1 year on from my breakup and breakdown... another anniversary

[Calm Waters]

So it was about this time a year ago when I finally had to accept that the relationship with her was over. I had read a lot about BPD over the course of a couple months since I was dumped and turned black and finally decided to go and try and reason with her. I knocked on her door expecting to at least have a conversation but instead had it slammed in my face and the police were called. This event sent me in to a tailspin that culminated in a breakdown, 4 months off work and a hell of s struggle to pull myself out of the depression and suicidal thoughts. I suppose I have done well but I still think about her a lot, luckily I havent seen her, not even on the road for 11 months but I still avoid the next town where she lives. I cant help wondering what is happening in her life, and whilst I try to get angry about what happened and how damaged with BPD she is I feel mostly pity for her and for me at the loss of what seemed at first like a promising relationship. Over the last year apart from all this my mother has died ( she was BPD) my Brother has cancer for the third time (9 months of Chemo) and my youngest son has had the most terrible issues with irritable bowel and anxiety disorder. Its been one hell of a year but I have coped well and learned a lot. The hardest part is that she is the only girlfriend of the many I have had who has parted with me on bad terms, the pain of the no contact or closure from her and ignominy of the police turning up will last a long time. I will eventually be able to let go.

[Rojo]

I can relate with you completely. I also went over to her place to try to have a conversation, instead the police were phoned for no reason. It is confusing when you are very close to someone and then they pretend you never existed.

Sorry to hear about your tough year, I have dealt with a lot as well not to your extent though. Furthermore, I gave up trying to understand why she would behave this way. A defense mechanism for sure. The police is just another slap in the face on top of the other abusive behaviors. Its amazing how similar these stories can be.

Wish you well... .

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for your brave post, and your self-reflection.   It helps me.  I had not been to start letting go of my ex-gf until I found this community.

I've done so much reading in the four months since abandonment, and I've collected a number of quotes that help me process things.   The writer and Buddhist nun Pema Chodron says that "nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."

I've been trying to get to the heart of why I held on, and I've slowly been realizing I was "hooked" because I got certain things from the relationship that I could not give to myself, like affirmation and validation.   When the door slammed in my face, I felt myself ripped apart.   Until I found this community, I felt abandoned, and I longed for some hint that she actually loved me.  Or that I had been replaced.

I started to "unhook" when I read how others let go.   They turned the focus back on themselves.  They stopped listening to the inner-critic (which, in my case, took the voice of my xBPDgf, who loved to shame and blame and psychoanalyze everyone, except herself).

Letting go is a process.  You are doing great, especially in the face of other life events.  

Be kind to yourself.  It goes a long way.