Day 4 after bk-up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been 4 days since I've sent my breaking-up message, I was expecting a reply but did not get one. At first I was sad, then angry, then read about this pattern of "silent-treatment" and accepted it.

It's been only 4 days and it feels like weeks, my perception of time is completely distorted. I feel better, lighter, less sad. I also feel shattered by the silence treatment as I can feel it as a rejection. I think I've been through on entire grieving process, but expect to go for another round.

What I struggle the most is to turn my attention to my issues, to have the courage to face why I got into this. Last nite I was reading the text about a Healthy relationship and something hit home: "6. Watch out for [emotionally] needy people. If neediness makes someone more appealing to you, you have issues to address before getting involved again. If you think that "boring" is a synonym for "stable" and "mental illnes" is a synonym for "passionate, attractive, charming, and exciting", you have issues."

I know I had co-dependency issues from my very dysfunctional family, and now I tend to think that this relationship was a marker on how I was doing about that now. I had not had any serious date for some years and this 7 months r/s with a pwBPD woke me up.

I think that I lack confidence in my "being loved" abilities and meeting someone with such a strong impact and courtship made me feel more comfortable with myself. I wasn't seeing myself beautiful, interesting or attractive and hearing my gf saying all those beautiful things about me rejuvenate me.

[Samsara121]

Its been 4 days since I've sent my breaking-up message, I was expecting a reply but did not get one. At first I was sad, then angry, then read about this pattern of "silent-treatment" and accepted it.

It's been only 4 days and it feels like weeks, my perception of time is completely distorted. I feel better, lighter, less sad. I also feel shattered by the silence treatment as I can feel it as a rejection. I think I've been through on entire grieving process, but expect to go for another round.

What I struggle the most is to turn my attention to my issues, to have the courage to face why I got into this. Last nite I was reading the text about a Healthy relationship and something hit home: "6. Watch out for [emotionally] needy people. If neediness makes someone more appealing to you, you have issues to address before getting involved again. If you think that "boring" is a synonym for "stable" and "mental illnes" is a synonym for "passionate, attractive, charming, and exciting", you have issues."

I know I had co-dependency issues from my very dysfunctional family, and now I tend to think that this relationship was a marker on how I was doing about that now. I had not had any serious date for some years and this 7 months r/s with a pwBPD woke me up.

I think that I lack confidence in my "being loved" abilities and meeting someone with such a strong impact and courtship made me feel more comfortable with myself. I wasn't seeing myself beautiful, interesting or attractive and hearing my gf saying all those beautiful things about me rejuvenate me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Samsara121,

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup only 4 days ago, that is hard to go through.  I remember how devastated I was right after my breakup.  I think you are right, that you will cycle through the grieving process many times during your recovery.

I think it's fantastic that you are looking at the issues that may have made such a relationship attractive to you.  That kind of attitude will take you far and fast into your recovery, so I commend you. 

I can relate to your reasons, too.  Like you, I was in a vulnerable state when I met pwBPD, and I also have family of origin (FOO) issues that predispose me to wanting to "help" my partner – the problem was that all his stuff distracted me from looking at my own.

How long were you together with your partner, Samsara?

Keep writing, it really helps! 

[Tausk]

Hey Sammy:

I'm so sorry for your pain.  I don't know the specifics, but you, me and everyone on this board have gone through the pain.  The anger, confusion, betrayal, doubts... .

We're here for you.  It was such a gift for me where people were able to understand and validate my feelings.  Something that my ex never ever did. I lost myself to the Disorder.

It is good that you're trying to look at your side of the street with Family of Origins (FOO) issues.  Looking at my roots and doing the work there is where my freedom is based.  However, it takes time.  Take it easy and give yourself a break.  You're going through a lot, and just being in survival mode might be the best thing.  

Remember HALT. Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Lonely, Angry or Tired.   A nice long walk and meal with a friend and a good nap afterwards is sometimes the best response I have.  

We are here if you want to share, vent, cry, ask for help, or just not feel so alone.Do you have children together?  How long were you with each other?  :)o you live together or apart?  

I learned that there's a tremendous amount of knowledge and support on the boards.  It's been a blessing for me. I hope you can find it that way as well.

In support,

T

[Samsara121]

Hi heart&whole, hi Tausk,

Thank you both for your reply and kind words, I've been in this relationship for 7 months, we weren't living together or had children together.  I've been working steadily on my core issues with a T, I've done 4 therapies so far. I now enjoy my life more and more.

When I met my gf, I was strong, happy and a joyful single person, but I guess still with some core issues.

So when I started to feel scared, heavy and less confident, I knew something wasn't right in the r/s. But I was minimizing her behaviors and was holding on, blinding my own self. It's when she started to verbally abuse me that I withdrew and start looking for help and found this treasure of resources here.

Tonight I was watching this documentary www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikl4GjQHPz4&list=TLkZbKw-my0h53d3LAxE8xatjjC6S453tO

and I was like, wow, she should watch that. And then I was like, it is too much? Am I being that "helper-who-doesn't want-to-see-her-own-issues" or want to feel good about myself?

I know Skip does not recommend to tell our SO about the disease, but being aware of it and all the healing tools available, I think it's worth giving some hope to those suffering from it. What do you think?

I need to heal and take care of myself, and yes I do take long walks with my dog and pay attention to my feelings. My upwBPDexgf has now left town but we'll be back in 1-2 months, so the distance is helping me a lot for now.

And you heart&whole, how long have you been apart? Which stage are you into?

And you Tausk? Have you found yourself back? What have you done specifically?