A very awkward situation...

[PotentiallyKevin]

Hello Family,

It has been a really long time since I have posted here. Little bit of a back story, I am four years removed from my BPD relationship which is all fine and dandy which is one of the reasons why I quit posting here, BPD just doesn't matter nearly as much as it used to now that it is so far in the past. However, this week I took a trip to Vegas with some buddies of mine. Before we left, one of the gentleman's girlfriend actually encouraged him to go. She wished him a great time and was "glad" he was able to have some bonding time with other males (he is new to the area). Anyhoo at the end of day 2 we were coming back from a late night out on the strip and he receives a phone call from his girlfriend. At first she was overly flirtatious with him, to the point where it became a bit inappropriate at least awkward as we were all in the same room and he kept telling her that he "couldn't" talk like that because he wasn't alone. She then became defensive, accusing him of being embarrassed of her and then was convinced he was cheating on her. Oh boy did that bring back memories from my 3 year relationship from hell. She then hung up on him and started sending texts messages how she hopes he dies and how she hates him and he might as well not come home because she is kicking him out (it is actually his apartment) etc etc etc. We had a long talk about BPD, my experience and why I (of course I have my own opinions due to the ultimate failure of my relationship) thought he should prepare himself to end the relationship and that it wasn't worth it to drag it out because I had been down this road.

Fast forward to yesterday when I see my buddy and lo and behold, she is with him and is all giggly and happy and acting as if nothing happened. This just made me cringe. I felt so sorry for him. I had been through exactly this, getting embarrassed in front of my friends and then the next day having to face them with my crazy exgf acting like everything was fine. Ugh. I feel like I should do something... . I dunno. When I was on the Undecided board I really had no one in my life that could walk be through that which was BPD. No one understood why I stayed. My friends just rolled their eyes at me and later stopped hanging out with me because it was just too stressful for them having to be nice to my exgf especially because literally hours before they were consoling me and telling me to get rid of her... .

My question to the undecided board is, What is my place in all of this? Do I take the initiative or just hope that he comes to me to ask for advice. What I really want to do is confront her, but of course I know the borderline wrath all too well and don't want to direct any of that rage towards me. Plus, I know it won't do anything. He is still in too much denial to fully realize the situation, and she... . well she has what I suspect is full-blown BPD. As an Undecided Non, what would you want a friend of yours to do, especially if they have as much experience with BPD as I?

Again, looking back at my 3 years of hell, I really wish I had someone, anyone that could have lead me through this. However, since I had to make this journey by myself I did grow as a person and become much more emotionally mature, but I still don't know at what extent it cost my overall emotional outlook on life... . to this day I still hesitate to be in a relationship. I am genuinely happy being single.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[HopefulDad]

If you saw her with him, of course he'll act like nothing happened.  She's right there.

His relationship is ultimately none of your business, but since you do care about him it might be a good idea to call him with a "Hey, I was thinking about our conversation we had in Vegas."  It's probably a good idea to backtrack from "be prepared to end the relationship" line of thinking, but point out that the behavior she exhibited was eerily similar to your ex and that you wish you had known about BPD back then.  Maybe you want to give him info about this site so he can have some knowledge that you didn't have during your relationship and hope it helps him going forward.

If he comes back with, "She's just moody," or "She just insecure, " or other other similar rationalizations, just respond with a smile, "Yeah, that's what I used to say, too."