Do they always want you to spend a ton of money on them?

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am just wondering if this is one of those BPD traits or maybe just our DD's personality?  She is constantly wanting us to buy her things (typical teenage behavior there I know), but for several years now DH and I have noticed that she always gravitates to the most expensive of whatever it is we are searching for.  If she needs shoes, they have to be from the mall and when she finds the store she likes, almost always the most expensive pair.  When we go out to eat, has no problem with wanting to order the most expensive thing on the menu.  Clothes, has to be certain brands from certain stores and again, in the more expensive price ranges.  I know this is nowhere near our biggest problem with our BPD kids, but it is frustrating and I am wondering if its just her, or part of the illness?  I also worry that when she becomes an adult she is going to be in major debt before she is 19, seriously.  By the way, our older two kids were never like this and though we try to provide for all of their needs and some of their wants, we are not wealthy and not an indulgent family and she knows this!  Maybe its the fact that she is adopted and wants us to constantly prove her love for her by purchasing the most expensive stuff? 

Thanks for any insight you have!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trainwreck4]

My BPD17 doesn't necessarily gravitate towards expensive items, but if she wants shoes, she expects us to take her IMMEDIATELY to the mall which is a full hour away. She really doesn't care if we have time, if its a blizzard, or if we don't have the money for whatever her whim of the moment is. She has a sense of entitlement that our other three don't have and she is very quick to point out our something or other is not to her standards. It is very disheartening, because my husband and I make many sacrifices to ensure our kids have the things they want within reason, and none of the others act like spoiled brats. For us it isn't so much the price of her demands, but the urgency behind them and the next day, it could be a brand new demand.

[hopeangel]

Yes this is my problem too mine wants the best of everything and sees it as being ill-treated if she doesn't get these despite the fact she is nearly 23!

I have had some success explaining my financial situation to her but the flip side of that is she now feels my work to be pointless and self-indulgent since it isn't making me rich enough to treat her so she sees my work as 'competition' for my attention without any reward for her!

She is not adopted but I do feel the BPD makes a child need to set tests to 'prove' your love, the trouble is you can never pass these tests adequately!

This is something I am really working on with my boundaries, I am now defending my right not to go broke with all my inner strength!

[lever.]

My DD was very much like this as a teen. She always wanted the most expensive clothes etc. Underneath she lacked a lot of confidence and I think that was part of the reason.

In her late teens and early 20s she was very bad with money. She had very little money but still bought expensive clothing etc. Once she had a child this has stopped. I think this is a mixture of her feeling a bit better in herself and gradually learning from consequences. We HAVE bailed her out but not to the point where she hasn't felt the consequences to some degree

.My DD does seem to set up tests to prove my love but she does this by setting up situations where I have to "choose" between her and other people, most usually her sister.

[ilusa26]

My daughter is 29 and still spends way too much money.  not necessarily expensive items. but she wants everything right then and there.  Can not wait.

[mybonnie]

It's been the case in my situation with our daughter.  She makes (in her mind) very strong cases as to why she is owed continued financial help and support. When she gets it, she is grateful for a short period of time and then the thankfulness disappears never to be seen again. I once spent almost three weeks painting, redecorating, deep cleaning her apartment. It all means nothing to her now and if forced to acknowledge it she says, "Okay, so you helped me clean my house once."   I've tried and tried to get her to budget her money to no avail.  She blows through money... . "loaning" it to others, eating out, shopping... . and when it's gone she rages at me that I caused her to lose the money.  She rationalizes it's my fault by saying I had her in such a state of mind that she had no choice.

[jellibeans]

My dd16 has always been like this and I think it stems from not having a lot of self confident... . she needs new clothes contantly... . new hair color... . shoes... . new phone... . new car... . and on and on. She has so many clothes you can barely get into her room because most of them are on the floor. I feel my dd is very empty and she needs these things to fill her up. It is very hard to keep her demands in check. She has a job now so I am hoping she can buy her own clothes. Even when she buys new clothes she gets them home and doesn't like them... . she has slothes with the tags on still in the bag but she won't return them... . just another one of those things I don't understand.

[Kate4queen]

Actually, that's all my son requires from us-money. We aren't allowed to have any communication unless   he is asking for help for $. In his last email he told us to just shut up and give him $20K because we can afford it... .

He tells everyone that all we care about is money, which is interesting and then that's all he asks us for because he can't really ask for anything else seeing as we're evil monsters.

Sigh... .

[qcarolr]

My BPDDD27 is really good at triggering my guilt about mistakes I have made as a parent, and then I allow this to undermine my resolve with boundaries about money and 'stuff' with her. My T has suggested I figure out how to forgive myself for these 'grains of truth' in her statements to me. Still working on this.

DD feels very entitled to our support for her whole life when she is in the state of mind about what horribly abusive parents we have been. My take is this is real for her, in her mind. Other times she is very appreciative for help we provide financially and otherwise and says she feels bad for being so needy.

Slowly I am learning that I can only control myself and I need to be firm and consistent with what I will and will not do for her. She will keep asking, I have to find a greater degree of comfort with myself in saying 'no' and meaning it. And not responding from my feelings of anger or feeling manipulated.

I do have some assumptions though, and cannot read DD's mind or live in her life to know how accurate they are. She does feel very lonely and empty much of the time. She manages this in many ways that feel dysfunctional from my point of view. And from most other mature adults point of view. And from the peers that are no longer wanting to be involved in her life. She says everyone she talks to agrees with her point of view - ie. we are evil abusive parents when things are not going her way.  This is a lot of projection onto me so she can avoid internalizing her part in the consequences of her life.

It is up to me to take care of my money, be prepared for the reaction from DD, and to not feel guilty that somehow I am letting her or myself down in saying no. It is up to me to step back and let her experience the results of her part in things.

This is such hard work - being a parent of my BPD D.

qcr

[snowwhite]

I saw this in my former husband (BPD). The clothes thing started when we moved to San Francisco from Utah. He discovered a store that sold custom made suits and shirts. He had a very expensive suit made for himself then raged at me for buying two suits at the mall for my work that together cost one-fourth of what his one had cost. He began talking about having his shirts custom made and buying $500 pairs of shoes. We did not have near that kind of money. His second wife later told me he had his clothes custom made while she was expected to buy her clothes at KMart.

I think they get the same feeling all of us get from buying something new, a sense of elation. But they lack the ability to provide themselves with this sense of elation in other ways, such as through accomplishing work. I think this buying provides a rush of seratonin to the brain, which they are desperately in need of.

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am sorry you all are dealing with this too!  Thank you so much for shedding some light on the reason - emptiness and needing the adrenaline rush!  I hadn't really thought of the emptiness and lack of self-esteem creating this need, but it makes total sense!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pizzas123]

Yes yes yes!  My daughter wants and expects all the best, looks down her nose at anything "cheap".  Pattern: Brief gratefulness, then all is forgotten and I am unsupportive once again.  I ask myself why I keep falling into the same trap?  Maybe I'm buying love, buying something that brings happiness to daughter to help her, maybe guilt, a short-lived happier demeanor from her... . probably all of those things.  I think my husband and I are finally done, though.  We have been first class enablers, no doubt!  This Christmas she asked for a Chanel bag, believe it or not.  (She didn't get one, by the way!)