Hi reluctanthusband,
The major issue I have is she wants me to change my belief in somthing. She wants me to be mad at a person and our(Mine now) Church. I can accept that she feels that way. I get that part, but if I dont walk that out with her as in running away from my church and a person I have alot of respect for that has been in our life for almost 4 years(And told me not to divorce my wife) she automatically invalidates my perspective by saying that I am taking their side and that I hate her. How do I navigate that?
disagreement=abandonment
tough to handle your wife. At the moment she can't tolerate a different mental model in your head than in hers. That is a sign of enmeshment. Consistent work on boundaries as described in the workshops will make you as a close person thinking differently less triggering and problematic for her. Until then validate and if she is getting too persistent walk away with a time-out. Both actions will help.
You are not uncaring but she may well feel so and is totally upset about you not getting her point. Can be all validated as it is what she truly believes.
As you indicated hating people you don't hate just because she feels so is obviously not a solution. No point of arguing that in most cases,
a0