Divorce proceedings start May 2012, dragging on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Background: Married to a dOCD+uBPDw for 24 years, she was physically abusive to me and the children (now D20 & S23) D20 has no contact with her, S23 has limited.

She left July 2011

First papers filed May 2012

Initial Support: $1000+stay on my health insurance+ I stay in residence/she's out

Settlement conference: Dec 2013

Agreed start: March 2014 - Support $1800 - half assets - need to get her own insurance

Final decree has not been signed to date (her side holding it up)

I'm now paying $1800

S23 taking a leave of absence from University, I'm only $upporting him, but can't with this financial situation.

D20 in comm college (S23 graduted from CC)

==> Suddenly, she wants to take "an inventory of the house" before she signs, it's been over 3 months, is this a delay tactic?

[Forestaken]

Background: Married to a dOCD+uBPDw for 24 years, she was physically abusive to me and the children (now D20 & S23) D20 has no contact with her, S23 has limited.

She left July 2011

First papers filed May 2012

Initial Support: $1000+stay on my health insurance+ I stay in residence/she's out

Settlement conference: Dec 2013

Agreed start: March 2014 - Support $1800 - half assets - need to get her own insurance

Final decree has not been signed to date (her side holding it up)

I'm now paying $1800

S23 taking a leave of absence from University, I'm only $upporting him, but can't with this financial situation.

D20 in comm college (S23 graduted from CC)

==> Suddenly, she wants to take "an inventory of the house" before she signs, it's been over 3 months, is this a delay tactic?

[david]

Yes, negative engagement is still engagement.

[Forestaken]

Should I let her view the contents of the house (my L says someone not me should be there)?

[Waddams]

i'd tell her no.  sign it or go to court over the stuff.  it's been 3 years since she left.  she's abandoned anything she had left there.

[david]

Why does your atty think she can access your house ?  I agree with Waddams, she hasn't lived there for 3 years. If she hasn't asked for anything before then, what claim can she make now ?

Sounds like a boundary issue too. Being nice or "fair" doesn't work. I used to do that. Once I started saying no I was inundated with accusations but that eventually settled down.

[ForeverDad]

Is there anything at all in the settlement for her to get a job, get training or something?  Or is this to pay her to loaf her life away?  Yes it was a long marriage, but try to avoid lifetime alimony.  You don't know what your income will be 5 or 10 years from now, so give yourself options or a backdoor in case financial problems arise.*  Does it get inflation adjusted?  Rumor has it that inflation is looming.

* One member, Exonerated, lived in a lifetime alimony state, he got a Legal Separation there, then after all the money was gone paying her spousal support or alimony thereafter he moved to Texas and got divorced there as a pauper.  The original state still tried to have him arrested and jailed for failing to pay alimony.

If it has to be for a long time or lifetime, why not have a clause that it is reduced by XX% while you're paying for the children's higher education?

I agree, if there's any delay attempts or anything unreasonable, then the response is, The Judge Decides.  Is the settlement better than what the state rules require?

Me, I couldn't afford that much and still pay my bills, that would be well over half my take home.  Can't it be less or for a short time frame if she's also getting half the marital equity?

[marbleloser]

First, why on earth did you settle for $1800? You can't go back and change that. It was a settlement,and not a judges orders,so you can't appeal it and it would hard to modify.

Second,why should she be in a hurry? You've bent over backwards for her and she,and her attorney know,that if they keep pushing, you'll keep bending.

I'd say no. She abandoned you,the marital home,and the possessions. Unless court ordered,don't agree to anything.

[ForeverDad]

Marbleloser has a point, why did support go up from what it had been?  If it had gone before a judge to decide would a judge have awarded her more or less?

A followup question is whether this settlement has been filed or ordered by the court.  In most cases - just as your stbEx is now doing - a settlement is not Final until it is filed and ordered by the court.  She's trying to reinterpret the settlement even before it ink is dry.  So don't 'obligate' yourself to observe it until she does.

[whirlpoollife]

Unless court ordered,don't agree to anything.[/quote]
I agree. It's your home your privacy.

I get $175 in support which will most likely end when divorce is final.

[Forestaken]

The $1800 is base on the state guidelines, her income and her previous standard of living.

The range was $1400-$2240 for support. The support is indefinite BUT changeable .  I'm 53, if I retire at age 65 I can go to the court and request a change.  I cannot quit my job and reduce the support but if I get laid off, I can get it changed. 

I talk with my attorney, and somewhere we agreed in the 2 days of settlement talks that she can come over to review the household inventory.

Either there will be 4 persons, her+witness and Me+witness OR Her and my witness

[Forestaken]

Talked with the neighbor (witness) she spent 15 minutes in MY (was ours) house then left.

You're right, it's just her nothing more... .

[marbleloser]

You know what? I'd go talk to another atty. The decree isn't final,so you can change your mind.

Get a second opinion... . or 5.

[sad but wiser]

Wow!  Just like mine.  Except I am the wife.  He is dragging out the divorce.  The children cannot go to college.  I don't make all that much, but since he refuses to work, I pay temporary support of $1100.  He moved out, went through every cabinet then, took as much of the financial paperwork as possible, took bunches of things, and now is demanding to "catalogue every item in the house" if I don't agree to a horrible settlement where he takes 98% of the community assets, 60% of my inherited assets and I get to foot all the bills, including his incredible attorney fees. (I am in pro per due to finances.)

Bottom line for me, and I hope it helps you:

  I will not be intimidated into agreeing to anything so wholly unreasonable.   (Austin, Pride and Prejudice)

I just say that over and over to myself.

[Forestaken]

Update: Letter from her L saying she wants her personal stuff + Refrigerator, washer/dryer, and 3 TVs (one is a 55"

My L says "Give it to her and end it"

I said "No! The settlement agreement was that for items in dispute, we would flip a coin and take turns selecting"

My L: "We may have to go to court to resolve that will cost time and money"

That's true, but my kids are in college (S23 University, D20 locally Comm College) how does she expect her D20 to wash clothes and not to hate her more?

How is she going to watch 3 TVs?

Reminds me of the line from the movie "True Lies"

Tom Arnold "I came home and she had took everything, even the ice cube trays! What kind of sick b--- takes the ice cube trays"  (well, Tom, my s2bx)

[Waddams]

She's been gone since 2011.  She abandoned all that stuff a long time ago. 

I wouldn't agree to let have a single pencil from the house.  If you give in, she'll demand more.  Gonna have to make the fight and spend the money on the L sometime.  Might as well get it over with.

[Forestaken]

I know - Everyone tells me the same except in a court of law it's different.  She's entitled to half of it (24 years of marriage).  I told my L "no way" and he's calling her L.  cluster-f

I ate my dignity for many years, giving in to keep the peace because it was the easier thing to do.  For some reason, the washer/dryer is the point I'm saying enough is enough.  Most of the rest of the stuff in the house is cheap to replace.

BTW: She can take the frig - it never fit and is falling apart.  I was planning to replace ot before putting the house up for sale in 3-5 years.

Kids are upset too - encouraging me to stay strong.

[ForeverDad]

I saw this in another thread:

my S2bx+uBPD+dOCD took the kids college funds

Makes me wonder, if you had reserved some money for the children's college expenses and the stbEx had taken it, would your children want to file something seeking its return?  Possibly they have no standing and nothing financial will result from it but perhaps it would help the judge see her for what she is, self-centered to the point of even disadvantaging the children.

[david]

My ex emptied the house including the frig and everything in it, so yea the ice cube trays. On top of that she took every electrical outlet cover in the house. There were 47 because I had to buy new ones so I know how many. It took me close to an hour to put the ones in the first floor in. I timed myself because I couldn't believe she screwed them all out. She took the three toilet paper holders in the three bathrooms. The only thing she left was our bedroom furniture, a candle of a little bear with it's arms outstreched. On it's shirt it said I love you this much, and a journal of hers in the attic from years ago. When I learned about BPD I realized 8 out of 9 criteria were in the journal. And this wasn't a movie.

[Forestaken]

No time or money for another L. It's been 2 years.

The college fund was in our names not the kids, we wanted so that they couldn't just take "their money" and blow it - it had to be used for college.

S22 testified against momster, D19 was ready to testify but there was a settlement conference instead.

There was a settlement conference in Dec 2013, in which all disputed inventory items would be decided on a flip of a coin, whoever wins the toss chooses first, loser second, and so on... .

I've decided to not to give in to threats, but stick to the settlement agreement.  My L says, it wll take longer but at this point I see this as more of her abuse.

[WalrusGumboot]

Forestaken,

Great advice given... . I am here more for moral support! 

We are similar ages, and like you, was very hesitant to give in to every demand on what she wanted. I felt I was too old to start over. When I put pen to paper, it was easy to see where a long, drawn out divorce proceeding would be as expensive, or more, than giving her the ice cube trays and all the other junk she wanted. My L wanted to fight, and I said no. He even had me sign a paper that I did not take his legal counsel. She walked off with 75% of the assets, or maybe even more. Support was more than what he wanted as well, but the limit in my state was 3 years. I just wanted out, and let God take care of the rest.

She ended up getting married within 6 months of the divorce, ending my support. Since then, she spent every dime and sold most of her assets. I took what I had left and more than tripled it thus far. I'm living leaner and loving it. I have everything that I need, plus some of my wants.

We've both fought the battle a long time. Another year or two wasted to fight over the hideous flowery chair wasn't worth it to me. Getting out has been priceless.

Just food for thought, my friend.

WG

[Forestaken]

I understand not putting up a fight, and I've debated back and forth.  In a nutshell, I figured I would attempt to put up a fight to see their reaction.  and maybe, I get to keep something.

As for the appliances, I figure a scratch and dent sale is in my future.

[Forestaken]

Fed up - No action so I sent this email to my L

Dear Michael,

According to the December 2013 settlement agreement, today I will be mailing Jane Doe two checks for $900 ($1800) for May 2014 spousal support.  I am strongly considering, for June 2014, to reverting to the court order (Oct 2012) spousal support of $1000 per month.  The December 2013 agreement was to become effective March 2014.  It has not.  I have graciously allowed an additional 90 days.  I believe that despite our adherence to the settlement agreement, Jane Doe and her counsel are impeding the closure of the divorce.  My assumptions for this assessment are based on Jane Doe's past deviations from the court’s instructions and current delays for adjudicating the December 2013 settlement agreement:

•   Removal of $55,000 from a jointly named stock portfolio

•   Lack of employment

•   Recent letter expressing her dissatisfaction with her own inventory review

•   Attempting to renege of the Personal property section of the December 2013 settlement agreement

Without the ability to refinance the residence, I can no longer sustain the current spousal payment schedule at present. My children are facing a second year with the inability to complete their undergraduate studies; I feel that since all parties were provided this opportunity and it is morally unacceptable for them to sacrifice as a result of this ineptitude. 

From May xx-yy, 2014, I will be in AZ assisting my elderly father after a medical procedure.  I sincerely hope that the divorce decree will finalized shortly.

Attached is the Hand written agreement.

Sincerely,   Forestaken

[ForeverDad]

Why not 60 days?  If you're in a financial bind, then err in favor of the kids.

If I ever owed someone money, I want it to be you, you're so considerate and overly fair.

[Forestaken]

I agree that I am overly considerate. And it pisses me off that I am.

Since I sent this on Tuesday, if there is no response from anyone, I'm calling my L on Monday morning 9:01 am

Already the residence deadline has passed: Sell or re-fi by March 1, 2014. (couldn't do neither: bc both require a final decree)

Luckly I am not no going into debt, it's paycheck to paycheck tho.

[Forestaken]

Called my L yesterday.  Her L finally signed off on the decree, should be going through the final court process next week!

[whirlpoollife]

 

should be going through the final court process next week!

One of these days I will post the same