2 weeks NC and some words and thoughts

[Fool for Love]

Some words she use to use ... Common in BPD ?

Empty inside

Hurts to the core

Find inner peace

Find myself

Changed my core values for you

You use stuff I have said against me

You use my weaknesses

You throw stuff back into my face

Using my emotions against me

Stay true to myself

It's not that I am mad at you for hanging with your friends ... It's i want to be apart of it .

If you where here you could fix it (whatever crises was going on )

These are just a few of the things I was thinking about today . It's been 2 weeks NC and I get a little better everyday ...   I have been going to the gym regularly cause I just don't want to sit at home staring at walls . I have had a couple of breakdown moments ... Still have that stupid feeling when my text , email or phone makes a sound that's it is her ... I really don't know why after the cheating and lying ... It feels more like a trauma situation then wanting her back . She was horrible to me ... I know the everyday calls , text and FaceTime is like trying to break an addiction . I am still a little in the phase of I thought I was "special" and how could she do this to me . Thank you for listening it does help to just post this stuff sometimes ...    

[Turkish]

Some words she use to use ... Common in BPD ?

Empty inside

After telling me she had everything she ever wanted but still felt this way.

You throw stuff back into my face

Oh, I heard this one or variations on it all of the time. The last time was in regard to her mother helping her buying a plane ticket to go visit her sister. Like she didn't want her mom using it as some kind of leverage later on her (guilt or something, I never could figure it out).

[rougeetnoir]

That one was strange: "the throwing things back in her face."  Whenever I tried to construct an answer to her "you never do anythings... . " I was accused of that. 

[Tausk]

It is just like an addiction.  It's also a trauma bond.  And it's PTSD. 

All rolled into one.

And it hurts, it sucks, and at times I wanted to die.

But the good news is that there is a way out.  Recovery is possible.  And what I gained was more than I could have imagined.  Honestly.

But I had to work and be honest and be open minded and to learn to accept.  But it's been worth it. 

Keep at it.  Keep venting and sharing.  We understand. Everyword that you wrote, I could have written.  Read everyone's posts and see the similarities.  It's almost terrifying in the strong patterns. Patterns in the interaction, in our ex's behaviors, in our behaviors, in our FOO issues, in our FOG... .

The good news is that because the patterns are so clearly there, the road to recovery is somewhat clear as well.  And I've learned that the recovery is not simply from my ex, it's from my FOO.  And that is where the real power and emancipation begins.

Two weeks is very new.  The feelings and betrayal and hurt is very raw.  We understand.  You're actually doing much better than me at this point.  And you found the board.  Congrats.

T