you got this. focus on the little things in life and take care of yourself. i see you are seeing a therapist, maybe you can visit him/her twice a week instead of once. i did that and it was very helpful. a physiatrist is also a resource that can help you. i would strongly recommend seeing one if you aren't already doing so.