Sex within a BPD relationship

[copeland]

I have looked at the question of sex life within a BPD relationship, but a lot of what I have found is on promiscuity.  Does anyone have any experience with the opposite - little instigation, but a lot of blame for no sex life?  When I met my fiance, we were fairly intimate, but as time went on, responsibility for instigation shifted solely to myself.  Further, it became harder to elicit affectionate responses from her when I have tried to instigate any intimate contact - she liked to get me "riled up" and "frustrated until I broke", with her being the judge of when that would happen and she would return my attention.

Complicating this is the fact that she has vaginismus, and we have never technically consumated our relationship due to the physical impossibility. Several years ago she was referred to get a pap smear, but the doctor was running behind and my fiance left without rebooking. She has made no efforts to deal with this condition, although when we are physical she occasionally comments on how she wants to have intercourse. With this too I feel that she leaves all responsibility for this with me to "fix", but I have no idea how to do so! I want to support her because this is a large elephant in the room, but I am not sure how since it will take direct action on her part.  All of these factors have resulted in our sex life diminishing greatly and becoming an issue between the two of us; she feels at times that we are roommates and not partners, but she does very little to instigate contact, and when I do she responds very little or says "no", leaving me to wonder if she means it or it is another "tease".

I know this is a sensitive and personal issue, but has anyone had similar experiences or advice?   I am quite certain that sexual abuse is not a factor in my fiance's past.

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[MissyM]

Yes, my dBPDh couldn't really be sexually intimate for the first 11 years of our marriage.  For him, it is called sexual  anorexia and he always tried to hold me responsible for fixing him.   He is a sex addict and sexual anorexia is kind of the other side of the same coin from being sexually compulsive.  It has to do with fear of intimacy and engulfment, which BPDs seem to have.  Once he went to drug rehab and dealt with some of the abuse in his childhood, he was able to be sexual.  Problem is, then he started having sex indiscriminately.  He was still afraid of intimacy and engulfment.

[hergestridge]

I recognize this. My BPDw has a problem with lubrication but is not interested in foreplay or anything else that might help. When I initiate sex she agrees but tires quickly. She used to complain about not having enough sex, but I think mostly out of guilt.

They just don't seem to know how to help themselves.

[bpbreakout]

What has emerged over 17 years of marriage is that my BPDw now holds me entirely responsible for sex and intimacy. She has developed a pattern of becoming very angry and resentful for several days after sex. She has never been particularly giving or shown much interest in pleasing me though & obviously expected me to make all the running in that deprtment. The bit I find difficult is when I don't want to be close to her because she has been abusive or insulting she starts calling me cold and indifferent which frankly is a big turn off. BPDw has never been able to accept that I have feelings too. To be honest BPDw behaves as if she is doing me a huge favour when we have sex which is quite sad.

[SweetCharlotte]

Promiscuity was never one of my uBPDh's problems, though he had some relationships and "incidents" that sound weird and inappropriate to me.

He is always raring to go. He initiates intimacy ("initiates" is the term, not "instigates," btw) or lets me do so. Frequency is not a problem. We are a commuter couple, so when we are together we are looking to "get together." The only time we may go without for a long time is when he is in push-away and refuses to come see me at all (hasn't happened in many months, thank goodness).

His peculiarity is that he takes a very long time to finish. Usually men have the opposite problem. For some reason he cannot "give it up." Sometimes we have to stop and say "to be continued," because we run out of time or energy. Then I never get a break, because he will want to take up where we left off first thing in the morning or next time we are in the bedroom. Meanwhile, I've had plenty of orgasms and could stand to wait a while before getting intimate again. But he hasn't had his, so, it's on again. That gets a bit trying.

Also, he often feels he has to take Viagra (a fraction of a pill), even though he really doesn't need it. He says it is "just to make sure." Once he has taken it, then I have no choice but to say yes to him when he initiates, because it's very expensive. That gets a bit trying too.

[MissyM]

Also, he often feels he has to take Viagra (a fraction of a pill), even though he really doesn't need it. He says it is "just to make sure." Once he has taken it, then I have no choice but to say yes to him when he initiates, because it's very expensive.

My dBPDh has tried that manipulation.  Just to be clear, you do have a choice.  Coerced sex is not healthy for anyone.  As far as the not finishing, that is something I hear a lot and have experienced myself with my dBPDh.  Again, I have been told that is because of intimacy.  My dBPDh has been diagnosed as a sex addict and there are many therapists that believe that sex addiction is really just an expression of personality disorders.  I hear both of the things you are talking about from spouses of other sex addicts.