How to prepare myself for a possible meeting with my ex?

[Dog biscuit]

Next week mutual friends are trowing a housewarming party, and invited me. The break up and all the turmoil, got me isolated from friends and I really want to go to this housewarming party to get myself out of isolation and to reconnect with these friends. A few days ago they told me my ex invited himself to the party, and they accepted. So there is a possibility he will be there also.

I will make it a last moment decision to attend the party or not, but what is there for me to do in preparation if I decide to go and to run into my ex?

I've contacted two friends that will be there also and they have an understanding of the situation, they offered their emotional support, and that feels truly great.

But I wonder what to expect if I run itno him at the party, and what to do?

Any tips from members?

[Tolou]

Hi,

I think you need to ask yourself if your ready to be around this person, especially in a social setting among friends.  I don't know the exact situation, if you can avoid being around him and he causes you pain and discomfort sometimes you need to do whats best for you?  I personally wouldn't go, if I'm going somewhere to get out and have a good time, thats the last palce I want to be, around someone that caused me pain.  Eye contact, possible interaction etc... . just makes for a akward situation. If you think you can be mature and handle it emotionally or just see where your at, then maybe you should? But just ask yourself what that run in might make you feel like... . if you go have some boundaries that you will stick... . with. Don't get to personal if he tires to communicate etc... . don't allow him to know any of your feeling or thoughts, their non-of his business anymore.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Dog biscuit, I think you have a good idea getting out socially with your friends after being isolated. It also can be triggering for you to run into your ex at the party. How strong do you feel emotionally? Do you think you can talk with him without bringing up your past relationship or emotions?

Everybody's situation is unique, but at one time my T suggested to me that I shouldn't avoid places simply to avoid my ex. He did suggest that it wasn't necessary to get into any extended conversion with her, simply to be business-like, pleasant but not truly exchanging any personal info, to just make small talk you'd have with a stranger that you don't really want to talk with.

Since you have friends that will be at the party who are understanding of your situation, you could ask them to help bail you out in an emergency, either to occupy you or him so you two have limited contact. You can also set a boundary for yourself that you will not discuss anything related to your relationship, that if he brings it up you will tell him that you are not interested in talking about that at this time and then turn away and disengage from him if he persists. If you think you are strong enough not to get dragged into any discussion, then this strategy could work for you.

Alternatively if you still feel too traumatized by the relationship, you can go and simply leave with a quiet thank you and goodbye to the hosts when he shows up.

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks for your reply's!

I am not sure if I will feel strong enough, acctually i dont think so, but I have to fake it, I guess.

I am not sure of attending the party, but i dont want to hide anymore, it doesnt feel right or good to isolate myself in this manner. It will affect me to run into him, no doubt. But it is something I have to go trough because we share mutual friends... .

I dont want to engage with him in any way, and the space is big enough to avoid each other. But I worry that he will approach me.

Your tips are helpfull, I prepare myself for not engaging with my ex, and if it feels to heavy I will leave the party.

I dont want to talk to him in any way.

[LA4610]

Everyone's situation is different and the decision is yours and yours alone to make. I would advise you to not "wait until the last minute" to make the decision though. Weigh the pro's and con's, make a list, etc. Personally, I wouldn't go (easy for me to say now as I had a situation like this and chose to go). If they are your friends they will make the time to hang out with you at some other point.

[babyducks]

I run into my EX all the time.   She has made a point of being in public places that it is likely I will be at.   

I try to use my 'wise mind' to make good decisions about when and for how long I should be exposed to contact.   

I set limits about how long I will hang if she turns up.

I practice one liners that derail or stop conversations I do not want to participate in.

I look at my own goals and reasons for attending events.

I attempt to be true to my own values and idea about how mature people should act in public.

I am VERY careful to not add drama to the already volatile situation.

Shortly after we split I ended up at social event and she was placed as the same table I was.   I made the decision to not make a scene and spoil the event for others.   That was the right thing for me to do.  I got through it.  And now I can laugh about it.

I did find it harder to detach and the contact sometimes sent me spinning.

But all and all it was a good thing.   Today I have no fear of seeing her.

Good Luck

[Surnia]

Hi Dog biscuit

like others said, i think its a good step to go out to see friends and not avoid all this only because of him. Yes, it needs courage - its like stepping out of the own comfort zone.

Great preparation step to contact understanding friends about your situation. And like you said it, you can always leave - and you don't have to speak with him. My trick in similar situations is: If I need a break I go to the toilet.

Hang in there, Dog biscuit.  

[growing_wings]

i dont want to hide anymore, it doesnt feel right or good to isolate myself in this manner. It will affect me to run into him, no doubt. But it is something I have to go trough because we share mutual friends... .

Hi Dog biscuit... .

we cant  keep running away forever . I think you are aware that running into him might affect you, so you are preparing yourself for it, which is the what i would do as well.

others have said already, but i would keep the conversation civil, but short and not personal, not emotional. Cut the conversation if it goes in a direction where you feel uncomfortable.

a step at the time. Give yourself the freedom to walk out if you dont feel well at the party. go with what feels right

but i think is brave to get out... .

and from now until the party, dont over think too much about it... just keep healing, keep working on you, keep getting confident

let us know how it goes

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks so much for the support and wise words!

Frankly I feel scared about it.

others have said already, but i would keep the conversation civil, but short and not personal, not emotional. Cut the conversation if it goes in a direction where you feel uncomfortable.

I feel scared because I dont know if I can keep a civil, short, not personal nor emotional response towards him at this point in time.

I think he will try to get my attention, be it positive or negative... .

I guess that he will want to make me look bad or as the crazy one. He needs to look like a victim, and he will create a no -win situation for me.  I am not sure why but I suspect that he ( if he will attend the party) come up to me and say something like:

"Lets get over this/Lets burry the hatched and act civil towards each other shall we?" If I will say "no thanks", im the evil resentfull one, if I say okay, it will look like nothing severe happend to us, and he will look like the good guy again.ARGHHHH... . I know this is not happend yet, but my gut tells me this is something I must be prepared for.

And I really dont want to engage with him at all. I DO NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM!

But I really feel that I must attent the party for my own sake and health... . it will do me good and it will be nerfwrecking at the same time. :'(

Ughhh, how I hate this position!

[seeking balance]

I feel scared because I dont know if I can keep a civil, short, not personal nor emotional response towards him at this point in time.

Dog Biscuit,

I have read this thread - it sounds a lot like "shoulds" to me... . I should go, I should be able to, etc.

No, you cannot hide forever, but you also don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation until you are ready.  This is about self awareness and your own needs.

What do you NEED for you?

Peace,

SB

[Dog biscuit]

Dog Biscuit,

I have read this thread - it sounds a lot like "shoulds" to me... . I should go, I should be able to, etc.

No, you cannot hide forever, but you also don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation until you are ready.  This is about self awareness and your own needs.

What do you NEED for you?

Peace,

SB

I dont know... . :'(

There are a lot of shoulds indeed! I want to go to a party and engage with friends, I want to get out of this isolation. I do not want him to be there, I do not want to be treathend by the presence of him  possibly attending every party in my social circle.

I want to break the spell, I want to break the fear, I need to in order to breathe and to feel free and secure again.

I need to feel free and connected amongst friends again.

I dont know... .

[seeking balance]

There are a lot of shoulds indeed! I want to go to a party and engage with friends, I want to get out of this isolation.

WHY?

Specifically - why this party and why these friends?

[jynx]

Dog biscuit,

I also would go.  You see, my exh did this to me.  We have grandchildren.  I had asked if he could take 1/2 of the birthday parties and I take 1/2.  He wouldn't do that and I ended up not going, because I didn't want to, cause I just didn't want to see him.  It seems like your ex is doing the same.  He probably knew you were invited, so he invited himself so that you would isolate yourself, and eventually alienate your friends.  

My suggestion, (and btw, wish I would have done this)----  #1  :)ON'T DRINK... .  don't think that needs any further explanation.  

#2  The friends that are having this party... .  Tell them that you want to help out with the party, whether it is cleaning up, serving food, or whatever.  If he comes near you, just make an excuse that you have to go get something, or need to clean something.  :)on't get in any round and round you go conversations with him.  :)on't allow him to make your head spin.  Get away asap.  

You have friends that are aware of what you will be going thru.  Have some kind of a signal with them, so they come over to interrupt.

Walk away, you don't have to listen to it.

[Dog biscuit]

Because I do not want to feel this isolated any longer, its not good for me.

This party is the first one where there is litteraly enough space to avoid him, and there will be a lot of people I really like to be around with.

I dont want to feel cornered or isolated any longer by him.

[Dog biscuit]

 He probably knew you were invited, so he invited himself so that you would isolate yourself, and eventually alienate your friends.  

Yes, I think this is what he is doing ever since the b/u.

I dont drink. I dislike the taste of alchohol, so that wont be a problem for me.

Thanks for the tips, asking if I can help and the handsignal thing is a really good one.

[jynx]

Also, expect anything and everything.  You don't know what tactic he will be using

He may show up with a girlfriend

He may try to recycle

Remember, he knows what buttons to push.

No matter how you are feeling, do not react to him.  Go in the kitchen to help out.  Go to the bathroom to regain composure.  Know that it is going to be hard, but he is trying to take the mutual friends from you. 

In your scenario of what you expect him to do, you set yourself up in a lose/lose situation with him.  Instead set yourself up in a win/win situation with yourself.

Do not engage.

[seeking balance]

Because I do not want to feel this isolated any longer, its not good for me.

OK - is this your only friend outlet?

Have you seen these people without him around since the breakup -why or why not?

I ask you this because if your EX invited himself and they said "yes" knowing your history - are these people a safe emotional environment for you - meaning, do you have someone there who "has your back"?

This party is the first one where there is litteraly enough space to avoid him, and there will be a lot of people I really like to be around with.

I dont want to feel cornered or isolated any longer by him.

This is not really at issue - honestly.  Him cornering you may or may not happen - having your mind set to simply walk away or the smile & nod then walk away is easy to do and completely acceptable. 

[growing_wings]

hey Dog Biscuit,

I know I am deviating a bit from the topic of you attending the party... . if the issue is that he invited himself to a party where there is people you really enjoy being around... . then why don't YOU throw a party where you control the guests?

i get the following points from the posts (I might be wrong here, so ignore if it does not make sense:

1. You don't want to feel isolated anymore

2. You are annoyed at the presence of your ex, and that is giving you a strong inner conflict: going there but with your ex there... .

3. you want to be around people you like.

So, make your own party, in your own terms, where you will feel the most secure. and if he was the crazy idea to invite himself, then you just say: eerhh... No thanks ... .

It worked for me. I threw my own party where I invited the friends I wanted in my house , where I felt safe and ok. this was a bit of a turning point for me, being surrounded by friends I like without my ex around, and without the fear of she turning up to gatherings where I would feel insecure.

a bit of a different answer to your question, but I wanted to share it as a different perspective. You wanting to re-connect with your own friends is very important, therefore is important for you to feel secure and well... . not the opposite.

just a thought... .

[jynx]

hey Dog Biscuit,

I know I am deviating a bit from the topic of you attending the party... . if the issue is that he invited himself to a party where there is people you really enjoy being around... . then why don't YOU throw a party where you control the guests?

i get the following points from the posts (I might be wrong here, so ignore if it does not make sense:

1. You don't want to feel isolated anymore

2. You are annoyed at the presence of your ex, and that is giving you a strong inner conflict: going there but with your ex there... .

3. you want to be around people you like.

So, make your own party, in your own terms, where you will feel the most secure. and if he was the crazy idea to invite himself, then you just say: eerhh... No thanks ... .

It worked for me. I threw my own party where I invited the friends I wanted in my house , where I felt safe and ok. this was a bit of a turning point for me, being surrounded by friends I like without my ex around, and without the fear of she turning up to gatherings where I would feel insecure.

a bit of a different answer to your question, but I wanted to share it as a different perspective. You wanting to re-connect with your own friends is very important, therefore is important for you to feel secure and well... . not the opposite.

just a thought... .

I kinda like this response.  Sometimes I forget to remember I had a longer history with my ex.   We were married over 27 years and his friends are my friends and my friends are his friends.  I have never asked my friends to drop him.  "Our" friends gave me the way out of my relationship.  They offered me their home, I took them up on it.  I never asked my friends to not speak to him again.  He never did anything to them.  They will still see him, even though I have been with them for over 5 years, (did buy my own house 3 years ago).  I even encourage it.  It's OK with me. 

I have my sons wedding coming up in June.  I need to be there.  My friends will be there with me for emotional support.  They will probably speak with my ex, but it's OK.  Maybe I am further into recovery then I thought I was.       

[SWLSR]

D.B.

as has been said all situations are not the same.  But I think you should go.  stay away from him at the party talk to others but go.  if you don't you are giving him power and he will use it.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Dog biscuit, if you really want to go to this party, do you have a close friend who understands your situation that is willing to be your "chaperone"? This person could intervene if need be and simply deflect your ex by directly telling him that you don't want to speak to him when he tries to engage you. This way you can avoid talking with him at all since this is your desire. Somebody level headed yet stubborn and stern would be best.

I also like growing_wings idea for throwing your own future party as well. 

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Dog biscuit, if you really want to go to this party, do you have a close friend who understands your situation that is willing to be your "chaperone"? This person could intervene if need be and simply deflect your ex by directly telling him that you don't want to speak to him when he tries to engage you. This way you can avoid talking with him at all since this is your desire. Somebody level headed yet stubborn and stern would be best.

I also like growing_wings idea for throwing your own future party as well.  

Thanks Learning Curve! This is precisly what I did! I had two amazing chaperones, who were watching me like watch dogs, they did not leave my side, and eventually I felt very safe due to their presence.

So, I went! I went! And it was a good thing to do.

I gave myself space to bail out at the last minute, but I went ahead, it was something I needed to do!

During the day I was very nervous and a bit anxious, doubting if attending the party would be a snmart thing to do, and if it wouldnt make things worse instead of good. I prepared myself as much as I could, I practised a blank stare and a neutral response ( just practised saying 'No, and No thanks as neutral as possible)  if he would approach me at the party.

He was there. It felt like he was circling me a bit, but I am not sure because iI just ignored him. When I went to the toilet I ran accros him and when he saw me, he bowed his head down and looked ashamed ( but thats my interpretation).

It went well, and I am very glad I did go. I expected to have a strong physical reaction when I would see him, but I didnt. I felt nothing.

There where some "friends" who acted stiff towards me, but thats okay with me, it points out who is neutral and who is not.

I felt like I had nothing to loose, if I choose so I never have to see those people again, ill manage on my own and with the very few unexpected friends that were there for me during this party.

It feels like some kind of closure. I saw him, I saw how my former best friend was nervous in  my presence, I saw who backed away and who approach me to have a little friendly chat. I saw him and my fear towards him diminished. I took control back again. And I acctually really had a nice evening thanks to the chaperones and the clarity I got from attending this party.

Thanks soo much for all your support and wise words!

Oh my I feel so relieved now!

[Surnia]

Dog biscuit,

These are great news. 

Yes, taking back control. 

I had even to chuckle a bit about practising a blank stare. Thats the way it goes. Well done, you can be proud of yourself.

I guess some of your energy is back right now?

[Dog biscuit]

Thanks Surnia! 

Yes, I feel a bit more alive, and like a weight is lifted of my shoulders. For the first time in three and a half months I feel good.

Practising a blank stare was really good excercise for me  , I have a face that shows my emotions instantly, so practise was nessecary.

It was scary, I was scared to go, but I did it, and I took back control.

[Surnia]

Practising a blank stare was really good excercise for me  , I have a face that shows my emotions instantly, so practise was nessecary.

Some more practice and you can even attend a poker tournament. 

[growing_wings]

Oh my I feel so relieved now!

great stuff! you have stood your ground!

excellent DB! keep moving and reclaiming your power...  

[nolisan]

At Xmas time I saw my ex for the first time driving through town. That was after over a year of NC and no sightings (she moved).

Even that "interaction at a distance" shook me up.

For me it will be better if I never see her again.