Made up scenerios

[Cloudy Days]

I was wondering if this is something that others may deal with. Me and my BPDh often get into arguments because of my responses to questions about made up scenarios. He will usually ask me, if so and so happens will you do this? Or will you do this? A lot of the time the scenario is something that will never happen. Last night he asked me if we were at a party at my parents house and people were drinking would I leave with him if he said he was uncomfortable (We don't attend these kinds of parties because of past experiences) so I said we don't even go to parties like that so it's not an issue. Then I said if you are uncomfortable then that makes me uncomfortable and I would leave with you. By that time he was already mad at me. I've been doing really good at not picking up the fight. But he still slings a lot of stuff my way before he gives up and goes to smoke a cigarette and he will have a go at it again. I didn't pick it up though and he calmed down quicker than he would have if I had jaded.

Should I Validate these kinds of questions, should I answer them. These kinds of questions are common and some of them are hard to answer because they are so made up.

[maxsterling]

Good topic.  My BPDgf spends a lot of time worrying about a future that hasn't come yet.  Actually, that's mostly what she thinks about day after day.  She lives in the past, and lives waaay in the future, and the current day's needs never get met.  For example, she's been worrying all about the ultimate future of our relationship, meanwhile just what we are having for dinner on a particular night is outside of her realm.  The scenarios aren't completely off the wall, but here is an example:

- "I should get a new car.  What kind of car should I get?  If we have a baby we need a different car."   Right now, she has no job, and can barely afford the car she has. having a baby or getting a new car seem to be very unreachable right now. 

My issue is that when she asks or brings up things that are not on the table, and may never be on the table, is that if I validate she may interpret that it is something even worth thinking about.  And then she may continue with this behavior of constantly looking at all these hypothetical situations and continue to lose focus on today and immediate needs.  So if I respond, "that's an interesting question... . " that may give validation that her thought process is healthy. 

What I have been trying to do is to say, "well, that could be something to think about later, but I am more concerned with immediate needs."  That seems to be working okay.  I just try to not say that something is absurd or will never happen.   

[Cloudy Days]

Yes, I see how me saying that something is never going to happen is in a way invalidating to him. I also deal with the future predicaments of things we should look into getting. We have been wanting to buy a house for some time but we have no way of affording it. No down payment, no closing costs, we couldn't even get approved for a loan. But he wanted me to be looking at houses. Houses that were not going to be available when we do get our stuff together. He would search and search for houses, houses that we could never afford and get mad at me because I didn't want to look at houses anymore. Because that means I'm not interested in our future together.

I'm interested in what is in the here and now. I get so sick of thinking about the future because he has anxiety over it. I try to disengage as much as I can but he tries to pull me into it with him by asking questions. Why do they have such a hard time staying in the moment? He does always focus on the past or the future.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw was widowed in 2007, I got divorced the same year.  We got married in 2010.

Since then we've seen my ex (mother of my one son who's 22) 5-6 times, twice within the last 3 years.

1-2 times a year I'll get tickets for something and will go with my son.  For weeks I'll get all sorts of questions/accusations, did I really get 3 tix (one for my ex... . ), are we meeting her for dinner first... .

So before I knew what BPD was I'm sure I was very invalidating (what opinion do you have of me where you don't know if we're secretly meeting her... . )

I can see 10 minutes into the future where the conversation is going, but I have difficulty determining when I disengage.  The questions always start reasonable, but either escalates on their own or because I answered with a pause, or with a tone, or with something that justifies her mistrust... .

[Cloudy Days]

I'm never sure if he is triggered by my reactions to the questions or if he is triggered by my responses, like you said, I will pause for too long or I will make a face or something. The questioning seems to him to be innocent. However it seems to me like a backwards attack so I sometimes react the wrong way and get defensive. Like, why are you even asking this question, that's not something I would ever do. I am working on that. I need to remember he is more likely looking for validation and support. And it's not his intention to attack me. However if my response doesn't make him happy, he does attack me.

[maxsterling]

We have been wanting to buy a house for some time but we have no way of affording it. No down payment, no closing costs, we couldn't even get approved for a loan. But he wanted me to be looking at houses. Houses that were not going to be available when we do get our stuff together. He would search and search for houses, houses that we could never afford and get mad at me because I didn't want to look at houses anymore. Because that means I'm not interested in our future together.

wow, very similar! for me, it's engagement rings.  I have no money (because I am paying many of her expenses).  She has no money.  I've told her I am not going to look at buying things that I have no way of affording.  But to her, me not even wanting to look means I don't care about the future of our relationship.  It's not just engagement rings - it's appliances or furniture.  I know how it goes.  If we even so much as look at it, or see a commercial on TV, we wind up in a conversation about things I have no chance of affording any time soon.  And if I refuse to engage in the conversation, she takes that to mean I am complacent and don't care about our future.  Not true.  My feeling is that none of that potential future stuff matters if she can't climb out of this depression just a little bit and commit to being ALIVE a few months from now.  I'd love to have a new refrigerator or new mattress.  But what is my motivation to put myself in a bigger whole when I know she will be just as miserable?

I'm not sure why she's like this.  she's never been able to enjoy the moment so long as I have known her.  I think it stems from that childhood abandonment - unlike me, she has never ever had a place or people she feels stable with.  She's constantly uncomfortable that things will end so she wants some kind of guarantee what the future will bring.

[maxsterling]

However it seems to me like a backwards attack so I sometimes react the wrong way and get defensive. Like, why are you even asking this question, that's not something I would ever do. I am working on that. I need to remember he is more likely looking for validation and support. And it's not his intention to attack me. However if my response doesn't make him happy, he does attack me.

It's a no-win situation.  I know it sounds cliché, but been-there, done that, and still doing it.  My GF brings things up in a time and way that forces me to respond.  For example she may throw out the statement "We're never going to get a new bed and I will always be fat and miserable."  Notice that is not really a question, but just a negative statement.

- if I don't respond, or don't respond quickly enough, or say, "I need time to think" she interprets that as negative and that I don't care.  that started a full blown rage once

- if I say, "You aren't fat", that invalidates her natural negative feeling.  If I say "I think we will be able to get a new bed some day,"  She interprets that as a promise and holds onto it.   These things come back to bite me later on.

No matter hat I say, there is a danger of misinterpretation.  Saying what I really feel may lead to a bad place.  It's no win, and I get these kinds of questions/statements daily. 

[blueeyedjess]

My stbex likes to question me in the same way and then tells me that he is predicting my behavior. He loves to do this self-fulfilling prophecy thing. It is terribly frustrating because he basically steers everything the way he had it all thought out in his head. I cannot convince him of this or make him see it and I often end up reacting just the way he predicted because I have little or no other choice. Validating his thoughts didn't help- it just made him angry because he thought I was pacifying him. 

[Cloudy Days]

My stbex likes to question me in the same way and then tells me that he is predicting my behavior. He loves to do this self-fulfilling prophecy thing. It is terribly frustrating because he basically steers everything the way he had it all thought out in his head. 

I get this too, my husband actually sent a text the other day and said he was going to predict what I would send back. He knows what I usually write and convinced himself that if I wrote that same thing then that means I don't give a crap. What I actually wrote was "That Sucks". When he tells me things he is disappointed in that's what I usually write, or something like it at least, because what else can you say? I've been trying to explain the self fulfilling prophecy stuff to my husband too. That he thinks something is going to happen, he gets it stuck in his mind and then his actions are exactly what will cause it to happen. He's even had moments of clarity where he gets it and realizes that is what is happening, but it doesn't last forever.

I got to say, I handled him beautifully last night. I got home and he had a look on his face that he wasn't happy. I asked him if he was ok and he said no. I asked what the matter was and he said you know what the matter is. He had been thinking about me cheating on him all day. Instead of getting upset with him I just hugged him and told him that I know he doesn't want to think those terrible thoughts and I know it must feel awful. But that I loved him so much. I felt him melt in my arms a bit, the tension melted away. There was no fight, we got along all night long. It was nice.

[ApChagi1]

My dBPDw believes my family (dad, sister, and aunt) are working together to drive her out of the family.  She claims my Dad intentionally locked her in the garage at Christmas (never happened), my sister has photoshopped her out of all her wedding photos (also never happened), and the best one, my sister gave me a sweatshirt with a mountain on it as a hint that she hopes our marriage is rocky (as in Rocky Mountains). 

[Cloudy Days]

my sister gave me a sweatshirt with a mountain on it as a hint that she hopes our marriage is rocky (as in Rocky Mountains). 

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry but this made me laugh. I'm sure I have dealt with something comparable but that is really trying to read deep between the lines.

[ApChagi1]

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

[Cloudy Days]

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

I certainly know the feeling. It's obvious that it is disordered thinking. But she truly believes it and that just makes things seem a bit hopeless.

[drv3006]

My stbex likes to question me in the same way and then tells me that he is predicting my behavior. He loves to do this self-fulfilling prophecy thing. It is terribly frustrating because he basically steers everything the way he had it all thought out in his head. I cannot convince him of this or make him see it and I often end up reacting just the way he predicted because I have little or no other choice. Validating his thoughts didn't help- it just made him angry because he thought I was pacifying him. 

Exactly!  Mine took DBT over a two years ago.  And though it probably helped him then, he doesn't really practice it.  He uses it to describe whats wrong with me.  He reads these Eastern Asia books and then quotes them out or text them to me about how I should be.   Whatever!   All I know is I can't go anywhere or say anyhing without it being a mess or questioned  And I hate when he meets anyone I know.  He totally makes up stuff about these people and questions there every move.  He will say something and then end it with "wouldn't you agree?"    If I say no, I get another three hour lecture and I won't say yes.  If I say nothing I am ignoring him.  Its the damndest thing.  Really that's all I can say.   Half the time I don't know if I am up or down anymore,.  I am almost convinced he is right about some things  I do find myself avoiding saying stuff to even seeing him sometimes.  Its awful really. 

[maxsterling]

And though it probably helped him then, he doesn't really practice it.  He uses it to describe whats wrong with me. 

Interesting.  Mine was in DBT a decade ago.  It did help her to control her drug addiction and her cutting.  But now?  She has said she needs it again, got involved in a DBT group, and then kicked out for not showing up.  The long term affect? She's now capable of seeing exactly how she is being hurt, but rarely extends that to herself.  Her favorite thing is to claim someone did not validate her.  So, she can point out all the "communication" faults of her friends and family and me, but that hasn't stopped her own communication issues.

[drv3006]

Her favorite thing is to claim someone did not validate her.  So, she can point out all the "communication" faults of her friends and family and me, but that hasn't stopped her own communication issues.

That's it! Mine does that too.  It seems like the very way they want us to act and communicate is the number one thing they cannot do.  So, right now, I am in the doghouse for not calling him when I got home last night and I just went to sleep (he knew I was busy), therefore I don't care and I am a big fake.  So he thinks, I should know better because he has an illness and he has told me over and over.  And its not how he tells me I should just understand he is hurting.   However on the flip side, he doesn't have to tell me anything and can do and say whatever he wants.  If I say something I am bringing up the past, but he will bring stuff up that I don't even think happene, if you know what I mean.   I think his DBT would work great if he used it instead of taking everyone elses inventory and telling them how they should apply DBT into their lives.  He says he is being helpful