Is it possible?

[Carter]

Hi everyone,

First of all, thanks to all on here.

I'm wondering, is it possible that a person, namely me, can move very quickly through the process that goes along with having been in a long relationship (25 years), and marital breakup.

A little background here, about 4 years ago, the first separation happened and with it a suicide attempt, at which point I learned about BPD's existence,

I then began immersing myself in activities and pursuits to help myself heal,(mainly faith based programs and such), after 9 months we reconciled, and December 2012, BPDw left.

I find myself really not concerned with whatever she may or may not be doing and the only real concern I have is getting the legal separation and divorce done.

It is hard to understand how I could go from a place of enabling bad behaviour at the expense of myself and daughter to almost complete emotional detachment so quickly.

[Tausk]

Are you asking if it possible for you to detach so quickly?   

If that is your question, I would say it's individual for each person and each situation. 

However, from what I've read on the this board, if the detachment occurs without deep introspection as to why I entered the relationship in the first place, then I'm very vulnerable to reenter a similar relationship again. 

Only you can determine your own mental health.  Only you can decide if you processed the experience or simply repressing the negative emotions. 

I have a hard time letting go of my dreams.  It's due to my FOO issues and living in a idyllic FOG most of my life.

[woodsposse]

I agree. 

I think there is a difference between processing and acceptance... . and just burying it.

When my initial separation happened, I really thought I was fine and could let it go and move on.  Yes I was grieving and would have loved to have it work and we could fix it... . but intellectually I knew it wasn't going to happen.  Alhough I put on a good face in public, at work and so on - I was a mess inside.

When I ventured back out and started dating a delightful woman, my (soon to be) ex came crashing back in.  NOt so much because she thought it was a mistake to separate but because I was totally no longer going to be there for her (even in some strange pipeline she could use in recycles).

Although we never got back together, just having the door open just prolonged the actually detachment.  It was like slowly pulling off the bandaid.  Luckily, as the natural detachment started happening I was in theraphy anyway (which helped)... . but it wasn't until I found this site that all the pieces fell right into place - and then there was peace.

I don't mourn the loss any longer - I don't need my questions answered or look to her for any validation (because I know I will never get it).  After almost 20 years with her, I end up totally painted black... . and... . get even more painted black as I try to move on and piece my life back together/?

Only you can know how you feel - but anything is possible.

I do hope you find the peace you need (and will eventually find).  Maybe you need to focus on you for a change. I'm sure you feel it is about time.