Help: Mediation Advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have started the mediation process with my xBPDg, as while we were not married, we co-own a house and car together, and have various other financial entanglements that need to be addressed. I should add that I was the one who largely bankrolled this relationship, so I need to be assertive in making certain I am paid back that which she owes me as we divide assets.

We met with the mediator for the first time last week, and I must confess I felt myself slipping into a familiar role - that is, I was inclined to cave to her tears and constant reminder that she is about to be a single woman, and if she doesn't get enough from our division of assets she'll have to live in a rental property the rest of her life, etc. etc. I just want to be fair, though I felt myself wanting to care take while she was looking to get everything she could and appear the helpless victim.

After our first two-hour session with the mediator, we managed to come to some initial agreements, in which I didn't give too much away and she seemed satisfied. Now I'm coming to learn she's not satisfied, and she's looking to roll back some of our agreement from the first mediation session. I shouldn't be surprised, as I can't count how many times in our 6 year relationship she would agree to pay me back for something, then back out, moving the goal posts, and negotiations would start all over again. Her inability to keep any agreement, and the drama that went with it made my head spin. Like being hit with a 2-by-4 in the head. As I'm now hearing her trying to roll back our agreement with the mediator, this same disoriented, anxiety-ridden feeling is coming back, and at times it's very overwhelming.

I'm wondering if anyone here has tried to mediate with their BPDx, and if you have any suggestions/strategies? Most of all, I just want to disentangle myself from her with the minimum of heartache and headache (and legal fees/conflict); I'm also trying to keep my emotional devastation at bay as much as I can so I don't lose sight of my own best financial interests. Any advice/insights would be enormously appreciated!

[ConverseHome]

I have started the mediation process with my xBPDg, as while we were not married, we co-own a house and car together, and have various other financial entanglements that need to be addressed. I should add that I was the one who largely bankrolled this relationship, so I need to be assertive in making certain I am paid back that which she owes me as we divide assets.

We met with the mediator for the first time last week, and I must confess I felt myself slipping into a familiar role - that is, I was inclined to cave to her tears and constant reminder that she is about to be a single woman, and if she doesn't get enough from our division of assets she'll have to live in a rental property the rest of her life, etc. etc. I just want to be fair, though I felt myself wanting to care take while she was looking to get everything she could and appear the helpless victim.

After our first two-hour session with the mediator, we managed to come to some initial agreements, in which I didn't give too much away and she seemed satisfied. Now I'm coming to learn she's not satisfied, and she's looking to roll back some of our agreement from the first mediation session. I shouldn't be surprised, as I can't count how many times in our 6 year relationship she would agree to pay me back for something, then back out, moving the goal posts, and negotiations would start all over again. Her inability to keep any agreement, and the drama that went with it made my head spin. Like being hit with a 2-by-4 in the head. As I'm now hearing her trying to roll back our agreement with the mediator, this same disoriented, anxiety-ridden feeling is coming back, and at times it's very overwhelming.

I'm wondering if anyone here has tried to mediate with their BPDx, and if you have any suggestions/strategies? Most of all, I just want to disentangle myself from her with the minimum of heartache and headache (and legal fees/conflict); I'm also trying to keep my emotional devastation at bay as much as I can so I don't lose sight of my own best financial interests. Any advice/insights would be enormously appreciated!

[Cimbaruns]

ConverseHome

I posted a similar question several weeks ago and was told by many here to be proactive and get my "ducks in a row" so to speak... . and be wary... . mediation with a BPD can be a nightmare!

I took their advice and worked on getting things in order... .

I contacted a mediation attorney and started the ball rolling so to speak... .

Contacted my ex... . told her I was sending some paperwork and for her to review it... .

She reviewed it and contacted me via email and said flat out ... . No... . I'm not going to mediate... .

In my case we aren't entangled with much... . just a car loan... . we have separate accounts... . houses etc... but just asking her to go forward seemed to be a trigger for her... .

I was told to expect the unexpected and the best way is probably just file and move ahead... .

I had been NC for several weeks so I believe that my contact was just enough to send her over the edge... . even though she has a replacement!and seemingly has moved on... .

I recommend the book others here have suggested... . called Splitting.by bill Eddy... . it's a great book to guide you through this process which I believe is a very difficult one for most all of us!

I wish you well in your efforts to move forward... . I am in somewhat the same place... .

Just counting the days when I can finally put all of this behind me

Peace to you through this process