Please help I don't want to lose her

[hexadecimals]

I'm not entirely sure if this is the right board to post this but it seemed most fitting since it is regarding a relationship that I do not want to lose and want to improve and/or repair.

I just typed paragraphs upon paragraphs of content when my tablet died and I lost everything  so I'm kinda gonna make it short and sweet now. Basically, my relationship of several months went from idealization stage to ONE major devaluation stage I guess, where she said it wasn't going to work out with us and to forget about her. We talked a little then until ultimately I decided to give her space and grant her request that I try to move on I guess. But the thing is, I do not want to lose her, and I feel its rather unfair that not only did it come so abruptly to an end, but that it never came back around. We stopped talking altogether for a few days until just this morning, we are on speaking terms but I really am not sure what to say, if there's anything I CAN say to try to convince her I am not the black stage, I have nothing but insane love and adoration for her and I am committed to making it work no matter what, I have no intention of leaving her, nor do I want to. I don't want responses like its time to move on please, because I understand the intricacies of making a relationship work with someone diagnosed with BPD. But I am just wondering and praying there is a way that she could ever come around, I don't want to lose her and I don't want her to completely close the door on me. This is very abridged version now because as I said, my tablet died in the middle of my first entry that was very detailed and lengthy and all was lost :/.

Will she ever come around?

Am I completely written off as "the bad person"?

Is there any way I can ask her these things without being unpleasant or making myself seem needy or whatever?

Please help, thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

Hi hexadecimals

Looks like you're in some strife there. The BPs do take us for a spin. This helped me:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

I suggest that if you have some time, have a read of Stop Walking on Eggshells by Kreger.

Please do take care of yourself. I found that when I was in a vulnerable state of mind where I wanted to "give my soul away" sort of thing, I felt that it left me in a very vulnerable position. BPs have been b****es to all of us at some point. Try to forgive yourself.

IMHO, if you're dealing with a BP, you should consider not relying on goodwill. You should consider being taken advantage of. You should consider to expect the unexpected.


They aren't bad people, a lot of them have backgrounds that don't allow them to be as 'normal' as normal people are.

I found a lot of 'normal' reactions are destructive to the BP. I think while you still have time, get as educated as you can. Being yourself may seem to romantic thing to do, but a lot of things you do may actually hurt both of you in the long run. Your BP may not be the forgiving and learning kind. Given my short experience with my gf, I believe those are traits are certainly in scarce supply for BPs in relation to 'normal' people.


You could look at this breakup like a blessing in disguise. The skills you pick up from this community 5 months into your relationship may save you a LOT of pain in the long term. I feel it's a very important step.


With due respect, I see a bit of 'save the cat from the tree' in you that I see in myself. I used to read a lot of romance as well. A common BP pattern is intense relationships, and moving from one romantic partner to the other. With reference to https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0 and "Realistic Expectations", I found I have to be prepared to be schmuck #5 in order to go on.


Regarding your questions. A lot of us feel lost when our BPs do this to us. Where do we go from there?

I don't think she will have the answer to both of them. If you ask a normal person if "you will come around"? It's the same as asking "will you love me again"? I wouldn't know the answer to that. And if I broke up with you, I probably wouldn't give you a straight answer anyway.

Regarding 'bad person'. If your BP is like mine, you will be recurrently the 'bad person'. Where she goes from there is up to her.

Good luck.

[hexadecimals]

Wow, thank you SO much for that amazing response! I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your words, truly thank you very much.

[ziniztar]

Hi hexadecimals,

I lived through the same thing approx 6 weeks ago after 5 months of relationship.

In hindsight it was very obvious why this happened, I critized him (I was stressed out because I was moving to another place) whilst it was already a difficult period for him, full of stress and people nagging him. That caused him to dysregulate and to completely switch to the other side.

The lucky thing was; I read up about BPD behaviour so I was able to anticipate. When he mentioned he never wanted to see me again, I knew not to take it literally (which doesn't mean you should not take it seriously). Step away from the drama and observe as if you were a third person that does not have any steak at hand. It helps.

Gotbushels is right to say that "normal" reactions can sometimes even worsen the situation. For me the video on validaton helped a lot (an hour well spent!) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0.

Good luck 

[kfifd196]

I am the same as you and want to salvage my relationship with my wife.  We have an 11 month old daughter and I have been completely split black, to the point she filed a restraining order against me on False Accusations and I am only allowed to talk to her about our daughter, not about reconciling or anything else.  I have never done anything bad in my life (not even detention in high school ) and I am a well-respected, stand-up person in my community.  I owned 'our' house for 5 years before I met her, totally gutted it and renovated it with my own 2 hands and used my retirement savings to finish it in a rush, for her (cause she was impatient and needed instant gratification).  She wanted desparately to be put on the deed because she needed security and I came close to doing so, as I was "sucked in" by the idealization.  THANK GOD I didn't because she filed for divorce when she split me black and I would've wound up losing the house to her!  I still want to reconcile, but she needs help!  When she was 'normal', she was an amazing, loving, sweet and caring wife and mother, but when she raged, she was pure evil... . It was scary and the last time, she bit me... . and of course blamed me, saying I restrained her... . What she doesn't tell anyone, is that she threatened to Step In Front of A Bus and I touched her arm and asked her to calm down.  But, she was already in her rage, bit me and left our daughter, who was 9 months old, screaming at 11:30pm, and darted from the house, leaving our daughter and me there, not knowing what she was going to do... . she returned 30 min later, as if nothing happened!  Just be careful... . I keep hoping for a miracle.  I will pray for you too... .

[Haye]

My dBPDbf, well he has recycled me several times and erm, i'm still here on the staying side  . So it's possible, but mostly i'd like to go with botgushels.

We are all different and so are our so's. I believe I didn't get quite the same 'from complete idealization to total devaluing' as his other girls did - perhaps because we were originally just very close friends and no matter how he felt about me "bedwise" there was some friendly liking always left? Perhaps it's the fact I showed him my boundaries and kindly, but firmly through him out once he stepped over? Yes, i did take him back, but it didn't happen immediately and it involved, among other things, him seeking medical help and showing true willingness to change.

[gotbushels]

... . When he mentioned he never wanted to see me again, I knew not to take it literally (which doesn't mean you should not take it seriously). Step away from the drama and observe as if you were a third person that does not have any steak at hand. It helps. ... .

Ziniztar thanks for this!  May I please find out where you picked up this advice too?

[an0ught]

The video ziniztar mentioned is almost mandatory material for staying communication. It may be even worth watching a few times.