anticipated threats?

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,

Has anyone ever felt themselves to be in physical danger from their exBPDgf/bf?  I understand about the emotional danger (smear campaigns, etc) but has anyone ever felt physically threatened, and if so what did you do?  My exBPDbf is still hospitalized and actively delusional, blaming me for ruining his life (as expected, saying I secretly had his baby and gave it to someone else to raise (?)  but when he is released ….well, I am a bit concerned.  He has never been physically abusive but he has punched holes in the wall and generally raged around throwing things and such.  My therapist maintains that such a person can easily escalate to physical abuse.  I want to be proactive if need be, but I don't want to make things more difficult for him.  to make matters worse, I've also been told that someone with his characteristics can become even more enraged after a restraining order is filed.  So i wonder if those with some experience can tell me if I'm overreacting to the possibility, or if I should prepare myself in some way.  Feeling anxious (in addition to FOGgy).  Thanks!

[Turkish]

Hi, folks,

Has anyone ever felt themselves to be in physical danger from their exBPDgf/bf?  I understand about the emotional danger (smear campaigns, etc) but has anyone ever felt physically threatened, and if so what did you do?  My exBPDbf is still hospitalized and actively delusional, blaming me for ruining his life (as expected, saying I secretly had his baby and gave it to someone else to raise (?)  but when he is released ….well, I am a bit concerned.  He has never been physically abusive but he has punched holes in the wall and generally raged around throwing things and such.  My therapist maintains that such a person can easily escalate to physical abuse.  I want to be proactive if need be, but I don't want to make things more difficult for him.  to make matters worse, I've also been told that someone with his characteristics can become even more enraged after a restraining order is filed.  So i wonder if those with some experience can tell me if I'm overreacting to the possibility, or if I should prepare myself in some way.  Feeling anxious (in addition to FOGgy).  Thanks!

Hi chillamom. Those behaviors are certainly concerning. Follow the lead of your T. Was the person who offered the opinion that ROs can lead to escalation a professional? Can you work out a safety plan with your T or some other qualified professional? It might help to have a back-up plan, or a safe place to flee if you need to go. A bug out bag in your car might be in order as well if you don't feel safe at home.

Safety First

[heartandwhole]

Hi chillamom,

I'm sorry you are feeling so anxious – it's perfectly understandable under the circumstances.  It is very unnerving to anticipate physical abuse, and I'm glad you shared your concerns with your T, and with us.  I agree with Turkish, a safety plan would be a great idea.  You may never need it, but it's much better to have a plan in place if/when things escalate, than having nothing and trying to think straight in the thick of things.

Another suggestion is that you might call a local domestic violence hotline in your area.  Just for informational purposes.  They will have resources and advice that can be very helpful, just in case.  There is nothing wrong with being prepared, it's an intelligent move.

Keep posting, we're here for you. 

[chillamom]

Thank you, Turkish and HeartandWhole. Your suggestions are  good ones, and echo what my T has said about creating a plan and such.  She even suggested that I have a police escort here when he comes over to get this stuff, and that I not hesitate to call the police if he shows up unannounced (fortunately I did manage to take his key).  I think I may do that, but the first thing that enters my mind is how hurt he will be if the cops are here and he has only the best of intentions….one of my problems is that I find it very hard to be "selfish" and take what may be appropriate precautions because I just empathize with him so much.  Ah, more stuff to talk about with T tomorrow.  She is certainly earning her fee!  Thank you again.

[Turkish]

Thank you, Turkish and HeartandWhole. Your suggestions are  good ones, and echo what my T has said about creating a plan and such.  She even suggested that I have a police escort here when he comes over to get this stuff, and that I not hesitate to call the police if he shows up unannounced (fortunately I did manage to take his key).  I think I may do that, but the first thing that enters my mind is how hurt he will be if the cops are here and he has only the best of intentions

It is natural to still care for him, despite his dysregulated behavior. I think I might feel the same. The disconnect, however, is between intention and action, based upon whatever unseen triggers there may be, as well as he not always being able to regulate his emotions.

….one of my problems is that I find it very hard to be "selfish" and take what may be appropriate precautions because I just empathize with him so much. 

If an outside observer were cynical, it might be considered selfish. There is nothing wrong, however, in taking care of ourselves .