Are we doomed to love them forever?

[LilMissSunshine]

I was just kinda wondering... . does anyone think, after we've fully detached and healed as much as we're gonna heal, find some peace and begin moving on with our lives... . that we will always be haunted by our exBPD's?  Well, not so much haunted, but in love with?  Even if we never ever see or talk to them again, will they always be somewhere in our hearts?

[Stjarna]

Just speaking for myself... . yes.

[Jb2003]

Personally I know that I will alway love my BPDex, we share space, we shared time , we shared a life together. I know in my heart she is a good person she just has a mental disorder... . Those person I fell in love with is in there. Unfortunately so is the other one. So the good times were great and that is what I miss and have decided to assign her in my mind. Yes, for the most part it was bad, real bad... . but I did and do love her and miss her... . I always will. In order for me to get on with my life I had to understand that all of that was ok to do. It is ok to love her, it is ok to miss her but I am not ok with her. I will ALWAYS love her... . but from a far as I live my life and seek a normal healthy r/s with someone that gives back what is put in... . That's my story and I'm sticking with it... . it gets easier everyday chin up and YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE... . You'll find that person that will give back instead of take from... . at least that is my honest hope for you me and all the people that have had this soul-jarring experiment... . AMEN... . JB

[Perfidy]

I believe we are capable of choice. If we want to keep someone in our hearts we can. I feel the opposite is also true. It's up to each individual to choose what is appropriate for themselves. We must be the masters of our own emotion. Mastering emotion requires strength and practice. We aren't leaves blowing in the wind.

[seeking balance]

I was just kinda wondering... . does anyone think, after we've fully detached and healed as much as we're gonna heal, find some peace and begin moving on with our lives... . that we will always be haunted by our exBPD's?  Well, not so much haunted, but in love with?  Even if we never ever see or talk to them again, will they always be somewhere in our hearts?

IMHO, love (real love, not abusive attachment masked as love) is always with us on some level.  Will it be as intense, no - but when we love, there is a piece that is always in our hearts.

I don't think this a BPD thing - it is a love thing.

[bpdspell]

does anyone think, after we've fully detached and healed as much as we're gonna heal, find some peace and begin moving on with our lives... . that we will always be haunted by our exBPD's?  Well, not so much haunted, but in love with?  Even if we never ever see or talk to them again, will they always be somewhere in our hearts?

Unhinging and detaching will take time because more than likely our internal narrative needs to be re-written so that we can live lives free from toxicity and narcissistic abuse. But detaching takes serious internal work and a willingness to take a mirror and look within. I'll be the first to admit that looking within is damn hard and something I resisted doing for a long time. In fact I resented having to do this especially since my ex would never. But this was about me and this was about a bigger agenda of ending a cycle I inherited.

I'm happy to say that I'm no longer haunted by my ex because I've fallen in love with me and no longer need the validation of damaged people to make me feel valuable, loved and worthy of love. It's been three years since the breakup with my ex and no; I don't love him anymore and I'd never thought I'd be able to type those words. He was a nasty, controlling, embittered, abusive, unkind, selfish, self-absorbed, a bullying jerk to me and I don't love that. I shared good memories with him but the wool has been pulled from my eyes and I now truly see him for what he really is: a self-hating, mentally sick, wounded and broken human being. He's no longer the mirage or oasis of love that I once believed he was. I no longer see his abuse as love. I now see his abuse as his insanity that was once projected on to me.

Borderlines are self-hating and they want you to do the job of carrying their misery. That isn't love. That's passing the hot potato for relief.

As much as we may love our ex's they are not the only source of love in this world. We can do better and that starts with loving ourselves. We need to love ourselves just as much as we love our exs.

I will alway remember my ex for breaking my heart enough to set me on the path of self-love that I needed to be on. But I'm in love with me and I wish everyone on here this same feeling.

Spell

[Reforming]

I suppose that depends on what you mean by love.

There are lots of different types of love

As I unravel the fundamentals of my relationship with my ex I accept that both her and my behaviour was very unhealthy.

Even though there were periods of what felt like normality these were interspersed with  awful uncertainty, heartbreaking drama, violence, betrayal, and terrible hurt.

For me it was easy to confuse intensity and the battle for survival with love and commitment

Now I see more need and fear than love

I realise I played my part but she did things which desecrated the most intimate parts of my heart.

How can you love yourself and love someone who does you real harm?

If a best friend did what my ex did they would not be part of my life

Healthy love should be about mutual respect, safety, trust, honesty and many other things

I feel pity for her - it's a terrible illness.

I will always care for her and wish her happiness

But the more I heal, the more I see her and the relationship for what it really was - and not for I desperately wanted it to be

I'm not in love with her anymore and she has no place in my life

Learning to love and accept yourself is the key

[sirensong65]

I realise I played my part but she did things which desecrated the most intimate parts of my heart.

This so describes how I feel.  He literally destroyed any sweetness that I saw in him and our relationship with his actions, lies and cheating.

I don't love him anymore.  I miss and mourn the person I THOUGHT I had found.  But I realize I fell in love with a mask and that this is what he does.

I was no more special than the woman before me, and the woman before her.  This is all about sacrificing us to be thrown into that empty pit of a soul.

He has no core self, no sense of WHO he is, therefore no self esteem.  We were merely being fed to his insatiable ego to make him temporarily feel good about himself.

I was used, plain and simple. 

So, no, I don't love that person nor do I think I will continue to carry the torch for him.  I deserve better.

[Samsara121]

Yes, I think I will always love my ex-, because I love myself for having opened my heart to her and for having the courage to seek understanding of her behaviors. Today I understand that I cannot have any type of relationship with her but I will always praise her for what she made me aware of. I will always respect her for being so self-aware and authentic with her turmoils.

I was hurt, I was confused and I was challenged but I was also comforted, supported and respected.

We are all wonderful human beings, and this r/s put me to the test. I deserve better. I feel sad for her behaviors, and hope one day she'll initiate a healing process.

I like to remember the belly-laughs, the never-ending conversations, the great connection we had. These are the images and the feelings I want to protect. I make the choice to stay connected to my loving and compassionate self, as high on my values.

I feel love as an evolving process and it's never the same. I will always love all my partners because they helped me grow, in the same time I don't keep them around, I need to feel free of the past.

[Waifed]

Love?  I will always be available to help her if she is in need. In love? I don't think so, of course speaking for myself. Time has put into perspective her actions and her morals and it is after 6 months something that I no longer crave. I loved something in my mind. Reality was not the reality my mind was seeing. There is really nothing to love.

Also, you really can't have love without trust. She will never trust anyone and I certainly would never trust her. Now that my self esteem has stopped carrying the burden of this relationship, I see that there are tons of women who are trustworthy, loyal and mentally stable. It is amazing how many doors open up when confidence returns.

[Learning_curve74]

I think from reading the replies so far the answer to the original question is "it depends."

An ex doesn't have to have BPD to be somebody we still love or alternatively somebody we are mostly indifferent about. Perhaps the truth is it really depends on ourselves who we choose to love or not.

[Reforming]

I think it depends on the people involved and how the relationship ended

Endings are so important and so difficult.

Plenty of relationships don't end well but very few here have had the chance  to have any closure or genuine apology.

I realise that this part of the disorder

But the abruptness, the blame and the accompanying betrayal leave most of us blasted, devastated and bewildered.

This suddenness , the sense that you never got to say goodbye or speak your mind makes it makes it harder to let go especially when most of us have been in denial or fighting a desperate rearguard action in the vain hope that we can return to the blessed realm where it all began.

When we remember  or find ourselves again and accept our mistakes and flaws we begin to realise that real, healthy love is different.

Not perfect or easy but not destructive and harmful to either person

I feel compassion for her and huge sadness at what happened but part of healing myself is recognising that I could not hurt someone I loved in the way she did.

And I cannot really love someone who can hurt me or someone who loved them in that way

These are my boundaries and they feels right and healthy

[Phoenix.Rising]

I know I was in love with her.  I've tried to deny that, but I can't.  However, do I fully understand what it means to love?  I don't think so.  Love can be felt and experienced in many degrees.  I feel there are multiple levels of love that I have not experienced. 

With my ex, I had to love her and myself enough to let her go.  I could see that she was not going to change, and our relationship was getting worse and more painful.  I was in extreme pain.  I realize now she is not capable of having the type of relationship I desire without a lot of work on her part.  I also realize that I am not capable of the type of relationship I want without a lot of work on my part.  We were both sick. 

We tried to love each other.  Her love was a love/hate, pull/push.  I got close only to be pushed away again and again.  I know enough about this illness now to sympathize with her and also to keep my distance.  I am powerless to some extent over her ways if I engage with her, much like an addiction.  I still feel drawn to borderlines.  But I am better, and this takes a lot of work and time.  I'm certain my mother has BPD, so that's where I learned how to play along in this mad dance.  I wish everyone well.

[emotionaholic]

If a best friend did what my ex did they would not be part of my life

Thank you i needed to hear that!

Are we doomed to love them forever.  That is up to you.  I still love my ex and probably will always have a special part in my heart for her, but the above quote says it all.  I love her but not in the way that sustains a long lasting healthy relationship.

[PhoenixRising15]

I consider myself blessed to be able to love her forever.

How can I love someone who did such terrible things?  Who took my very words and turned them against me to hurt me, intentionally, albeit childishly?

Because she is the gift. 

I can never get that across to her, of course.  I won't even bother.

Instead, I was able to finally pull back more layers of my mask and reach closer to my true self.

Is that so much different than any other relationship?

I'm scared I'm going to get bashed, but that's how I really feel right now.

[alliance]

Love her... . no. Haunted by the memories of her is a not so good way... . always.

[AwakenedOne]

My answer is the same as - alliance. I couldn't of said it more perfectly.

Love her... . no. Haunted by the memories of her in a not so good way... . always.

[myself]

Doomed to love. It almost doesn't sound so bad.

I can't say I wish I was immune to that.

But it feels like someone left a light on in the basement.

[dansure]

No, I don't think so. I love and appreciate the good times we spend together. But I don't love her as a person anymore. Except for my family, my love is not unconditional. I can't love someone anymore who treated me like that.

[Reforming]

I think that's the key. Learning to love and accept yourself while working on the issues that drew you into the relationship and kept you there.

It's hard work and real change is frustratingly slow and painful but it helps you to see the relationship for what it really was.

I still battle to reconcile the sweet moments, the seductive intensity and feeling of intimacy with the pain, desolation and harm.

But that's the nature of the illness.


At times I still struggle to accept responsibility for my own behaviour and for my own choices

But eventually no matter how much I rant, twist and turn I'm left looking at myself.

I think that when you really accept the relationship for what it is you begin to realise that what you thought was love was something different.

I never wanted to hate my ex, I still don't…

I feel compassion, empathy and concern for her well being while recognising that any contact with her is destructive and harmful to me.

At the moment I feel acceptance and growing detachment but it's an ongoing process and I know there will be relapses where I get drawn into unhealthy rumination, sadness and anger.

But that's ok. I'm moving in the right direction and if I keep working on my own issues I might eventually be able to have a healthy relationship with another woman 

[ellil]

I haven't posted here in a very long time, but I check in and read once in a while. This particular post caught my attention.

I am out of my r/s with a pwBPD for nearly three years. Until 9 months ago, I was not involved with anyone short of a few dates here and there. I did do a lot of work on myself trying to figure out why I was involved in such a dysfunctional relationship and why I missed it so much. It took quite some time to get to that answer, then a bit more to heal the wounds in myself.

I am now nine months in a very easy, loving, non-dramatic, non-chaotic relationship with someone very compatible--we both are backpackers (which is tough to find in your 50's) and we enjoy many of the same things and see much of the world in similar ways.

No, I do not love the exBPDbf. You read a lot about it being an illness and that they have much to deal with. Truth of the matter is, he knew he was ill; he was seeing a psychiatrist, but his choice was to not do the work to handle the illness. I was wounded, knew I wasn't right, and made the choice rather late to handle it.

When I think of the expwBPD, it's not with love, it's not with pity, it's not with fondness. It's rather odd, but I think of him with no emotion at all, like I never knew the person, and in a way I did not. When I think of my ex-husband of 28 years (not BPD, just a regular ex-husband), it is with love (even though we're divorced), respect, and a recognition that he did the best he could.

When I think of the expwBPD, I feel like I'm looking back at a time when I was ill. But I can unequivocally say no, it's not a sure thing you are condemned to loving the person the rest of your life. It only feels that way now.

Ellil

[Want2know]

When I think of the expwBPD, it's not with love, it's not with pity, it's not with fondness. It's rather odd, but I think of him with no emotion at all, like I never knew the person, and in a way I did not. When I think of my ex-husband of 28 years (not BPD, just a regular ex-husband), it is with love (even though we're divorced), respect, and a recognition that he did the best he could.

When I think of the expwBPD, I feel like I'm looking back at a time when I was ill. But I can unequivocally say no, it's not a sure thing you are condemned to loving the person the rest of your life. It only feels that way now.

Very well said - I feel pretty much the same way.  No emotion for my ex-npd, and it's hard to believe I felt so much love for him.  Same with my ex-husband (not BPD/npd) - there is fondness that I still have for him even though we did not work out.  A very different feeling that is hard to put a finger on.

Thanks for stopping by to comment, Elill  

[HostNoMore]

I'm very much in the same boat as ellil and in total agreement with her posting. I'm 2.5 years out and in a vastly better place myself.  In fact, last night I was on the phone with my brother speaking of the benefits that I've reaped from my painful experience.  For those of you in the various stages of recovery, as hopeless as it may seem, you can turn this around into a net positive for yourself.

Your BPDex has a very low probability of ever becoming healthy.  You have the ability to become healthy if you step outside of yourself, your past and into your future.  BPD really is a tragic disorder, but we cannot allow ourselves to become trapped in the quicksand of loving someone forever who is fundamentally incapable of truly loving.  In my experience, once I realized that my ex most probably is a borderline, a switch flipped within me.  I actually lost my hatred for her almost instantly once that happened.  Now, I merely view her as a toxic woman who just simply used me, but in that process she planted a seed that led me to a completely new world view.  Mine once told me that she was preparing me for my next girlfriend, and she was dead on right about that.

Is it easy? No, these types of relationships rip into you in a way that cannot really be described.  Your emotions will run wild.  It takes a good circle of friends and/or family to provide a base of support. You may need to engage the services of a professional therapist too as this really is an intense thing for one to handle.  Also, this board and community around it are here for you 24/7/365 so spend as many hours as you can spare reading the material from the professionals as well as our stories.  The process of recovery will take time and serious effort on your part, but the end result will lead to a healthier you.  Nothing worth having is ever easy.

No, you are NOT doomed to love your BPDex forever.  Having knowledge of BPD, having knowledge of your role, and having the will to move on from that sickly asymmetric relationship that brought all of us here will heal you.

[Clearmind]

3 years out and realize my idea of what love was , was completely screwed up.

Love is not toxic

Love is not about control

It simply was not love - so no it's not doomed - it was never there

[Reforming]

Thanks guys. Great to here the thoughts of those who have come out the other side 

[pinkparchment]

I think it depends on the people involved and how the relationship ended

Endings are so important and so difficult.

Plenty of relationships don't end well but very few here have had the chance  to have any closure or genuine apology.

But the abruptness, the blame and the accompanying betrayal leave most of us blasted, devastated and bewildered.

This suddenness , the sense that you never got to say goodbye or speak your mind makes it makes it harder to let go especially when most of us have been in denial or fighting a desperate rearguard action in the vain hope that we can return to the blessed realm where it all began.

When we remember  or find ourselves again and accept our mistakes and flaws we begin to realise that real, healthy love is different.

Not perfect or easy but not destructive and harmful to either person

I feel compassion for her and huge sadness at what happened but part of healing myself is recognising that I could not hurt someone I loved in the way she did.

Thank you, Reforming.

I'm fairly fresh out of the relationship (6 weeks NC). As I read about the nightmarish things others here have been through, I realize I was blessed(?) to love someone who was so self-aware and actively engaging in therapy/bettering herself and yes, Samsara, who was compassionate.

The relationship didn't destroy me, the ending did. The flip of the switch when she decided she was finished with me. The lack of closure. Wondering where the love I had inside me was supposed to go when she wouldn't accept it.The betrayal of my ultimate trust and vulnerability. The way I put myself out there for her in a way I would never have done for anyone else. Realizing how easily I was replaced in her life when she was irreplaceable to me.

Yes, I do feel like I will love her forever. Sometimes I feel doomed, and sometimes I try to think of it as a blessing. I experienced a truly selfless, all consuming love in my life, even if it wasn't requited.

[momtara]

A good question and a tough thing to think about.  Don't many of our ex loves stay in our hearts?  I doubt it could be different for BPD's, even sometimes with the cruelty... . but  I tend to also cling to memories and feelings longer than I should.  Maybe many of us are like this here.

[Conundrum]

I still have "a love" for my ex. We lived together for close to 7-years and she was a helpmate when my kids were very small. There was a uniqueness to our disparate fusing, that was endearing and functional.

When I met my pwBPD she was a very young, extremely troubled woman--who through sheer will came to evidence extraordinary determination by censoring (for many years) her maladaptive coping tools. She volitionally substituted those negatives with positive structures, which blossomed within a healthy environment.   

The bane of this disorder is that incendiary relational relapses do occur, often negating the possibility of repairing the damage in a traditional sense. Perhaps though, by falling, we learn that love and compassion can shine through cracked panes--by accepting that we may love all sorts of people. Not just the perfect ones. Not just the ones who rationally reciprocate. Not just the ones who are free from damage.

Yes, I still have "a love" for her--despite how far she has fallen. Matters of the heart can travel incongruent divergent roads, and while a relationship may be finite, that does not negate transcendent moments in time--within this life.   

[woodsposse]

Great replies.

mine is quite simple.  No, not doomed to love them forever.

i can't love anyone who treated me in the manner treated. Disorder or not.

I loved who I thought she was . .the person she portrayed. But since that person didnt exist... . then who am I holding on to?

[Reforming]

Hi Pinkparchment

I think it can be very hard to let go for all the reasons which make these relationships so compelling and intense

Perhaps even harder when you never go through the devaluation.

Speaking from my own experience selflessness can be a seductive drug and an escape from taking responsibility.

It sounds like you're doing the right things. Well done

Perhaps  now it's time to be selfish and look after yourself.

[Popcorn71]

For me, the love has now turned to hate.  I think it will stay that way.  the reality of how badly he treated me has finally sunk in.

[Kallor74]

Damn that is a great question.

I don't think we are doomed to "love" them forever as nothing in this life is forever.  We are all subject to the impermenance of life which includes our own feelings and emotions.

As for my own experience, i don't think i ever loved my exBPDgf.  I would always tell her after our numerous breakups and recycles that no one has affected me so deeply.  I think she thought i was saying how much i love her but i wasn't.  What she was in my mind was a younger version of my mother.  Cold and emotionless.  Selfish and callous.  She opened my eyes to alot of FOO issues i refused to look at for many years.  What i am is grateful she smashed my comfortable illusions. Like a wrecking ball to a glass house.