Hard time detaching my heart

[kitsch]

It’s been almost a week since any contact with my ex and just feel awful. I’ve had breakups of relationships  longer in length/seriousness, but this one has left me more confused, alone and desperate than I’ve ever experienced. I start therapy on Tues. and my close friends have been awesome, but still…

here is my intro post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221378.0

So it seems that my 2 year relationship has really ended now after my ex’s two month break/silent treatment  so she could “figure out what she wanted”…but really it was 2 months of her contacting me to profess her love on her terms only and yoyo’d me back and forth. This past Sun. she finally ended it at a restaurant as she told me she doesn't know how to take care of herself in a relationship and that she grieved the relationship already. She lectured me- how if I take time to reflect that I too could be where she is and that I will also see with great clarity we are not to be together. This was  just days after she called me crying,  professing her love saying she wanted me back/ making plans to see me at the very restaurant…”to hold my hand”...  But she took her pleas back the next day via email saying she had poor impulse control.  I met her anyway just to see it through and thought I would feel better but…

I am having the most challenging time detaching my heart from this mess. The waves of depression are so deep and while I know that it could very well be over and I might be left alone I worry for the time to come where she can hurt me again by acting warm and sad as she reaches out. To only yank it back as my heart aches. I am someone who is stable and mentally sound and have never been in this situation before. How in the world did this happen where I have become so wrapped up? I feel like I am in total denial that it is over/ keep longing to hear from her when I know it would be better for me if I accept the end.

[Allmessedup]

Lynn,

I too had a very difficult time detaching with my heart.  I am only 9 weeks out of a 3+ year relationship and it is hard!  So very hard!

I was convinced my world would end without her.  Intellectually, my brain figured out eventually that things had to end.  We were stuck in this awful dance of chaos and pain.

My ex was dx so there was not a lot of doubt there for me... . but asking myself what lead me to be involved with her helped greatly.   It takes two people to make or break a relationship.

I have spent the last 9 weeks reading for hours on this site.  I poured out my heart I well over 100 posts now.  I read the stories and I read and reread and reread again the lessons here.  I poured over many books as well. 

Books on codependency and grief work and most recently I read the book the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson.  It made a ton of sense to me and I wish that I would have read it 9 weeks ago!

What I am saying is that you will find similar stories all over this board. Keep reading and posting it does help.  Know that what your feeling is normal!  Let yourself cry, get angry if you need to. Grieve your loss.  Be gentle with yourself.

For me I needed nc to be able to feel safe enough to even begin processing things.  Are you still in contact with your ex?

Everyone's journey is a bit different just like we are all different.  For me and many others, the healing happens when you begin to turn your focus inward.  It happens just a tiny bit at a time, but it does happen.

We didn't create the disorder in our exes, we cont control it and we can't cure it (I repeat this over and over to myself some days)  however we can look and see what brought us to this person, what kept us there, the role we played and we can heal that.

Right now you are likely very raw.  I know I was!  Be kind to yourself... take care of you.  Sone days early on I would just take things a day, an hour, a minute at a time.    It does get better!

[kitsch]

Thank you so much for your response! I am sorry too that you are going through pain. You seem to be getting along at 9 weeks which is a hopeful time frame for over a 3 year relationship! I guess too as you said, if you go inward it helps speed up the healing process. Easier said than done, right? So far this site has been VERY helpful. I really am trying to look upon the relationship with accountability of how I played a part so looking to find support in lots of ways. I was wondering about that Susan Anderson book, so thanks for mentioning! I have been into audiobooks recently and like "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart" by Susan Piver. It's not BTP specific but on feeling to heal and beginning meditation. I'm on my 4th round! I find it helpful when I randomly have waves of emotions.  Listening to someone who is sound and sane with the hit of a button can be very soothing.

I go back and forth wondering if I am being dramatic and demonizing my ex since she has not been diagnosed. But so much of the information and patterns seem to match, close friends too wonder with me and I just have been trying to wrap my brain around why is THIS breakup SO hard.

My ex is a therapist-so I thought she was someone who could reflect and grow.  OH, she would take time to reflect... . more she would distance herself from me to think. She would come back to share how hurt she was, how much I hurt her. I feel on the whole she and I did not do the damage that she often claimed she felt from our relationship. It seems(ed) to me too that she often acted like a kid that was traumatized and lacked alot of basic coping skills.

I regret that I didn't always respond well to her when we would argue because I didn't fully grasp that possibly I was arguing with someone emotionally underdeveloped. It makes me very sad because I too have worked in the helping profession for years and a very careful and caring person. There were parts of the relationship that were not broken (like our shared creative projects that our relationship was built on).  But the emotional part was for sure destructive. I believe we would have had a chance to have a loving relationship if there was more awareness/ if she knew how much she needed and if there was a diagnosis.   

I am grieving the basic loss of love and then also the fact that I totally accepted this person, faults and all and would have worked with alot ! But she could not handle the pain from our relationship so left me. She actually told me that the main reason she could not be  with me is that she could not deal with my anger. sigh... . I don't think she could deal with her own anger. Anyway, we said our final goodbye (which I had to clarify to ensure that she wasn't meaning something else since she typically avoids, twists things later and flees from all conflict). I don't think there is contact anymore. If she does reach out I am trying to focus on my need to keep NC to ensure the push/pull cycle stops. This NC planning is for sure my growing point. UGH. Thanks again and take care too!

[icecream]

Hello lynnmaryk,

Sorry to read you are having such a hard time.

Try to focus on the fact it has nothing to do with you. You are not the cause of her dysfunction and you cannot change that, no one can ever if she doesnt work on it.

If she is diagnosed or not, there are just things no one needs to take from a partner.

I'm a 37 years old lesbian too who been heartbroken by a 42 years old lesbian who i thought, believed, hoped, felt... was the woman of my life. I would have done anything to take care of her and her needs just because i loved her. Nothing was ever good enough and on top of that i had to watch her flirt with others because i agreed on friendship after a respectless breakup. And still she kept recycle me or triangulate or recieving messages like "i miss you, dont want to loose you, only you understand me... . " while she had a new partner beside her, that she doesnt tell me. Finding out all those things online kept me hooked, obsessed... only then i came to figure out the truth right. But honestly, who wants a partner who you cannot trust, who wants a partner who doesnt take care of YOU after all your efforts? No one... . But i know, it doesnt take away that precious part in your heart what starts to glow when you think of the good and loving times and memories of her love-expressions. And again, it had nothing to do with you but herself. All is about her. And it is exactly that what we allowed and made the relationship dysfunctional as well. We dont have to allow such respectless, egocentric woman to enter our hearts in the first place. Sadly we didnt know when we dropped our guards. But its ok for me anyway to have peace with the fact we cannot control our hearts to feel love or that special feeling, and its ok to leave her there... but expressing our hearts to someone who cant deal with it is no use, infact that is something to learn. Everytime i have a difficult time i start to read here and realize myself how lucky i am to not have her in my life again. Its a big relieve to be free from that drama... . I'm hopefull my heart will erase her one day too, but not going to worry about that anymore. I hope you find a way for yourself to have peace in mind and heart as well... but it takes time, tears, therapy... . take care of yourself! YOU are much more worthed then a dysfunctional partner who doesnt take care of you!

[love2give]

Hello lynnmaryk,

Sorry to read you are having such a hard time.

Try to focus on the fact it has nothing to do with you. You are not the cause of her dysfunction and you cannot change that, no one can ever if she doesnt work on it.

If she is diagnosed or not, there are just things no one needs to take from a partner.

I'm a 37 years old lesbian too who been heartbroken by a 42 years old lesbian who i thought, believed, hoped, felt... was the woman of my life. I would have done anything to take care of her and her needs just because i loved her. Nothing was ever good enough and on top of that i had to watch her flirt with others because i agreed on friendship after a respectless breakup. And still she kept recycle me or triangulate or recieving messages like "i miss you, dont want to loose you, only you understand me... . " while she had a new partner beside her, that she doesnt tell me. Finding out all those things online kept me hooked, obsessed... only then i came to figure out the truth right. But honestly, who wants a partner who you cannot trust, who wants a partner who doesnt take care of YOU after all your efforts? No one... . But i know, it doesnt take away that precious part in your heart what starts to glow when you think of the good and loving times and memories of her love-expressions. And again, it had nothing to do with you but herself. All is about her. And it is exactly that what we allowed and made the relationship dysfunctional as well. We dont have to allow such respectless, egocentric woman to enter our hearts in the first place. Sadly we didnt know when we dropped our guards. But its ok for me anyway to have peace with the fact we cannot control our hearts to feel love or that special feeling, and its ok to leave her there... but expressing our hearts to someone who cant deal with it is no use, infact that is something to learn. Everytime i have a difficult time i start to read here and realize myself how lucky i am to not have her in my life again. Its a big relieve to be free from that drama... . I'm hopefull my heart will erase her one day too, but not going to worry about that anymore. I hope you find a way for yourself to have peace in mind and heart as well... but it takes time, tears, therapy... . take care of yourself! YOU are much more worthed then a dysfunctional partner who doesnt take care of you!

Thank you for this

[Allmessedup]

"I go back and forth wondering if I am being dramatic and demonizing my ex since she has not been diagnosed. But so much of the information and patterns seem to match, close friends too wonder with me and I just have been trying to wrap my brain around why is THIS breakup SO hard."

Someone said on here if you stumbled on this site looking for answers for your relationship problems with your ex likely you can be assured your in the right place.  Normal healthy relationships don't have these issues... . But I understand where you are at!  My ex was diagnosed a long time ago but I still worried about the same things!

As I came out of the FOG I realized it didn't matter anyway.  The relationship was unhealthy and hugely hurtful.

I wondered many times if I was the one with BPD!

My ex and I both worked in mental health... . that doesn't guarantee any form of clarity that's for sure!

It sounds like you are well on your path to healing.  You know what needs to be done, the trick is doing it!  I spent a lot of time wondering how to detach, how to be mindful, how to stop the pain... .   There aren't any clear answers and that is scary in and of itself!

I agree with ice creams post... she had some very wise words for you.

I can tell you for me 9 weeks out is so much better than before.  I miss her still but I don't want her back in my life.  I get sad sometimes but I also have happy days too, it all cycles still but every day it improves a bit more:)

Thank you for the audio book suggestion... . I will add it to my reading list!

Know we are always here for you.  The biggest help going thru this was having someone who could validate my feelings and relate to my experiences... . you will find a wealth of that here!

[kitsch]

Thanks icecream and allmessed up! It's so helpful to hear that there are others out there that have been through similar issues and coming out stronger- with time. Bit, by bit. Especially on this site, unlike other sites I have been on- I find that the stories so ring true and home.   I really don't want to label people/ my ex as being ill, but something about this particular relationship has always been strange and more complicated and unhealthy in ways I could not make sense of until I found this site and started discussing with a few friends of mine that knew her. It's important for me to hear the stories of others and learn  about their breakups with their partners and girlfriends... . how they/ you all got through. I appreciate the stories as well as take notice of what can be typically labeled as unhealthy and then too healthy attachment and detachment.

Icecream... .   This is so true! You hit the nail on the head

expressing our hearts to someone who cant deal with it is no use, in fact that is something to learn

. I hope to really take this on more and make it my MANTRA. So thanks!

I tried so hard throughout to convince my ex of my ability to flex and grow. Not  change for someone, but that with good communication we could respond in different ways to validate if/when needed.  She didn't inform me really about what she needed and how she expected us to deal with conflict until it was way too late. I apologized profusely for not being sensitive enough. And in all of time that is when her ears would perk up, is when we would focus on her feelings and her trauma. It was kind of creepy. One time during our long extended break up, I almost successfully got her back when I talked with her for hours about how I realized that she was emotionally special and I now know. She was like, "tell me more, this is very important for me to know how special".  But I challenged her then, as I felt we had talked about her for so long. Why? Why do I need to give you this info on how I think you are especially special? I asked. YOU can communicate that to me. I would think that we had a groundbreaking conversation, that I reached her to be more independent ... . and then she insisted just in the next day or two that we were just too emotionally different and that I did not create an environment of emotional safety by expressing anger (these things were themes for my ex that now I am seeing as signs that I was never accepted/ she could not deal with me. This in itself should be enough to know that I it''s useless to hand over my heart!) This was typical pattern that happened about 5 times at the end. Even now as I think it is really OVER, I wonder if she is at all really learning what she needs in a relationship. Did I make any dent in my vocalizing that in a healthy relationship you don't ask someone, actually in her case, demand that someone emotionally validate you all night long? I worry that if she has learned that her next partner will enjoy all the fruits of my labor. I know this last part is stupid, but it's a big fear of mine... . as we all grow in someway and the next new partner always seems to get the more learned partner that I worked so hard with.

I honestly don't know what kind of partner is going to be able to handle my ex's critisizm of their emotional world and demands (nothing was ever processed enough, sensitive enough, safe enough, dealt with kindly enough). I imagine some poor waif like yogi/spiritual follower that is shy and innocent and has no clue. 

I'm having issue this week pretty bad how my ex said how I have anger issues and that is the reason that she can't be with me. I feel bad as I reflect for leaving in the middle of several arguments because I felt pushed to my limit, instigated and did not know what else to do. I needed the arguing to stop and I felt a cycle of blame. And because she would blame me for so much I didn't know how to resolve the argument so I would walk out the door for a few hours to try and cool off. Now I struggle with feeling my anger in my grieving because I think to myself... . see, see how angry you are? She was right. You are an angry person.

I yearn for the day that I can say that I do not want my ex in my life. I seem to go between longing and anger. Wanting to see her and missing her and then flipping to being pissed off. Both of the feelings I want to subside... . anger, cause like I mentioned I feel like she is judging me from afar and the longing because I feel like I am slipping into denial of it being over. In longing I am not really accepting or detaching and in anger I am not feeling the total sadness. UGH. But I feel sad too at times. My least favorite/ uncomfortable feeling.

I hope to one day come out of this to see the silver lining... . I am so willing to work hard for a partnership in ways that I never knew that I was before. My desire for partnership and a lifelong commitment with a healthy, compatible partner have become so much more apparent now. In fact, I think that my desire for this goal is part how I got in this mess unlike anytime before.  I hope that with healing that I can eventually be with someone who can accept themselves as much as they accept me and I accept me ... . and that they will never take all what I can give, though they see how giving I am. I have had been in longer relationships where my partner did not need so much and ask for so much. So for that I am hopeful it can happen again with the new learning that I have from this failed relationship.

Thanks again all for your stories and input. You really are helping me get through, learn and understand.

[icecream]

Its so enlightning to be here... . to write and read is a huge learning lynnmaryk and Allmessedup, the experience we had with our exes made us experts. Not on a field i was planning to... but the questions in the aftermath of these relationships forced us some learnings. You have to, to survive... . because it eats you alive.

As i can read you are commited partners too as myself, we wanted to make it work, we wanted to give it our best shot for our partners, and thats why we pushed our own bounderies or values aside aswell... . i didnt notice until after this FOG clears as Allmessedup describes.

The thing what drove me is the intensity of this relationship. Something what i hadnt experienced before with someone else. No one was ever that intens from the start as she was to me. And then everything beautiful turned into a terrible silence. The fact we cant stop our mind spinning or heart longing for them started to made me think she must be my "true love" because even after so much crap... i still longed for her, so she must be "the one"... . this thinking made me give in everytime she showed up again, or when i was on her radar temporary. I started to force myself to take distance, by everytime i started to think of the good times i forced myself to think of the bad ones instead, the horrible actions, the disrespectfull words, that matters... . and that helped me starting to heal, detaching mentally, really that clears the air and makes you see things from a distance... . no, no more of that, that isnt the purpose of a healthy and stable relationship were two can grow and be good for eachother. It should be an equal give/take thing. I'm not "cured" completely either but am on a good road and its gets more clear every day.

Many of the stories here ring a bell in my experiences, and i have found many answers. The BPD-label doesnt really matter anymore for me, its written all over here and so thats label enough... . If you think that too, it does give a frame to how to look for yourself how to deal with your struggles and questions. Writing, reading, friends, family, workout,... . we grow and come out better then before! And as for our exes... . who ever will pick the flowers we worked so hard for in our exes garden... . you know what... . they can have it all, i'm not intrested anymore... . all roses have thorns! i will make a beautiful garden somewhere else. Stay close to yourself, be good for your heart

[tango1492]

My therapist says it's simple... . why I was attracted to my BPD ex. He legitimately had some amazing qualities that I really wanted in a partner. Is it possible we're beating ourselves up too much about why and how we got drawn in? There must be a lot of people who saw some really wonderful qualities in their BPD partner and hence it's not that black and white. When you get a lot of what you're looking for, you take the bad with the good... . until you realize that the bad outweighs the good.