RX drug of choice missing as BPDSD22 approaches her sobriety anniversary

[Thursday]

We had BPDSD22 over for dinner last night. No special occasion, just trying to rebuild our family relationship. We had a nice dinner, she was upbeat and not too hyper, asked questions, good visit. Nothing halting or uncomfortable except for the nonstop f-bombing... . I don't think I will ever feel comfortable about that and at least for now she shows no sign of easing up on the potty mouth.

SD lives with her GM  and right now one of her cousins is visiting with his wife. They just lost their baby to SIDS (tragic) and the wife is on RX Xanax (I feel judgmental about this but I don't know much about why she has the RX- but if it was prescribed for her grief... . not cool and frankly I just have issue with the way this drug is over prescribed) and right before SD was leaving she got a phone call from the GM. The Xanax was missing, bottle still there, open with lid off and one pill on the floor. GM wanted to know if SD took it.

SD, clearly upset, said she did not take it. End of phone call. She talked to us for a few minutes before she left. Said that she would submit to a drug test. She also said she thought she heard noises in the house before she left for work (everyone else was out to lunch, SD sleeps late).

First red flag. 

She also thought out loud about the possibility of her cousin trying to frame her by taking the drugs and hiding them at the bequest of a very unpleasant Aunt who is constantly trying to stir up trouble because she is a B. This aunt is married to the sibling of both SD's deceased Mom and the cousin's Mom. True that the aunt is a B, however, SD has little contact with this cousin who lives in another state and the Aunt has even less contact. So, this also feels a little bit red-flaggy. 

SD contacted us after she left and texted that they had all decided that someone broke in as she had heard the noises and the GM, cousin and cousin's wife locked up before they left and when SD left to come to dinner with us, the doors were not locked. More red flags! (the house wasn't ran-sacked, how would someone break in with no signs of a break in and so quickly locate the Xanax and steal only the Xanax? ) 

SD not seem altered last night, however, when she was using we really had no idea and she was taking a huge amount of drugs at that time. Sure, we didn't spend a lot of time with her and she did her best during that time to keep us separate from her.

My immediate thought was that SD didn't take the drugs. This knee-jerk response sort of surprises me since SD, when in her addiction, stole pills from my nonDD (pain meds for a surgery). When she did this she took the entire bottle with her, left nothing behind. In this current situation the bottle was still there and no pills were in it. They did find a single pill on the floor.

I've had the thought that maybe the cousin's wife has been overdoing her use of these pills and wanted to get more so concocted that there were pills missing. Don't know if she knew this was SD's drug of choice or not. I've never met the girl. The baby died about a week ago, so I assume she is still deep in her grief. They are visiting the GM to "get away" as they lived with the cousin's Mom and brother who has custody this weekend of his own very young baby (I think this baby is about a year old or so). Maybe this cousin's wife is an addict - this certainly seems like an addict's ploy to get more pills (and never mind who get's hurt in the process) and this girl does have a prescription and has hit a hard spot in her life, a time when an addict would do even more to get their drug... .

My husband is worried ( you know the look of total dejection and sorrow) and I'm sorta waiting for a shoe of some sort to drop.

DH and I have the idea of encouraging the GM to drug test SD on the fly in about a week. SD did offer to take a drug test last night... . however I think it should be on the fly and in a few days or more since if SD did steal the pills and hasn't taken them yet she could always wait until she thinks things have died down to take them.

I know SD is excited about her upcoming 3 year sober anniversary. She suggested we all go out to dinner together and my husband Poo-pooed it sort of... . he still feels aggravated that she feels like we should celebrate and spend money on her for being sober since she is "supposed to be sober". Don't get me wrong, he is thrilled she is sober however has the idea there is no need for a party to remember it. He plans to write her a note and give her a card.

SD has been on a pretty even keel for about six months now. She is employed after a long work hiatus that was beyond frustrating but now she works hard and even has a savings account!

I really don't know what to think here. I would like to know if she has relapsed because I can be a more effective strength in her life if I know what is going on. I do feel her idea that someone broke in and stole nothing but the pills out of a pill bottle to be a bit on the suspicious side.

I do think it's possible that the cousin's wife is to blame. I don't think the Aunt would trust the cousin to try to harm SD's reputation but I do understand that the Aunt might try to do it herself as the Aunt is bitter about SD living with GM but the Aunt lives in another town and would have to drive to get there... . and this happened at a time of day when there would have been bad rush hour traffic.

Any thoughts? Anyone have any other possible scenarios for what happened to the Xanax?

Thursday

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

I'm sorry you are in this position questing whether or not your DD did in fact take the pills. We want so desperately to believe our kids.  

I think it's a good idea to wait a week and then have her take a test. You may have your answer beforehand when she requested to take one at that time and if she refuses or still is willing to do so.

My DD has straight out lied the last time she stole Xanax from my mom. We have video evidence of her sneaking in to my mom's room and while it wasn't clear what it was, there was something in her hand on the way out. Later when my mother and my mother's nurse went looking for it, DD offered to help find it and for whatever reason, thought to check down in the basement... . coming up with the bottle saying how the cat must have taken it downstairs... .

There are a number of circumstances in your situation where it is questionable if she did take them or not. I hope you find a concrete answer and hope it's the answer you are hoping for.

[Thursday]

raytamtay-

thanks for your reply.

hope you find a concrete answer and hope it's the answer you are hoping for

Yes, spoken like the parent of an addict.

Good news here. Sad though. It looks like either her cousin or the cousin's wife are the culprits. SD took a home test and came out negative. Her GM wasn't fully convinced so SD went and paid for a lab urinalysis, also negative.

The extended family involved here is so dysfunctional and even though everyone has a right to air their concerns about SD and the fact that she lives with the GM there is always of lot of butt-inski-ism

going on with them and SD is very upset. SD needs to calm down and face why everyone feels this about her... . but that is the hard part for her... . facing herself and her own actions is just so hard for her she just spins out of control with her tools thrown out the window.

So, we've hit a whirlpool over here and I don't know what the outcomes will be. Truth is, I'm still not totally convinced that she didn't steal the pills and just hadn't taken them yet. So, I'm teetering on wanted to be just so sure and proud and still... . The sawtooth edge  of being blind to their issues and how far down she can go before she sees any sort of need to get well... . scary place.

Good news is I haven't felt any anger or really even frustration. I can taste compassion and it is sweet as a delicious bite of cake.

Thursday

[Rapt Reader]

Good news is I haven't felt any anger or really even frustration. I can taste compassion and it is sweet as a delicious bite of cake.

That is really one of the best, most descriptive things I've read in a long time 

It's a good place to be, and I can tell you are being level-headed about what is going on, Thursday... . I sure do know that mixture of cautious hope, trust, optimism & the desire not to be hoodwinked when dealing with our kids who have a history of drug abuse/addiction. I lived it for such a long time, and I'll be honest: the only reason I don't have to deal with it right now is because my clean and sober son lives with us, has no car, no money, and only goes to his various Therapies that I take him to and from, when he leaves the house.

He has chosen these self-imposed restrictions, due to his multi-year (4? more?) heroin addiction, and his sobriety has been hard-won with much trauma, and he doesn't want to relapse. I was thinking this morning: "What happens when his Therapies are at a wind-down, when his upcoming Hepatitis C treatments end and he is more inclined to go back into the cold, cruel world... . What then?" I will probably be right back where you are, wanting to not doubt him but being watchful and not wanting to be snowed again... .

It does sound like there are multiple factors confusing this incident, and I hope that your stepdaughter's sobriety is sustained. If she has, indeed, just stashed the Xanax away for a "rainy day" and is not using right now, I hope you can find that out and dispose of it. If your relatives have concocted this incident to implicate her and malign her in her Grandmother's eyes, that is really dysfunctional and terrible; I wouldn't blame your SD for being outraged and defensive. If it is a possibility, then supporting her (cautiously, until you know for sure), is good for her. What a conundrum   

I do know that when my son used to keep a "stash" of unhealthy things when he was trying to remain non-smoking/sober (old almost-spent cigarettes, old drug accessories, etc.), "just in case," then he would relapse. Those things have been gone, now, for more than a year; actually for as long as he's been continuously tobacco-free & clean and sober. Having that stuff around was not conducive to remaining that way. So with all my heart and soul I hope that she hasn't hidden the stuff "just in case." Godspeed to you and your SD, Thursday 

[peaceplease]

Thursday,

So many possibilites here.  I really find it peculiar there were none in the bottle and only one on the floor.  I would suspect that she would take the whole bottle and then it more of a case of cousin misplacing them.   Does this sound like your SD's style?  Does it resemble past behavior?  You said in the past she took the bottle with her.  I am casting my vote as SD not guilty. 

You re right about there being some red flags, though.  I do not put a lot of faith into drug testing.  1.  Unless you are observing, they can be altered so easily.  Something as simple as adding water to specimen.  2.  Taking something to mask the results when they are aware they will be tested.  3.  Having a spare "clean" specimen sitting around. 

I can definitely tell when my dd does Xanax.  She slurs her words and nods off.  She will try to cover up, and say that she is tired and not sleeping good. 

Please keep us posted.  It is sad if your SD was being framed.  Also, sad if your SD did take the pills.  No win/win here.  Your Sd has been doing so good.  Keeping a job is really a good sign!

[Thursday]

Sort of an update-

It looks less and less like SD took the pills and more and more like either the pills were taken out before the cousin and his wife left home (his Mom is an alcoholic and his brother is known to abuse Xanax and the cousin and wife live with both of them) as cousin and wife both apologized to SD for thinking it was her.

On the home front however, rotten nasty wife of SD's uncle, a well known hater of my SD, started (and now possibly dropped due to lack of support) a larger smear campaign against SD. She actually threatened SD with a phone call to authorities and she has also insinuated that SD is "abusing" her GM. The further this witch goes the less I think SD took the pills. SD is 22 now (she was under 21 when she got sober) and if she wants to use, all she has to do is go to the store and buy some alcohol. She also has many friends and aquaintances that use... . and she has money.  I just don't think she would risk so much lost trust for the sake of a handful of pills.) I am still concerned that she reported hearing "sounds" at the house the day the pills went missing as that story makes no sense... . someone doesn't break in and ONLY rifle through a suitcase and then, upon finding a bottle of pills, takes them out and leaves the bottle behind... . and thus scaring her GM that someone has broken into her house.)

The GM talks behind everyone's back but we are hearing from SD that the GM believes her. My husband talked to GM and he seems at peace with the GM's insistence that she believes SD. The two drug tests didn't hurt. DH has suggested that SD buy another test and keep it on hand, ready to offer "a P" if anyone is concerned that she stashed the pills and SD had a good few days at work and can easily afford another test.

I am left with such a bad taste in my mouth about the Uncle's wife. I occasionally run into her in our community and she always tries to chat me up. I am usually polite. I don't think I can be polite with her anymore... . she is so money/inheritance focused. The GM has a cushy life... . SD doesn't pay rent and GM buys her food now and then and of course SD uses electricity by living with her. Seems like the witch believes she is tapping funds away from her two kid's inheritance. So yuck. Her husband (the uncle) makes plenty of money, they live in a big house and her oldest kid just got a free ride scholarship to a private university, her younger kid is a football player and will also no doubt get a scholarship... . why does she have to be so ugly?

So, we have been a bit shaken but it all turned out pretty well and we are still on the same road to work SD back into our fold. She really seems to have handled this well, at least from our perspective. And there has been nothing nasty posted on facebook!

thursday

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, I'm so very glad to hear this, Thursday! 

It's terrible about the way your SD is being treated by the Aunt and Uncle, though. I'm glad her Grandmother is sticking up for her, but I'm sure your SD is feeling bad about it all. It's great that she'd doing well in her sobriety, and the fact that you gave her the benefit of the doubt, and stuck by her is a good thing; it should help your relationship with her stay solid.

Maybe she really does think she heard "noises"? If she were asleep and groggy when she thought she heard something, she could be telling the truth about that. It was illogical that someone would come in, rifle around and find some pills and then then take them without the bottle (losing one in the process), but if--after finding out the pills were gone--she remembered thinking she heard something, maybe this is the weird thing she thought was the most logical explanation. Not so much a lie or anything, just a "trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together."

You and your husband did very well with what could have been a setback for you guys with her; had you overreacted or assumed she was "guilty" that would've been very hard to repair. Kudos! I wish her very well with her continued sobriety, and you and your husband well in your relationship with her.

[qcarolr]

So, we have been a bit shaken but it all turned out pretty well and we are still on the same road to work SD back into our fold. She really seems to have handled this well, at least from our perspective. And there has been nothing nasty posted on facebook!

What a challenge for your SD. Sounds like she kept her head on about it. What a messy family situation.

Good news is I haven't felt any anger or really even frustration. I can taste compassion and it is sweet as a delicious bite of cake.

qcr

[vivekananda]

I think both you and your sd need congratulations for handling it so well. It is so good to hear of her sobriety, her work and general togetherness. And so good to her that your own non judgemental compassion stood by you. I do hope you sd can gain strength from how she handled the situation. I hope that you and your dh's sadness and worry for your sd eases over time as you continue to build your relationship with her.

As for that aunt, karma will get her   With the poisonous people in my life, when I can't avoid them, I look at it as an opportunity to practice my validation skills and my boundaries will get me out of the situation quick enough, so I don't get drawn in.

I hope it continues to look good for you and your family,

Vivek     

[peaceplease]

Thursday,

I am glad to hear how well your SD handled all of that.  And, you and dh handled it all so well.   

I agree with RaptReader about your SD hearing the noise.  There are times that I can swear that I hear somebody in the house walking around, and I find there is nobody there.  Explanation can be it was the wind, or something else.

I am sorry about the aunt being so vicious!   I agree with you not chatting with her should you run into her.   

It sounds like you are all doing great!(with exception of other stuff)  And, your SD holding onto a job is awesome!

peaceplease