Damned if you do and damned if you don't ?

[Stalwart]

If anyone followed at all I found out after a massive break apart following the breakup of an extended affair just what was wrong with my wife. Given time and real difficulties she was diagnosed and is now in therapy and doing extremely well. We both are. Learning finally what was really wrong with her after misdiagnosis after another over the years was a god-sent. It gave me the tools and knowledge to go forward and change myself. This site has been so valuable in learning how to do that well. That has changed the entire dynamics of our relationship. She has also contributed a great deal at working on herself. Actually a real success story so far, a year down the road. I can honestly say of the ten years of marriage we’ve spent together, the last one has far exceeded all of the rest in both happiness and togetherness in a constant and meaningful way on both our parts.

But hey, like all of us it isn’t without a constant need to vigilance and working toward that goal. The difference is, now the frustration of it all is long gone and it’s actually “not bad work if you can find it” because there’s been such great developments in our relationship. Still I remain guarded, I don’t think that’s anything a person in this situation can rid themselves of, and probably shouldn’t.

The problem I have, and suggestions I’m seeking, pertain to her constant need down the road to say things that are still so insensitive about the affair and the relationship she had with this other person. It fell apart, he ditched her, although for a long time she wanted out of it. It was her supervisor, that made it that much more difficult for her along with the inability to terminate as a result of her illness.

Like so many others she has expressed remorse and guilt but maintains a guarded believe or at least projects a belief that it was pretty-much everyone else’s fault she made the decisions she did.

I’ve learned to live with all of that well and disregard it, as I was able to forgive and forget. (Not certain if the latter part of the scenario is possible but at least the majority of the pain and anguish has subsided and I’m careful not to drag her through it at all) There just isn’t a point apart from meanness and retribution that can only damage everything we’ve both accomplished and I have no need for that.

The problem is she isn’t able to let go of it, the anger she experienced after they ended it and she tried to remain at work, only to develop into a terrible situation between both of them going at each other. Him moving on and her finally breaking down from the constant pressuring to leave her job. I can dig the idea of betrayal. She paid a really high price being arrested for attacking him with hundreds of despicable emails. Finally she was  arrested after three warnings (that’s when I found out about the entire situation) , charged , found guilty with a condition discharge etc… but holds the criminal record for four years depending on her future actions during that time. So her probation is ending after a year and there’s a need to stay regulated, she knows that after four days in jail, arm and leg shackles and the whole gambit, but it’s still touch and go in my mind as to her future actions.

So she continues to publish crap on her FB about it, aimed at him without directly pointing it at him in any way, thinking he is reading it. He isn’t even computer literate let alone own one or use FB. It’s the insensitivity of the posts that concern me. Stuff like “Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad”. Always about her lack of accountability and her failed relationship which she claims to both of hated, as well as constantly deride and mock the many failings and bad qualities of the other guy. She really stooped pretty low with her choice. I hope no sympathy for the guy and I’m sure he lived a hell when she painted him black for all the downfall’s she recognized in him during the affair.

I guess it makes it worse during the first three months of total deregulation the things she kept saying about his total love and admiration for her etc…etc…not being able to accept the reality of the situation she put herself into and how it developed.

I guess I shouldn’t be hurt by it still, but constantly publishing stuff like that and still saying just the most thoughtless  things about it sometimes because she can’t let go of the anger and humiliation wears on me. Actually if she was of better mind she would recognize them as being extremely foolish to say given the situation but I think we all know what that’s like.

I’d like to approach her with it but I really fear a problem coming out of doing that. Even if it’s done well simply mentioning the fact she is being inconsiderate (no matter how you sugar-coat it could set so much back. She’s extremely high-functioning and doesn’t miss a thing, just misinterprets a lot because everything that exist on earth must in some way be about her. (That isn’t a meant as a derogatory statement toward her, just a reality of how she thinks.)

 

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t eh?

Any advice (apart from the fact I have to practice a radical acceptance, understanding it’s her illness speaking and not her)? I understand all that and have managed as a result, but it certainly would be nice to put the remarks to bed. We’d both sleep better as a result... . I’m just lost for how to affectively approach that without the risk of undoing so much.

Sorry, kind of long.

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[123Phoebe]

So she continues to publish crap on her FB about it, aimed at him without directly pointing it at him in any way, thinking he is reading it. He isn’t even computer literate let alone own one or use FB. It’s the insensitivity of the posts that concern me. Stuff like “Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad”. Always about her lack of accountability and her failed relationship which she claims to both of hated, as well as constantly deride and mock the many failings and bad qualities of the other guy. She really stooped pretty low with her choice. I hope no sympathy for the guy and I’m sure he lived a hell when she painted him black for all the downfall’s she recognized in him during the affair.

Hi Stalwart,

I'm happy to hear that you and your wife are on a better path these days

Concerning the paragraph posted above, can you be sure that she's aiming FB quotes at him?  There's no doubt it feels that way and I'd probably be thinking the same thing too, given the circumstances. 

Just wondering how you can put this affair behind you, totally and completely while building a new future together... .  

[Stalwart]

Absolutely 123.

She has no qualms about discussing that and "he deserves it." "The guy has no morals, etc... . "

There's no doubt there at all that her anger is still focused directly in that area and totally at him. For all the effort of her therapist who I am certain is aware of this remaining anger there doesn't seem to be a way to have it subside. That is short of trying confrontational reasoning about the statements she makes in relationship to her own involvement and I'm not going there. She's come too far to even consider being responsible for any of it slipping backwards through an unthought out or detrimental comment that can't achieve a possitive outcome.

Up until now I've allowed her discuss the affair or make comments as she felt necessary. I neither promote them nor do I dwell on them when she discusses them. I just felt that there must still be a necessity in her mind to talk about it. From the initial days when she would bring him up thirty eight times in a single evening with rages to 'once in a while' and no rage, just subdued anger is a huge success that's slowly progressed.

Do they ever forget something they perceive to be a slight to them? It has always amazed me how she can remember the smallest negative issue from years and years ago and not be able to let it go. For my part, I wish it would just go away totally, but for now I'm willing to give it more time. I've seen huge progress.

I also don't like to interfere in her therapy with the therapist although in the beginning I did call her to ask her if she'd help my wife work with the guilt, remmorse and anger she was aiming at herself from having done all this. She's better with that now as well but once in a while she'll comment on it.

I don't expect it will ever entirely go away from her mind and having to say things. I just wish they didn't always have to be so poorly thought out with regards to being somewhat hurful and potentially damaging. It isn't about insulting my ego, my anger or self-righteousness I tucked those away with the forgiveness as I slowly also saw my own implications in her decisions and how she would have interpretted that our relationship wasn't doing well and I was growing distant. I was. I also didn't understand then what I do now. That won't happen again. it's just about the hurt it brings back.

I also don't blame myself for her decision to have an affair but we are all usually in some way responsible in part for the dances we do together.

[123Phoebe]

Up until now I've allowed her discuss the affair or make comments as she felt necessary.

Ew, I would have such a hard time with this.  I wouldn't want to hear anything about the other person or any of it.  I would probably say to take it up with the therapist, I'm out of this conversation/affair.  But that's me, and maybe my own issue, whatev

Huge progress though