Unsettled by another thread

[lever.]

I strayed off the parents board to a section for siblings. I came across a thread called "what to do when parents enable BPD sibling". There is discussion on this about parents having to make a choice between siblings.

This is not to criticize anyone because I do empathize with people whose lives were overshadowed by their siblings mental health issues.

The parents involved are not young, 70s and 80s.

Now I have a problem here. I have noticed a pattern. My BPD DD sets up situations were she tries to make me choose between her and her sister. (eg tell her she can't come any more or you will never see me or GC again).

She sometimes has a good relationship with her sister but this keeps happening. One typical situation was just before her own wedding. Her sister was chief bridesmaid by her own decision. Two days before she says sister is no longer invited due to something she said several months ago.

This often happens before special family occasions with a tight time frame to sort it out. Our recent fall out started this way and this time she felt we took her sister's side. Other DD now says she has had enough and wants NC.

Fortunately other DD says that she isn't going to be upset if I make up with her sister because "I'm not 'nuts'"

( I know, not the most empathic way of putting it).

I am worried for the future though when people in their 40s say their parents need to choose. I love both my DDs. I am very aware that DD1 has given DD2 a hard time but I see her as having a disability that contributes to this behaviour.

It is the thing that gets to me most. Anything directed at me or DH I handle better but I could never make a choice between my DDs.

I guess the one asking me to choose would be making their own choice for possible NC

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trainwreck4]

I have often felt torn between BPD17 and non 16, 13, and 12. Once last year during a hospitalization, our furnace died and between work and hospital appts, we couldn't get the furnace repaired, because we weren't home. If we didn't work, there would be no money to fix the furnace, pay for gas and parking... .   You get my drift. The other three were home with a space heater for warmth. That was the final straw of many for me. While I recognize she is sick, it is still her decisions that land her in these spots and she was unwilling to actively work towards healing. So that resolved me that as long as she is unwilling to get help, the other three will not be put on the back burner. I grew up with alcoholics as parents and now I realize that even though it is a DISEASE, it does not magically sweep any mistakes they made under the rug. And that applies (in my humble opinion) to my daughter. Our government has made it so that they have control over their health care from the age 12, therefore there are very few things I can influence. It does not mean I wash my hands of the situation, but it places ownership on my daughter for decisions good and bad. My other kids would go into crisis everytime BPD17 did. The difference is that they did not have even a third of the supports BPD17 had. I also grew up in a several times split family, so I am more used to removing myself from a potentially manipulative situation. This will be a terrible situation for people that haven't had that "experience".

[Kate4queen]

Oh my gosh, this is so hard. Whatever you do someone is hurt/affected or enraged by it. My 3 nonBPD children resent all the attention the BPD son got and us for giving in to him too much. Our BPD son tells everyone we were monsters as parents and gave him nothing.

We made a decision just over a year ago to save the youngest child from the BPD bro's influence, it was very hard to do but we had to save the most vulnerable member of the family. Now our family is split. Eldest son and daughter love us lots and we have great relationships with them, but BPD son has detached son #3 from us slowly but carefully and we're facing losing him... .

We discuss this situation endlessly but can't win because we can't change the past and we can't change the impact having a BPD son had on everyone. We can only move forward.

[ibwalrus]

I can relate . Squeaky wheel gets the oil!

Our neuro -typical kids have to put up with crap when we

Have contact with the BPD kid.

Haven't  figured out out how to help everyone get along!

[lever.]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but my BPD DD has been almost obsessed with her sister.

As a teenager she interfered with and sabotaged her sisters friendships until it was difficult for her sister to go to school.

Later she stalked her on the internet and forwarded false e-mails to her boyfriend to try to split them. She fluctuates between saying her relationship with her sister is the closest family relationship she has and painting her sister black.

There is much more and it is a long story ~ no wonder my other DD has had enough.

At the moment they are NC. Its awkward for me but currently I am not mentioning them to each other.

I am not currently being put under pressure to choose but the threads saying that siblings would need to break contact with parents unless the parent went NC with the BPD child made me think.

I will be looking out for information on helping other family members be more understanding of BPD.

DH has also had it with BPD DD at present and won't hear anything positive about her

[co.jo]

I am also frustrated with my nonBPD children's refusal to even educate themselves about BPD. They would rather stay angry. Although my one daughter is studying criminology and just finished a paper on the death of a young woman with bPD while in custody. She watched some videos of her which she found very disturbing, and when I said "that could have been your sister" she answered very quietly, "I know". The very last thing I am going to try is to ask them for my birthday gift for nothing more than they read the first 2 chapters of Valerie Porr's book. We don't even have to discuss it, I just want them to understand that there is a scientific basis for these symptoms.

Worth a try.

[lever.]

I will ask the same of my DH and DD2, co-jo.

Will try validation and baby steps with them too. Things still difficult and low contact with BPD DD but I'm persevering with validation and it is helping.

Valerie Porr's book has been very helpful as has advice on here, some suggestions I had read in other books were proving less helpful.

I am going to try the same approach with other family members, the worst they will do is refuse to listen ~ at least they aren't likely to rage at me or attack me!

[MammaMia]

Oh yes. 

I believe this situation is a combination of sibling rivalry, jealousy, manipulation, and the never-ending need for attention.  Add a dash of BPD triangulation.  Stir well.

This is a recipe guaranteed to make everyone miserable.

I have learned that I need to deal with my dBPDs and his non sister as equally as possible but separately.  Fortunately, neither of them live with me.  They cannot stand to be near each other and have been NC for over a year.

[lever.]

You have it exactly MammaMia

Your recipe provoked gallows laughter from me. Glad you understand, sorry you are dealing with the same s**t.

I think we would all like more harmony in our families but this illness makes it so hard to acheive

[PinkieV]

As the only "non" with three brothers, I can tell you how heartbreaking it is to watch your parents constantly try and help your siblings, and be the only child who helps your parents. I know my parents appreciated me, and I definitely got attention since I was the only girl and a high achiever, but I think that dynamic has set me up to be a caretaker for life. And that's not always a good thing.

My brothers were all so "sensitive" and I couldn't ever have a selfish moment of just wanting to be heard and acknowledged. When I sent one invitation for my son's birthday party to my parent's house for them and my older brother (who was living there with his two boys), I was lectured about how I had made him feel inadequate.

When our 10+ year old dogs died within the same week I got to listen to my mom's soliloquy about my brother's great love for his dog and how he sat with her and cried. She didn't see me lay on the floor of the vet's office and hold my Casey while she was euthanized.

And after both my parents were gone, they didn't get to hear how the two older boys called me a slut, a whore, a thief, who's husband had to be paid to marry me, when they found out our parents estate wasn't worth millions.

I know it's hard being the parent of a pwBPD, but please give your other kids a break.

[lever.]

I know Pinkie, I know and it worries me. I try to be fair but its not easy to walk a middle path. I would not like any of my children to have your experience

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders