Worst Night In A Long Time

[FeelingOverwhelmed1998]

Last night was so bad. I am trying to give some incentives for not having a negative attitude, and being so abusive. So. I offered to let her go to a concert she asked to go to, as long as she gave 100% on trying to stay positive. She said that was the stupidest thing she had ever heard, and would never be able to do that. I told he she could think about it, BC that was the offer my husband and I had regarding the concert. She went to her room after huffing about how stupid I am. Which I just ignored. Then came dinner. And she was hateful, and incredibly disrespectful. Over nothing really. Nothing I could even exactly pinpoint this morning. I told her it was not acceptable for her to treat me that way, and that I was grounding her from her cell phone. She said nothing for a minute, then said she was sorry. Then asked for her cell phone back. Over, and over, and over. Probably 75 times. I'm trying to remain calm, and a saying no after probably every 3rd "please mom". Once I actually took the phone from her, I tried to remove myself from the situation, going in to my room. Which she incessantly knocked on the door saying mom, please, mom, for over 10 minutes. When I came out is when things went crazy. She told me no one in my entire family loves me. Everyone thinks I'm a bad mom. She hates me. I'm a f***ing b***h. I just ignored most of it. I told her I love her. It isn't my job to make her like me. She said she doesn't even love me, and neither do my other children, or family. She then told my toddler aged soon that everything is my fault. I'm a b***h, and he better love her and not me. I told her that if I can't trust her to be appropriate around him, I would have to limit contact with him. Which, honestly, I already do. She says very  inappropriate things to him, and in front of him. Like she doesn't understand that what is OK for 15 yr olds, isn't OK for 2 yr olds. I ended up leaving with my toddler at that point. I needed to separate myself from the situation. My husband and oldest son were there with her. When I came back, I told her I love her no matter what. I love her enough for the both of us while she hates me. And we well be OK when we get past this rough patch. She was laying down on her bed, and didn't acknowledge me. Didn't speak, or even turn her head towards me. I didn't try to make her, I just said what I wanted to say, and went to put the baby to bed.

Ugh! I'm just over it. I'm so glad to hear all of the people say it gets better. Sometimes I feel like all I can focus on is how long until she moves out. Counting down the time... . And other times, I have so much hope that everything will be OK. That we will be able to have a closer to normal relationship when she matures some. Although, I have stopped dreaming of us being best friends, like my mother and I. Oh well. Thanks for listening. It really helps to get it all out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear feeling overwhelmed

That little scene sound very much what I have experienced except my dd would not have given me the phone and I would have called our provider to end service. I think you did the right thing by leaving... . the sooner to stop the interaction the better. The badgering will never stop if you keep interacting with her.

I think you could said some validating things like I know how disappointed you are etc... . it is good you put some boundaries in place.

Things do get better... . my dd16 has reduced her raging a lot and I haven't been called a bhit in a long while so have hope.

[raytamtay3]

I'm very sorry to hear you you had a bad night with your DD. And I can so relate to what you posted. Identical situations have occurred in my home. My DS is 6 though. Hang in there.

[FeelingOverwhelmed1998]

jellibeans,

She certainly didn't give me the phone nicely. It was only after I told her I was going to call to cancel it that she threw it at me. I don't completely understand the validating, and invalidating aspects. Would she have understood, and been less hostile if I said I understood she was disappointed? I guess I haven't found the balance with that yet. Whenever I validate her concerns, she holds them against me with the next argument. She will say things like, you know you should just shut up now. You know you are just going to say you understand my side, and know where I'm coming from. If you know where I'm coming from then just stop being a b***h.

Thanks for listening!

[FeelingOverwhelmed1998]

Raytamtay3,

Thank you. It really means a lot to get support. I am so glad that my daughters psychiatrist suggested support group, and that I found this one!

[jellibeans]

I can see such similarities in our kids... . I don't have any high hopes that things are going to be great in the future but I think they will get better. Things have improved just in the last few weeks but it is a roller coaster. It really is two steps ahead and one back. I remain hopeful and try not to take things too personal. She is struggling right now with school and  I had to take her car away yesterday for skipping two classes but she reacted differently this time... . no raging at all... . she called me from school and told me what happened... . i told her to go to her counselor and that she would help her make things right. She went to her teachers and apologized and made arrangements to come in and get caught up on the work missed... . it really could have gone very differently... . she could have run away or had a meltdown... . but she handled it better and it is at those times that I see there is hope.

I like to think that I am only seeing a small snapshot of my dd right now... . I like to think that she will have a very long life and when I look back at these times they won't even seem that bad... . that might be when I am 80 and don't have a good memory but still the pain will heal and things will get better.