It wasn't until after the end of the relationship that I started to research my ex's behaviors and found the BPF Family forum. It has been a tremendous help in being able to relate others experiences with mine to help remove the "I'm crazy" thoughts and focus on some of the things I overlooked or missed in our time together
During what I have learned was the 3rd recycle, I really believed we were in a committed relationship and I had no reason to not believe the things she had told me about her horrible past, her values, her goals, and the attributes of what I saw as a strong woman who had overcome much adversity
I am still detaching and find myself thinking, trying to better understand her actions from the past. This latest "discovery" has me wondering if she was cheating on me the entire relationship or did the cheating only begin as she went through the devaluation, find another replacement phase that ultimately was what ended the relationship.
Keep in mind most of this information is based on what my ex told me or said to me, some of the items I have been able to confirm, but I would like some opinions from this experienced folks on this board
Middle of the summer, my ex is spending the weekend at my house but I had a Saturday morning event I needed to attend. After I finish, I call her to check in and when I will be home so we could go on with the rest of our plans for the day. She tells me she is lost downtown while looking for houses. Keep in mind in the 3 years I have known her she always said she was going to move to the city, and I gave her numerous realtors and financing companies where I had contacts, never once did anything but move to different house in the country And the area she was lost in downtown is known more for the crime than the nice houses
I didn’t think anything of it until I noticed a post of Facebook from this male friend of hers, I’ll call him Jack. Very cryptic post about how amazing his morning was and he can’t go into details, but his friends should trust him it was special. I knew of the male friend, I knew he also lived downtown and I had made comments previously that I thought “I’m pretty sure he kinda likes you”. She admitted he has always had a crush on her since high school. She said nothing could ever happen between them because he is black and being with a black man would be beyond reprehensible. I believed that because, while I would not call her a racist, she had made the occasional derogatory comments about people of color who don’t have goals or morales. I also think what she told me about her upbringing and her family, they would not be approving of an interpersonal relationship of any kind
So I’ve got the cryptic facebook post, I’ve got what I now believe is an omission of truth because while she may have looked at houses, she failed to comment about seeing Jack.
Weeks later, I am informed that Jack has offered her a room in his house for rent. At the time I didn’t know about
Triangulation, but I did say I’m not sure she wants to live in that neighborhood and it would be kinda weird knowing my girlfriend decided to move in with another man who she knows has feelings for her. Her response was she wasn’t seriously considering it because she doesn’t like cats
Another few weeks go by and my ex, Jack, and Jack’s girlfriend/fiancee go rock climbing. I meet up with ex afterwards, I had to work, and hear stories of all this danger and doing things that if she slipped she was falling 100 feet onto rocks. She didn’t have the right shoes and equipment but she still managed to do these things anyway with the help of Jack making her get out of her comfort zone. She tells me after the rock climbing, they are all having drinks and she is telling me how she is going on and on about me to Jack and his girlfriend. How happy she is and wish she could stay longer but she had “plans with her man”. Next day the story becomes that while having drinks, Jack spent the whole time gushing over her and the fiancée got angry and they decided to break up. Basically, she is all but telling me she broke them up. My comments were it sounded like something she should stay out of if causing a rift and they were considering marriage.
Facebook posts from Jack on my ex’s page continue throughout the summer. I would describe them as flirty, in some cases maybe a little over the top, and often using the term “good friend” in quotations. I still trusted her because I didn’t feel anything was being hidden from me. At the time my gut was not telling me she was cheating
Jack is in a band and during a night out for dinner, my ex tells me the band is playing nearby and if I’d like to go. We went to see the show, didn’t think anything out of the ordinary occurred, actually had a good time. Next day facebook posts from Jack on how amazing it was to see all these familiar faces, especially my ex’s. I didn’t know about
Triangulation but doesn’t this seem to be a perfect example?
Now Jack is asking her to go to Europe with the band for a few weeks to end the summer. They were good but not good enough to be touring Europe
I gave it one of those “hmmmm” responses and then she tells me the female lead singer wants her to go to. I jokingly say she probably wants you for herself, and she replies “probably”.
Next come the accusations of me cheating on her, including something I had posted previously on this site about my concerns that it was her that manufactured the evidence of my cheating as I never came close to anything that could be conceived as cheating. Is this the projection of her shame onto me because she was in fact cheating on me with Jack?
The last red flag for this was during our break-up and after she had moved onto the current replacement within days of being in my bed. Her response to me when I called her out on spending time with another man while “working things out” was that “I didn’t have to worry about it being Jack or anyone from her hometown” (she wouldn’t mention the guy from hometown by name directly but it was the guy I found out later that he was my first replacement and then I was the replacement for him). I was floored that her comments were don’t worry about these two other guys from her recent past that she could be seeing, as if I should be relieved that the replacement wasn’t somebody I knew.
So for the knowledgeable and wise on this site…what are your thoughts? Cheating all summer?
