i lost it the last time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The last time i was in his company i lost it

He was being so sweet and loving for quite a while  and i felt a sense of closeness and thought yeah ! I thought things were getting better.

He was breaking up with me alot previously and raging when he was drunk and it had been especially dysfunctional... we were working thru this i thought and felt some peace at last

Then that weekend i caught him in another big lie and felt like all that good behavior he was displaying was a set up cause he was going to have to tell me that weeend about what he had planned behind my back but i found out first

So i lost it

I didnt physically act out or direct any anger or abuse i just acted like a crazy person.it was like three years of trying to handle it all came bursting out

I fragmented big time and thru it all i knew i was ruining everything because he would use it against me and he did.  He said i was the craziest woman he had ever met... i didnt care. He treated me like i was disgusting that weekend

I spent three years trying to b strong and act like i could handle it all but i wasnt and the kettle blew.

In my insane evening i knew i was blowing it for good ... . there was some sanity but i think its what i wanted to tell u the truth

I couldnt carry on anymore

When he first met me and we went for counseling because i found out he was cheating he said to the therapist that he was complicated and didnt think i could handle him... . well i challenged this and so did the therapist

It was almost like he was gloating about how complex he was.he used to gloat about how unique he was and tell me that i probably hadnt ever met a man like him

He was right  i havent

Instead of listening to my better judgement and paying attention to this red flag he was actually presenting himself i took on the challenge

Cant blame him at all really can i ?

[corraline]

The last time i was in his company i lost it

He was being so sweet and loving for quite a while  and i felt a sense of closeness and thought yeah ! I thought things were getting better.

He was breaking up with me alot previously and raging when he was drunk and it had been especially dysfunctional... we were working thru this i thought and felt some peace at last

Then that weekend i caught him in another big lie and felt like all that good behavior he was displaying was a set up cause he was going to have to tell me that weeend about what he had planned behind my back but i found out first

So i lost it

I didnt physically act out or direct any anger or abuse i just acted like a crazy person.it was like three years of trying to handle it all came bursting out

I fragmented big time and thru it all i knew i was ruining everything because he would use it against me and he did.  He said i was the craziest woman he had ever met... i didnt care. He treated me like i was disgusting that weekend

I spent three years trying to b strong and act like i could handle it all but i wasnt and the kettle blew.

In my insane evening i knew i was blowing it for good ... . there was some sanity but i think its what i wanted to tell u the truth

I couldnt carry on anymore

When he first met me and we went for counseling because i found out he was cheating he said to the therapist that he was complicated and didnt think i could handle him... . well i challenged this and so did the therapist

It was almost like he was gloating about how complex he was.he used to gloat about how unique he was and tell me that i probably hadnt ever met a man like him

He was right  i havent

Instead of listening to my better judgement and paying attention to this red flag he was actually presenting himself i took on the challenge

Cant blame him at all really can i ?

[seeking balance]

Corraline,

We have all hit a breaking point and done our share of crazy behavior - you are certainly not alone.

Can you forgive yourself?

Peace,

SB

[drxap]

I can definitely relate. No matter what, they can act so calm and collected towards you while lying to your face and not care the least bit about how it affects you.

I felt like I was losing my mind in the end and my exBPDgf used it against me. This person who I was so close with was telling me that I was crazy, that my parents really messed me up, and that I needed help. All because I wanted her to just admit to just one lie that I knew for a fact to be a lie. Once I finally got her to admit to sleeping with an ex, she immediately made excuses that she had to because I was so horrible to her and I couldn't satisfy any of her needs. They will say anything to turn the blame onto you.

I also was in couples counseling early in the relationship. Couples counseling DOES NOT WORK with a pwBPD. A counselor has no idea what they are dealing with in this situation. The pwBPD will only focus on your faults that emerge during counseling and use them as reasons to hurt you further.

[corraline]

Ugh... .

In our counselling we tried to work on the issues of trust

When i requested going for more sessions he tried to say i held the sessions hostage by only focusing on his behavior and my pain around it

Distortion!

I clearly remember the therapist giving us both equal time to share our isssues

If he felt that he didnt get the opportunity to process his issues then that was his problem

He had the opportunity

I believe he just didnt want to put any more effort in during the last stages of our relationship

[arn131arn]

I can totally relate to all of this. We tried couple's counseling with 4 different therapists. She lasted 2 sessions each time and never went back!

I remember the distancing during last summer. It was complete and total abuse via the silent treatment. I couldn't get her to say a word to me. It hurt so bad, but when I began acting out Bc of it, my reaction proved to her that I was insane.

She moved out late August and by the beg of September wanted to recycle again. I caught her in a few lies, and when I changed to locks she was gone. She had been grooming my replacement by then, and changing the locks triggered her abandonment and she knew her hooks were in with her new man, thus she discarded me.

I'm glad I'm able to see both sides to it now. I can see the psychological abuse by her and the verbal abuse by me. How it was a cycle that we repeated for over 14 years. Today, I hope she can find what she needs from this guy, but I need not to care one way or the other. I am pretty happy that I have someone who abused me in the end, leave me.

But, in all honesty, she can say the same about me, as well... .

[Madison66]

corraline,

I'm nearly 100 days out of my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I see things so differently now being clear of the chaos.  I also experienced similar things with couples T during the last few months of the r/s.  The abuse had escalated and I was in "fight" mode.  It was over before it was officially over.

Anyway, during my last confrontation with her at the time of the b/u I became extremely frustrated by an incident the day before.  The following day, she came over acting like nothing happened and tried to put the issue on me as usual.  I finally reached my end point and told her I wouldn't put up with the BS any longer.  She then raged, emotionally and physically abused me before damaging my property on her way out.  She did all of this in front of her ten year old daughter.  Pretty sad.  What was harder for me was the internal debate I was having about potentially overreacting.  My T challenged my belief that I was potentially not justified to react as I did.  She helped me see the truth - that I encountered a situation the day prior where my needs were not met for the hundredth time.  I had finally had enough and true self emerged to say "no more".  My ex was overt in her actions and her attitude the following day reinforced it.  Had I not walked away, furious or calm, things would have grown worse especially with the physical abuse.

So, I can only say you are not alone with your feelings.  We've all lost our cool and questioned it later.  We all ignored red flags and regretted it later.  We all allowed our selves to be abused and treated in ways that we would never treat anyone.  There is no text book with instructions of how to deal with someone with a PD.  I had to dig deep to forgive myself and give myself a break.  I ultimately did this by shifting the focus solely on to me and my needs.  It hurt like hell, but is so liberating to let it go.  Please go easy on yourself and as Ed Roland of Collective Soul sings on "Better Now", "it's time to celebrate you!"