Intimacy with a BPD partner...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Posting with a courageous member here made me want to pose some questions... .

Not sure if anyone thinks this is 'too personal'... . but, what about intimacy with your BPD partner?

Without anyone getting graphic... . can we take a little POLL of sorts or share about whether BPD has:

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average?

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?)

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that?

*Has anyone strayed or think they will?

I've shared in other posts that my BPDh was addicted to sex/porn... . so while we are still frequently intimate and he is about a year out from stopping his addiction, it's still in the back of my mind. He gets triggered when there is no intimacy for even a day (he gets whiny, and asks why I don't love him anymore... . )

He hasn't cheated (other than "virtually" and he has had to get a clue that raging stops us from being intimate (duh).

I know I won't cheat, but I do wonder about whether he ever would because of his past porn addiction.

"Normal" relationships must have intimacy... . but what about our NOT normal relationships? Is this aspect different, and why?

[MyGreatEscape]

Posting with a courageous member here made me want to pose some questions... .

Not sure if anyone thinks this is 'too personal'... . but, what about intimacy with your BPD partner?

Without anyone getting graphic... . can we take a little POLL of sorts or share about whether BPD has:

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average?

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?)

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that?

*Has anyone strayed or think they will?

I've shared in other posts that my BPDh was addicted to sex/porn... . so while we are still frequently intimate and he is about a year out from stopping his addiction, it's still in the back of my mind. He gets triggered when there is no intimacy for even a day (he gets whiny, and asks why I don't love him anymore... . )

He hasn't cheated (other than "virtually" and he has had to get a clue that raging stops us from being intimate (duh).

I know I won't cheat, but I do wonder about whether he ever would because of his past porn addiction.

"Normal" relationships must have intimacy... . but what about our NOT normal relationships? Is this aspect different, and why?

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[niko]

Hi Escape,

Great subject. I am not afraid to talk about intimacy. Just so happens this has become a huge issue in my home today. I have been married to BPD wife for almost 25 years. Intimacy for the first 2 years was once or twice a day after that it was pretty much down hill. Now it has been 5 months since and approx 3 month intervals before that.  Just today I finally made it perfectly clear that no intimacy in our marriage is a deal breaker (and I was serious) I explained without intimacy the marriage is doomed (every 3months is way too long as well)

I read somewhere on this Site and relayed to my wife that "intimacy is God's little gift to help heal and protect a marriage". This is SO true. Of course I got the usual responses and painful excuses - oh and a lot of anger. Then she would switch and say OK let's go right now - this response annoyed me because it is  a "shut me up session" which I refused.

Intimacy is very important to me. Frequency of at once a week or more would be nice. With all of the damage that comes with BPD, intimacy makes it tolerable. The time should be convenient for both of us - the "shut me up" is a no no and will come with a price to pay, a quickie is different.

The best part of a good session is that she is almost always  happy after but she can't remember that before. So the challenge has grown. Right now we are at a stand still but she will come around - well I hope.  I think I let it go way too long this time

I don't know about infidelity she says no and I have never but  she is such a good liar, its hard to tell. She also knows that infidelity is a deal breaker with no excuses. (a rule of ours from day 1)

As far as "normal times" or not seems to vary. Usually planned, which doesn't always work out but if she is angry forget it which is why it has been so long.

Straying  has crossed my mind more so lately but I don't think I would go thru with it.

So, in summery it has definitely interfered but I will not tolerate a sex less marriage without good reason. It's needed and I better fix mine.

If anyone has some advice for me, I could really use some help on this one.

[montanesa]

Eh, I'll bite. I feel like my relationship isn't normal and I'm interested to see what others here have to say.


*Interfered with being intimate with your partner? I would say it has. The nasty comments mean I want to be around him less. I have no idea is BPD has to do with this, but uBPDh is not a physical person at all; no hand-holding, hugs, or kisses. I am the complete opposite. I find this hard. He only expresses physical closeness through intimacy.

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average? What's average?

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?) Much more. Goodness gracious.

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy? You know, I'm still not completely sure. He definitely emotionally cheated last year. Heck, he was telling a coworker he loved her! He was on prednisone and was a complete monster. Poor girl had to see one of his blowups. But yes, this pain and suspicion, coupled with the prednisone monster, dramatically affected intimacy. I'm still getting over it.           This is the first place I've admitted this. :'(

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that? It isn't, but we've definitely settled into a routine.

*Has anyone strayed or think they will? My mind has wandered, but I don't think I'll stray. That's a lot of time and effort for something that isn't so rewarding. To me, it doesn't make sense. If I want to stay with uBPDh, why would I get involved with someone else?

[byfaith]

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

yes it has. We have been together total for 3 years and married 2 1/2 years. Intimacy was more than I ever dreamed of for 2 years. Something happened in her mind last year towards me. To make a long story short she asked me if I had ever pictured my self being intimate with another woman during my previous marriage. (this question had to do with someone 8 years ago). I was stupid enough to say yes. From that point on she has viewed me different. She thinks I will think of someone else while being intimate with her. I guess that's where she idealized me then devalued me.   

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average? The most we do is hold hands or a peck on the mouth. I am allowed to give her shoulder rubs and run my fingers through her hair. ( before the trigger we were together almost everyday)

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?) If I discuss the lack of intimacy she tells me that she has a problem with men in general. She tells me I just have to deal with it. She does tell me its a problem in her mind but she doesnt seem to care to get any help. 

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

she cheated emotionally... . long story and complicated. I forgave her and she is back.

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that? Yes gone. I ask God to help me deal with the rejection. I know I am not looking elsewhere. She has even told me she would rather me have an affair as to look at porn. I would do neither. It made me sick to my stomach when she told me that. I know she didnt mean it but still it upset me.

*Has anyone strayed or think they will? I have not, no I won't

[byfaith]

Just to add something. I know my wife was treated like an object growing up by her father and brothers. Knowing that things in her life developed her thinking the way they have does not make it easier to be rejected as far as intimacy but it makes it more understandable (to a degree) why she may think and feel the way she does. I don't know if it will ever change.

[FigureIt]

When I think of intimacy I qualify it as more than just sex.  I think there is a point when you share your lives completely that it becomes intimate.  When you share in your joys of parenting together, etc.  So, when it comes to intimacy I don't believe that we have gotten even close.  My father once explained to me that his love for my mother was all that was important.  Yes, he loves his daughters, but loving my mother and her being happy is what made him happy.

In regards to the questions... .

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?  Yes, being close is truely changed.  It is hard to want to be with someone when they imply you are fat, stupid, unloving, etc.

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average? I think most of the time it is good, although during rages, I have been told I am "boring" now.  I am not the same.  He wants to be chased!

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?) I don't know if they are a trigger, other then I am "boring".  I have gotten tired of asking him to "snuggle" and told no.  Yet to him I'm the one refusing.

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?  He hasn't cheated physically, but has emotionally by texting other women.  I think that has caused me to be more guarded.  Sometimes, I may engage but not be truly connected.

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that? I don't think true intimacy has every existed.  I think when we spent the "weekend day" in bed, we were not living together, didn't see each other everyday, didn't live our daily lives together.  It was the honeymoon period, the early stages, not "real life"

*Has anyone strayed or think they will? I have my current bf and an ex-husband I don't want anymore men in my life.  I think he is looking.  I think he wants me to end it so he can say "see I told you so... . " etc.

[reluctanthusband]

Intimacy is probably one of the hardest and most painfull parts of my marriage. Here is my part:

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?  Absolutely, but because what man can't finish or doesn't want it from their wife.  It cuts to the core of my manhood.  But her problems(more below) have caused them and I have to fight sometimes to finish or get/keep it up.

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average? I would say yes there is.  I have a 5-5 job and don’t get home till 6'ish.  She is stay at home/homeschooler.  There is a good bit of grace given on both parts in this respect as we have 3 children.  This is during normal times.  I ave a hard time going more than a week without loosing my mind except for that one week a month(Not Normal)where Sh!t gets real almost every month.

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?) More WAY more see above and below.

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy? Yes she did it is what finally brought me to finding out she was a pwBPD.  She dropped the bombshell on me at 9.5 years.  It happened at just before the 2 year mark when I was stationed overseas without her and our first child.  She WONT recall but it was for a week or so every day.  But the worst part is she was "Blessed with forgetfulness" what a copout!  I didn’t want to touch her for 2 days, she begged me not to leave and in my confusion I had the best sex I had ever had at the two day mark.  After that I was all messed up and confused.  I had to stop mid way soo many times because I pictured her with him.  I still have a hard time 2+ years later when those Images pop into my head.  I just focus and finish as fast as possible. 

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that? No and Yes.  I don’t think what we have is intimate.  It is sexual, it feels good but I don’t feel there is any intimacy.  I am dutifully filling our physical needs.  I don't know how long this can last.  In all honesty I am going to stay if there is some change, but if not I have to wait till the children are much older before I break away.

*Has anyone strayed or think they will? Unless you count pornography, no.  For me it is a release that I don’t feel so guilty about.  I am a Christian man and although I know its bad and it harms my relationship to God.  I do it out of desperation to release when the heat is on at home.  I am utterly scared of it(Cheating) though because there is not a week that goes by if I don’t think about being with another woman.  Or my wife without all the BPD.  She is beautiful and would be a rockstar if she wasn't BPD.  She actually rationalized keeping the infidelity away from me because she thought "I must be having an affair while over seas"  "Why else would he treat me this way" From the BPD perspective.  IN REALITY I was the most loving caring and chaste man any woman could want.

[hergestridge]

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

The lack or reciprocity. Sex as an ego-trip. The lack of interplay otherwise associated with grown up sex - being kind of heavy handed and irresponosive in bed. It's like a masturbation session and you're invited - not because you add something but because it becomes less embarrasing when you can call it sex.

The only thing that changes this is alcohol, and I'm not comfortable with that kind of thing.

And I think most of us with a BPD partner has been through the gruelly disappointing nights when our partners have more or less set up for sex and then just went to bed instead with no further explanation. This is so devastatingly hurtful and frustrating. I have read and heard the exact same story from so many people with BPD partners. It's like some cruel joke.

I've been sitting alone with wine and lit candles so many times.

Yes, BPD has interfered with being intimate with my partner. I think it actually keeps her from being intimate in any sense of the word.

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average?

I'm not sure what's meant by this question.

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?)

I think it worries my wife when it was too long ago because she thinks of it as a risk in the relationship. Usually she brings this up as another in the row of unsolvable problems; "We hadn't had sex in three weeks!". And I'm thinking "Man, HOW to solve that?".

A therapist talked her into scheduled sex (with me, that is!) for a while, which worked OK. Regular sex made her more stable and happier. Stable habits in general does. But my wife has a thing for events and planning with which she ___s things  up regularly. So two months before our daughter's birthday party she couldn't think of anything else, so sex was like a quickie or nothing at all. And afterwards it was "Comedown time" with depression and all that. So now it's all back on square one.

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

Yes. I don't love her as much any more. I think she suffers more than I do, but there's not much I can do. She expects things to become just like they were before, but they're not. If we didn't have children I don't know If I would have stayed. I have explained this elsewhere.

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that?

The sex isn't gone. But it's not easy let me tell you that. She goes through really sexual periods when she wants to watch porn with me and hear all about my fanatasies. Then she goes through really long periods when she is not attracted to me at all.

*Has anyone strayed or think they will?

The only thing I think about right now in my life is the welfare of my daughter and me. That's top proiority. I will leave my wife if necessary. Maybe I will meet a new woman after that but that is not top priority. I am not going to do huge sacrifices this time.

[MyGreatEscape]

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied so far! I know this is a sensitive topic, but I am intensely interested in how everyone makes this part of their relationship work. Obviously, we all know that having an (emotionally AND physically) intimate relationship is kind of the center point in most relationships, so I really hoped to learn more about how others deal with this issue and BPD together.

I am saddened to hear that most are cut off emotionally, physically, and even spiritually with their partners. This BPD crap is hard enough... . then adding in that our connections are guarded, twisted or cut altogether is so disheartening.

Some seem to have hope, or will not stray from their beliefs and what's right, no matter what, and that is so awesome.

I'm noticing that the one thing I do differently, which has helped my BPDh and I move forward despite so much hurt, is that I am an open book about my feelings. I can be calm (and Spock-like) about these feelings (and do cry or lose it occasionally too), but I don't stop telling him how his actions/words hurt, and explain that words DO hurt, and his past actions still do. Our T is helping me (and him) with this as well. If I followed the whole JADE thing, which is useful in some situations, my BPDh would not have had some of the breakthroughs he's had and we would have lost all intimacy, and that would be my last straw for sure.

[letmeout]

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

Yes, who in their right mind would feel romantic towards someone who just raged at you?

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average?

The older my BPDex got, I became just a receptacle for his masturbation. The lights were on in his eyes, but no one was home.

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?)

When we were young he wanted it all the time, especially after he had been raging about something.  

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

Mine cheated more than most married men probably, but I can bet the bank he only did it to get off, never for emotional reasons.

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that?

I left him when I realized that he wasn't capable of love, he could only pretend.

*Has anyone strayed or think they will?

I never strayed but I thought about it more than once.

[Samuel S.]

In terms of my BPDw, she was physically and emotionally abused when she was younger. Compounding this horrible tragedy of events by her mother, my BPDw lost her oldest daughter who was only 7 1/2 about 15 years ago. So, I frankly believe that she is unconciously not wanting to be intimate due to her past abuse and due to losing her oldest daughter. She would never admit that, but she has done everything under the sun to keep her distance in terms of intimacy with me for the past 6 years.

As for how I deal with this lack of intimacy, I have never strayed or wish to. Nevertheless, I focus on being positive, helping and validating her, but even more so with others. Also, due to her extreme BPD behavior, it is difficult for me to even want to be intimate with her.

I frankly doubt I will ever be intimate with her again, because like a song said, "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much." She cannot handle being really close not only physically, but also emotionally. That is why I reach out professionally to others.

[Haye]

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

Yes, many times. In many ways. Has also ptsd so it is also linked to that ie intimacy was very very difficult in the beginning. It has gotten better and easier with time.

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average?

I don't what to consider normal times :/. It's a roller-coaster, and though i'd love to think the uphill is "the normal" i'm pretty sure it's just the uphill. Normal is probably something between the ups and the downs... .



*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?)

I suffer from the lack of intimacy, not him. There has been these cuts, him withholding intimicy, or being simply incapable of being closer than a swift (and rigid) hug. So it's not always delibarate withholding, but all those issues he has. Lack of intimacy doesn't trigger him at all, sometimes it is what he prefers.

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

I suppose this is where our relationship differs from others hugely. We started with a very open and loose arrangement, working togehter on a brief project. I liked being with him and working, developing a deep mental connection at the side. The physcial levels developed slowly, and akwardly later. (He didn't even condsidere being in a relationship with me up until the time I ended our relationship). So he never cheated in the technical sense, as it was okey for him to date others and do whatever he wanted with them. I know this sounds very weird and probably sick even, but that is how it happenend. He appeared to be a true freebird, someone who hates rules and hates to be confined. I think it was one reason why we delevoped a deeper relationship, because it taught him honesty and trust, too. I'm not sayin him coming and going and falling in love with other girls was easy for me, quite the opposite, but at least i knew of each and every girl he met or even had contact with. I think none of the other girls knew about the others; some knew of me but only as some sort of friend or something.

Knowing about what was going in on is how i started to see a pattern and understanding that there is something wrong with him. Not him being a selfish and insensitive ass (like he understood himsel)f, but someone who has been hurt badly and as a result behaves in very weird and hurtful ways.



*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that?

Now? Nope, back on the rollercoaster, going uphill. Ask me next month... .



*Has anyone strayed or think they will?

See the above. I'd like to think he wont be repeating the same patterns, ie finding a new girl or a woman somewhere and doing the idealization and rejection/devaluing and then crawling back to me... . He's trying hard not to repeat it, but i think that will take years.

[thicker skin]

Intimacy is different things to different people I think. For me, intimacy leads to sex, sex is not intimacy.

We had frequent and wonderful sex for 18 yrs. it came to a crashing stop when my partner started diagnosing me and accusing me of mind blowing infidelities. My 'down there' couldn't function without love and trust. It felt wrong and alien for me to allow myself to be intimately touched by someone who spoke of and to me in such a degrading manner. He took it as me abusing him by withholding his basic needs. The more I explained, the more angry he became and the worse it got.

His need to be right about how deviant and disgusting I was, cancelled out my ability to be emotionally and sexually available to him.

[FigureIt]

Here's an ifidelity for you... .   When I am brain overloaded/stressed I make noises in my sleep which sound like moaning & groans.  So therefore, I am having "sex dreams" with people!  Even though when awoken from one I was "teaching" my students in my dream.  Also, because I left a 10yr old lace bra laying around and the dog got it... . it means I am going to go cheat.  Because I have "tendencies", not as though I'm the one who goes and drinks and gets phone #s from others etc.

[lemon flower]

there's some saying that "you eventually get what you were asking for", and I can testify on that one... .

my previous r/ships (plural) were sexually not very fulfilling to me, my lovers weren't very passionate and they couldn't fulfill my needs (from my part it took me years to discover my own sexuality so I didn't really communicate on it eather) but anyway, the sex was usually boring and at times I almost exploded out of frustration, so in my single period I could only think about meeting a passionate, strong, experienced lover 

and yes, there he came, out of the blue, my knight on his firy horse, with all the charms and looks to seduce me in no time, and at first I was completely blown away by so much masculinity and sexual power... he's ten years younger then me but sexually far more experienced than me (i thought) 

ofcourse the BPD revealed itself and after a very short time I discovered the emptiness underneath the strenghth: te be very specific: the lack on intimacy (eg, he doesn't like to kiss me intimately, he prefers to watch my body and not my face, ... . )

also he's quite selfish and dominating, and he can't take no for an answer without getting angry or behaving like a child that wants his candy, NOW!

he did his best on getting me to my climax, but at times I really felt he did it because he couldn't be a failure, at times he would meanwhile watch the TV, my casanova 

still I miss him, not specifically for the sex, but to have him next to me, touching and hugging eachother, his smell, his skin, the perfect moments when we were just melted together and everything felt so peacefull and "right"

those moments were pure intimacy and happiness, and I'm sure that for a short moment he felt the same, but apparently he couldn't find that same unity and intimacy in the sexual intercourse, for some reason they can't unite intimacy and sex I think

[charred]

Read a fantastic book... and they point out something I never noticed... relevant to the topic.

Stress.

"Wired for Joy"... is all about how to de-stress and get happier. The premise is that we act different ways depending on our stress levels... . lot of good stuff, but specifically the way we relate to people is relevant.

Minimal to no stress, in the moment and happy is what they describe as "Joy"... and it is the only level of stress where we are able to truly be "initimate"... feel fully connected with people.

There are other stress levels... a bit stressed is called "balanced"... more stressed "mixed"... really stressed "unbalanced" and over the top stressed "overwhelmed".  Well, guess what, the descriptions of behavior at the unbalanced and overwhelmed levels... matches BPD all the way.

Stuck in rut.

You will not admit to being wrong,

Stick to impossible ideas like very life depends on it.

Obessess about "what ifs".

Ego is completely in charge.

You can be hostile, depressed, powerless, and chronically anxious or panicked.

Fantasy can rule,

Out of touch with feelings. Can be manic... . with a hint of panic.

You are either clingy(irritating) or distance yourself from others.

You use or lose people.

Every act is completely ego driven.

Engage in Black and white thinking.

No will power,

Mindless snacking, nail biting, and other subconscious attempts at self-soothing.

Too anxious to listen to people... cut them off and start giving high handed/demeaning advice.

Anyway,... I don't think it is possible for a BPD person to truly be intimate... as they are stressed by any close r/s and that puts them in the wrong frame of mind to be truly intimate... however they can sure act in ego driven ways, engage in black/white thinking and use/lose people.

Book is well worth the read. (Its by Laurel Mellin... got mine for $1 plus shipping)

[thicker skin]

FigureIt 

I too moaned in my sleep and suffered as a result 

I was woken at 3am for sex and me in my slumber did not want to oblige. I was raged at for him having to 'endure me orgasming' in my sleep, then refusing to meet his needs. I checked 'down there', just to be sure and let's say, Gandhis sandal comes to mind.

Obviously, I was in denial and couldn't 'admit it'. Clearly, I wasn't in charge of my own mind and being abusive. I'm trying to learn how to sleep properly. I've been practising all my life and thought I had it licked... .

[Zon]

Without anyone getting graphic... . can we take a little POLL of sorts or share about whether BPD has:

*Interfered with being intimate with your partner?

  Yes, it has.  From hugs and kisses to sex, they all have been affected.  Long ago, all of those were accepted by her often.  Over the years, all have decreased a lot.  I could not initiate almost anything (i.e., hug and kiss her while she is doing something) without her giving me guilt.  Sex was purely at her whim.  These days, I no longer try for nor accept any of those as I burned out on having almost only arguments and no affection.  There are nicer times, but I can always feel a argument ready to attack.

*Is there intimacy during the "normal" times and if so, is the frequency still average?

  Frequency before marriage was often, but I honestly do not recall how often it was.  Gradually, it became infrequent to the point that we went two and a half years between times of sex.  Intimate kissing was not enjoyed by her.  Note that there was a son born within that time and other chaos unrelated to BPD.  However, the intimacy went back to what it was before.

*Does a lack of intimacy trigger them more, or less? (or vice versa... . sex addictions... . ?)

  I noticed no change in trigger frequency.

*Have they cheated and how did that affect intimacy?

  None to my knowledge.  I think she has very little interest in intimacy.  She may have put up with it at one time before her grudges killed it.

*Is the intimacy completely gone, and if so, for how long and how do you cope with that?

  Pretty much gone.  These days it is from me as well as her.  I really got fed up with the continuous guilt she likes to instill in me and arguments over the smallest things.

*Has anyone strayed or think they will?

  I am not looking to stray.  I do dream of a normal relationship where we can talk about minor or major things as adults.  Intimacy would be included.

[byfaith]

I have responded to all the questions in an earlier post. I wonder how long it will be before I ever get to kiss my wife passionately and know she feels the same way. I wonder if she will ever desire me again. That is a sad feeling, for me, to deal with everyday.

It is hard to accept. I wish I could erase the memory of how it felt to be close to her. That sounds horrible but when I think of how it used to be I have to deal with that feeling of being rejected in that way and really never being able to tell her how I feel. It always makes her feel bad when I talk about it because she said it is a mental thing that she has no control over. I'm not going to argue with her.

I just needed to write my feelings down. I have to look at the things we share that are important and hope that one day she will want to put her arms around me and just want to look at me and feel about me the way she used to.

anyway enough of that.

[Hope26]

I would also say 'yes', the BPD has interfered with intimacy, at least during the 'episodes' of dysregulation.  As others here have said, who wants intimacy with someone who is raging at you?  I get the feeling from reading your posts that there is a great deal of variance between pwBPD in terms of how frequently they dysregulate.  I think some of you are in much more difficult situations than I am.  Thanks to this site, I am also gaining a lot of understanding about how the illness impacts every aspect of their personality.  I don't know exactly how to say this, but it seems to me that intimacy is easier with somebody who knows how to be patient and gentle, and BPD seems to make people intense, forceful and impatient, even when they're not raging.  So for me that is a factor that probably decreases frequency as well.  I have not strayed and have no intention of doing so, and I'm sure he hasn't either.  We do love each other and that would be a deal-breaker for us both.

[MyGreatEscape]

Thank you to everyone for sharing that piece of your relationship on here... . seems like a lot of members deal with far more than their fair share of disappointments... . as if BPD isn't enough to deal with already. Good gravy. I hope there is improvement on the horizon... . keep trying, everyone. We know what the alternative is... .