what would you do

[six]

in a nutshell, by BPDs26 stopped talking to me about a month ago bec he got mad at me over what seemed (to me) like a fairly minor issue (I discussed this on a different thread, but basically he was taunting his 22yr old sister and when I told him that he needed to treat everyone in the house with respect, he swore at me and left the house and has not spoken to me since.  he has major issues with my protecting the other kids from him)  

at the point that this episode occurred, we were planning a 50th birthday party for my DH and my pbds26 was actually taking the lead role in the party planning (!).  since the episode, he has had NC with me or my other kids, but does have some contact with DH.  The question I have is this:  the party, which is a very small gathering of a few close friends is happening this weekend in our home.  :)S26 does not even know the details bec most of them were formulated after he stopped speaking to me.  I don't really want him to come if he is going to create drama.  but of course, I feel badly especially given that he was the one who kind of spearheaded the idea of making this party for his dad.

I asked a friend who is a life coach and very smart and she said that I should offer for him to come to the party so long as he agrees to treat everyone there with kindness.

my therapist says that he should not be invited back into the house until he is able to take responsibility for his abusive behavior

i am interested in any feedback or other ideas I should consider

TIA

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

These special occasions always seem to cause difficulties.

Does you DH know about the party and what are his thoughts on this?

I think not inviting your son may cause him to feel rejected.

I think I would e-mail him and say something like:

" you will remember that your Dad's party is this weekend and we appreciate all the help you were giving with it.

We would like everyone to be there and want this to be a great day for him.

I have said to all the family that we need to put aside any arguments and make this a good day. I hope you will be able to come to the party and that we can all get on well and have a good time. Of course you can always leave if you are not enjoying yourself... Hope to see you at x o'clock on ... .

Love

Mum"

This may help him not to feel singled out.

I might actually have a word with some of the siblings too.

I find these sibling issues difficult but I think that's what I would do. Hope you manage to enjoy the day

[pessim-optimist]

since the episode, he has had NC with me or my other kids, but does have some contact with DH.

Does that mean that you have tried to reach out to him and he chooses not to respond?

How does your dh feel about it? Would he like your s26 at his party, or would he feel uneasy?

If your dh would like his son to be there, I think lever's idea is a good one.

As it is last minute, it's a question of what his reaction will be - and you might have to improvise if needed... .

[Kate4queen]

Does your DH want him there?

That's the most important thing because it is his big day.

do you think in his current mindset he would respond to a plea to behave himself? Is there anyone in the family that he does get on with who could ask him instead of you, so you aren't the bad person again?

Asking my son not to make a scene or spoil anyone else's big day or moment always resulted in him being extra horrible and sucking up all the attention leaving everyone else's event in ruins.

He walked out 2 days before my DH's 50th and we all went out without him (3 other kids) and had a great time and it was so stress-free it was amazing.

I hope it all works out for you.

[jellibeans]

Dear six

I like what lever said but I do think that directing this only to your son and not the other sibilings might cause your ds to feel he is being singled out. that he is the sole blame for any conflict in your home. From what I remeber from your other posts your d's are in their 20's and sure be able to make more of an effort to get along with your ds. I think you need to look at the whole picture here... . it is not just how your ds will behave at the party it is also how the rest of the family will interact with him.

If you H is in close contact with your ds then I would let him handle the whole thing and not get involved. It is too bad that things could not have been patched up before this party. Sort of makes this stressful for everyone. I am sure your son is feeling that as well. Part of him wants to come to the party but then he is probably feeling like he can't win if he does come. Since this is a party for your H I would let me take the lead.

I will be very honest with you about your therapist... . he really has given you some questionable advise in the past and continues now with trying to exclude your ds from the party. Does your T have any experience with BPD?

I wish you luck six... . I know you have been struggling for some time with you ds and when there is a family gathering I am sure there is a lot of dread on everyones part. I hope your H bday is a happy one.